Death Should Inspire You To Live (Thoughts on Amy Winehouse)

(Written Saturday, July 23, 2011 as a note on Facebook)


The death of another is a call for you to LIVE, folks. Too many of us take life for granted and assume we will be here tomorrow, next week, or next year. We need to wake up from that illusion. All we really have is this moment and the next if we're lucky. So are you going to spend your precious moments criticizing or mocking a fellow human for being human and struggling just like the rest of us? Don't be dumb. Let Amy Winehouse's death deepen your compassion for those who struggle with addiction and allow it to fortify your will to carry on with your own life and inspire you to face your own darkness.

We ALL hurt and we all seek relief from that hurt in the best way we know how. Who are we to judge another's path? Whether you get your 'fix' through sugar, tv, over-eating, porn, meaningless sex, shopping or drugs, makes you no different than Amy. How dare any of us scoff at her. Who here has got is all figured out? Who here is free from inner pain and all the ways that manifests in our lives? Exactly.

It is far too easy to point fingers and laugh at others from the comfort of our own couch. The internet creates the us versus them mentality and creates a separation between us and the famous. News flash, folks: they are human. They have family and they have friends just like the rest of us. And they have to put up with the tabloids and strangers watching and criticizing their every move. What kind of world are we creating?

If your friend, your sibling, your parent or child died, those around you would sympathize. They would feel your pain. They wouldn't dare make a joke. Someone just died for fuck's sake. DIED! There is no reversing that. The only sane response is sympathy for the deceased loved ones and appreciation for life itself.

Yet when it comes to someone famous with a known struggle with addiction, people have the nerve to waste what remains of their own life by being insensitive to the deceased because of bullshit they read in gossip columns. Why do we support this insanity. As if we all don't know or love someone who is caught in the cycle of addiction. Where is our heart? Where is our connection to the human race? And why do we think we can shun others while remaining in tact ourselves?

We cannot. We are all connected. We all have Hitler and Mother Theresa within us. None of us is perfect. We all have an equal capacity for evil and goodness, darkness and light. So stop being mean to those whose darkness merely reflects your own. If you think you are so much better than Amy, think again. If you were so good and pure yourself, you would not need to criticize her or anyone else for that matter. You would see things clearly and have compassion for all beings. You would extend love, not hate, and you would know that life is a mirror and everything you see outside of you is a perfect reflection of yourself.

This rant is for society at large, not specific individuals. It's a call to wake the fuck up before you take your last breath. It is a call to spend your life on what really matters and let me tell you that monitoring how another chooses to live is a fucking waste of your energy and your purpose in life.

Ideally, everyone should treasure life and their loved ones even more whenever they hear of the death of another; especially that of someone so young. It should make you appreciate the fact that you are still here. They are not.

For those who might wonder why people post RIP Amy Winehouse (or any other celebrity who has passed) and mourn someone they don't even know, I think it isn't just because they are fans but because music (or any art form) heals all of us.

Music is the reason some people are able to carry on in life, so it is very possible that to some, musicians are like a best friend, even a saving grace. People have a right to mourn what once touched their hearts or lives or helped get them though the dark times. I wasn't even a huge fan of Amy's music but I have great compassion for anyone who struggles with addiction. Life is not easy for any of us, really.

Death is a call for people to live but most people don't wake up to that wisdom. That is a shame.

Peace to all of us. Those who have passed, who live, and have yet to arrive.

With love,

Mandy

Dream A Little Dream

As my GODS & DIVAS already know, I see our nighttime dreams as powerful tools for self-reflection, insight and healing. In my classes we learn how to interpret our dreams so that we can better understand our lives and ourselves, and the results are incredible. Because dreams are universal (we all dream even if we cannot recall the dream) and always reflect aspects of ourselves, the interpretations have deep meanings and often strike a chord with us. You can watch my best friend Melanie and I discuss Dream Interpretation on YouTube.

In the past two weeks I have had some lovely dreams, with two that really stuck out; one of which I acted on, the other I have not.

The first one (a short while ago) I dreamed of a man I have known for a while but never thought of romantically. The dream was sweet and involved us snuggling (while fully clothed) and him brushing my hair. It was a good feeling dream and I woke up feeling especially loved and happy and texted him right away to tell him about our nighttime non-sexual rendezvous. His response apart from "Aww" was "So when can we snuggle in real life?" I was hardly expecting that, given who he has been in my life, but the conversation unfolded and a few days later I was enjoying a delicious night of dancing with said man that basically trumped my previous experiences with other beaus. It was intense, unexpected, and incredibly passionate (just how I like it), and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment we were together. Who knew that a dream would lead to something so beautiful in real life? In the end it didn't amount to anything beyond that one night of pleasure but it certainly marked a chapter that no longer included the 2 gents I have been writing about for too damn long:)

Speaking of that, I'm about to write some more about the man I have referred to as The Man Who Affects Me Like No Other. I thought for sure he'd never pop up in my writings after one of my previous posts Chapter Complete, but here I am once more.

This morning I woke up from an incredible dream of he and I. It was healing and beautiful and made me feel a sense of peace in the end. The last thing spoken before I awoke was,

"Do you want to give it another whirl?"
"Yes of course."

I am not certain who said which sentence but there was finally closure because we had shared openly in the dream. I got to say what I needed to say and he responded to me in the exact way I had been craving all along. It was pure heaven. I finally felt like we had worked things out and not only that, but we were ready to begin again. We were both finally in a space that welcomed the other fully and completely and I had no doubts that everything would be great between us.

I woke up feeling like true healing actually took place; not just inside me but inside him as well. Sometimes I think that certain people who show up in our dreams are actually visiting us. Well, I mean an aspect of their being is present during the dream exchange. It all felt very real, just like the 3 times when my mother has visited me in dreams to heal old stuff between us.

When I woke up I was tempted to reach out to him, eager to share this beautiful experience, but wisdom told me not to, as did my daughter.

Just because healing took place on this particular level doesn't mean it would translate into the physical, and I knew that reconnecting with him in the real world would inevitably lead to disappointment because it always does. That being said, I was tempted. I felt connected and I wanted that feeling to last. I wanted to act on it because last time we corresponded we were due for a chat and a visit and I had yet to follow up with either thing, mainly because my inner self knows it will only lead me to ruin.

But being the wise old soul that she is, Paige gave me a good talking to. Yes, she knows about him because my relationship with him led to many tears during that time in my life which led her to believe he was no good for me. She said so right from the start but I didn't listen. I agreed, but I did not stay away. It was an addictive cycle between he and I that felt impossible to break. We both tried and failed countless times, and even the fact that we were willing to see each other recently, yet again and despite everything, is proof that the door has yet to be shut by either of us.

Maybe this is about to change, however. When I was getting ready to message him today, Paige intervened and said if I do this, knowing full well it will only lead to more pain, then she will lose respect for me. She told me I need to resist the temptation and be strong for myself because it is weak to give in and allow myself to be hurt once more. And that if what I genuinely want is 'the one' then what the hell am I doing engaging with this guy. She said it doesn't matter that we both still care for one another because together we are fucked and nothing can ever change enough to make us work out. No matter what we say or do, it won't lead to us being together because we are not good together, and friendship isn't an option because of our intense history. He marked me, and that can't be erased. But I can stay away and attempt to move on. She said that a message to him only starts up a new cycle that ends in pain and frustration and if I do this she will not pity me for the sadness that is to come.

Yes, my 16 year old said all of this. And yes, I listened despite the intense pull to start things up again. All it takes is one message and then it's on, but it only takes a few after that to destroy me because the feelings never change and I am left hungry for something he cannot give and frustrated that I cannot offer him what I could easily offer another man. In reality, it appears that our only option is to torture one another with a taste of something we can never have: the other. Well, that or move the fuck on, which I have been attempting to do, albeit unsuccessfully, for far too long.

So props to Paige for being so wise and helping me not to "dig an even deeper hole that will being even harder to get out of" as she said. She is right. He and I spell disaster every time. Doesn't mean it's easy to stay away, mind you, especially after such a powerful dream, but I will use that dream as the gift that it was meant to be and just be grateful that he and I finally worked things through, if only in my dreams.


With love,

Mandy

xoxo

Hungry For The World

I want it all and I want it right now. I want everything, and I mean everything, and it can't come fast enough. I'm in a hurry to do I don't know what, to go I don't know where, and to be with I don't know who. I feel alive and ready for the world and a strong need to explore it in a brand new way.

Things have been percolating for some time now, and I'm itching to move, to live, to celebrate, to experiment, to taste and touch and feel it all. My urge to write how I'm feeling is equal to my urge to hop on a plane bound to God knows where...maybe New York. Oh how I love New York.

It's a Tuesday. I live in Cambridge. I have no car. But I have more freedom than most people I know to just up and go whenever I want, wherever I want.

I am not bound by a regular job, or a conventional relationship, or a mortgage or even a child. I am completely free to live how I want to live, and right now I want to be in a big city and not this little one. Yes I have mentioned Europe in past posts, but right now I'm in the mood for the big apple.

My daughter feels it too. We are both frustrated with our little part of the world and with our friends who are not as eager or free as we are to just fucking go balls out and live it up like nobody's business. Friends my age have commitments that I don't have: young children, spouses, and/or "real" jobs that prevent them from joining the Mandyland ride. Paige's friends on the other hand, are limited by their youth, controlling parents, or their own lack of adventure. Paige is limited by her age as well, but our goal is to get her fake ID asap so that she can start enjoying the things I was enjoying back when I had fake ID:)

Life is meant to be lived, and when you're in a small city with no nightlife during the week, it's enough to make you freak out a little. At least that's how I feel at this point in my life. This was never really the case before now. For years I was the reclusive writer (and a relative non-drinker) with a love/hate relationship with the world and most people in it. My goal was to remove myself from society at large and stay off the grid while connecting deeply and inwardly for the purpose of self-healing from a challenging past. I had many reasons and needs for this and it served me well.

The world stressed me the fuck out so I always did what felt right and safe. I raised my kid, I got my education, I found my life's work and I kept my circle small. I spent the majority of my life in my own sacred space, whether it was my home (as an adult) or my room (as a child), and I never veered too far for too long from my little bubble. I needed its protection after the life I endured, and I found solace in this hermitude. I needed things quiet. I needed to reflect. I needed to withdraw and I needed to heal.

I had 18 years of my own life and a few generations in addition to this, to face and transmute. I honestly feel like that is what I have spent the last 16 years doing. Working on this task and thankfully, succeeding. The dysfunction did not begin with my family of origin, but it ended with my family of creation. The buck stopped here. What I experienced growing up was not nearly as traumatic as what my mom went through, and I can only imagine that her mother suffered even more.

Paige's birth marked the birth of my true self. She was my reason for leaving home and my motivation for consciously taking the sacred path. She and I started our new lives together in a sense, and so even though I have been in this world for 35 years, I genuinely feel like a teenager. My life started 16 years ago. No wonder I look so young;)

My upbringing was the soil that nurtured the flower that is now me, but I look back on that time very rarely, and when I do, I only see it as the preparation that was necessary for me to do what I was born to do. I don't have a personal attachment to my family of origin or to my past, except intellectually, as a way to understand myself and my life.

Paige was my saving grace who became my teacher and became my sister and is now my friend. We have been many things to one another over the past 16 years, forming a bond that both my mother and grandmother envied and applauded. They did not have a close relationship, nor did I have one with my mom, but what Paige and I share has more than made up for all the brokenness that preceeded it.

The other week Paige and I had one of our 2hr chats and talked about everything under the sun from boys to drugs to drinking to sex to friends to hair to our dreams and our crushes. We held nothing back, and although Paige swore she wouldn't open up to me about particular things (which I respected), it all came out anyways because "it just doesn't feel right not to tell you everything because I respect and want your feedback". And so I was told the kinds of things that teens would normally only share with their besties, and I felt honoured. You know you've raised a great kid and done a great job as a parent when your 16 year old feels free to be that open. I mean, the whole thing brought tears to my eyes that night. Most teenagers want absolutely nothing to do with their parents. And so I thought, Did I really create this for us? Did I really not fuck up as bad as I thought? Did my daughter really just share her innermost thoughts and feelings with me? Heck yes she did.

Not only that, but she told me how much strength it must have taken for me to create something so beautiful (our life) out of something so difficult (my upbringing). Can you believe that? And then she told me I'm the best mom ever! How many 16 year olds say that shit to their parents????? Exactly!!! So that night meant the world to me and it made me feel so proud of what I've accomplished in my life. So proud that my daughter has no concept of what it means to lose herself, to be violated, to be made to feel insignificant, afraid, and insecure. She is so in tact and has such a healthy sense of self and confidence that sometimes I envy her.

She is who I might have been had I been given what I gave her growing up. She received all that I feel I missed out on: A mom who fully supports her dreams, who encourages her to develop her gifts, who listens and respects and admires and adores her, who protects her from harm (especially creepy men), who takes full responsibility for her shit and her life, and treats her as an equal in the sense that her thoughts and feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's. This is what Paige got growing up. She also got me at my worst, and still does, as I go through life and heal past junk, but overall, she is loved. She is safe. She is valued.

I know I write and speak much about my mom and her impact on my life, mainly because she is what I often measure things by. My intention is not to judge her but to understand myself and create a context for my life, and our relationship was the most prominent feature throughout most of it, for better or worse. Like every parent, my mom did the best that she could with what she was given. She was raised being told she was fat, stupid and ugly. I was raised being told I was smart and beautiful. We always do better with our own kids, having learned what not to repeat, and our kids will do even better with theirs.

The envy I felt towards Paige was especially intense a few weeks ago when she entered a Top Model Contest and subsequently landed a photo shoot with an amazing photographer because of it. Her ultimate dream is to model, and here she was with her photo in a contest and opportunities lining up effortlessly. It was bittersweet for me for a few reasons. I was proud of her, yet resentful. Not towards her perse, but towards what I missed out on at her age.

At 16 (or any age before that), I did not have the luxury of following my dreams while I was in somewhat abusive relationships, living in an alcoholic family with a mother who suffered from mental health issues, and a childhood that stopped short at 6 or 7 when I was first sexually violated. My mom's denial of what was going on made it impossible for her to protect me, and so I was brought back time and time again, despite having told her what happened. It was then that I learned I could not trust others to protect me, and I suppose that was when I grew up, becoming incredibly independent and defiant towards authority. This is also the reason why I made sure Paige would never, ever experience what I did. I broke away from my family for good reason, and Paige's retained childhood and innocence was our reward.

I do want to note however, that my mom apologized to me during the last week of her life for not protecting me from this man when I was a little girl. By that point (I was 33) I had already done much of the inner work surrounding that trauma so I no longer felt like I needed this apology, but I did appreciate it and I'm sure it healed something for both of us.

As for those bittersweet feelings towards Paige, what I envied was her freedom to just be 16 and only be concerned about her hair or a boy or whether or not it's her turn to use the computer. What a life. She can't even relate to the things I went through or the suffering of those people I support (thank God). Her life is pretty easy by comparison, and not only that, she's confident and gorgeous to boot! She's got it all, including a mom like me, and at 35 I'm only beginning to feel like things are coming together for me. I have spent the last 16 years doing the hardest work of my life and I still have yet to achieve many of my goals. I couldn't tend to them while I was working through all the garbage and raising a kid and avoiding society and staying true to my values. I was on protective mode for most of my life, and it is only now that I am breaking free of that and beginning to feel safe in the world.

I feel like I am the same age as Paige, in the sense that I began to build a brand new life when she came into the world. This would mean that I am only 16 years into life as that new Mandy, and only months into life as the Mandy that is not only free of the effects of the past, but also free of needing to care for a young child.

Paige is 16 which means I have more freedom than ever before. I went from living with my parents to moving out as a mother at 18 and now I am experiencing the luxury of being able to just go out whenever I want and not have to worry about the kid. Recently Paige complained that I have more of a life than she does, which is totally true. In the past month or so, I have been more social than I have probably been in my whole life. I am always wanting to go out, to do things, to meet people, to just play. I am having a blast and feel like this is only the beginning, and I am surprised that my need to disengage from the world is not really all that present right now. I just want more and more and more and more!

I spent so many years in a reflective and a reclusive state, doing the work of my soul and being a responsible human that now I am ready to just party! I want to celebrate because I have a bazillion reasons to celebrate! Look at all I've done and look how far I've come! Isn't it time to just leave it all behind and lighten the fuck up? Haven't I worked hard enough and long enough to warrant an extended "fuck it, I'm doing it all!" attitude? I think so. I think I've earned it and I know I deserve it.

I imagine this is why I am feeling so eager to go and play and explore and dance and connect and try new things as of late. I feel like a child who is seeing the world for the first time. I feel innocent and free and unburdened for once, and I want to take advantage of this state. It's time for me to live out the chapter(s) I missed while being a grown up in a young girl's body, while having to deal with the heavier issues that made growing up hard and made adulthood a very serious matter. It's time for me to live the life I was born to live. The life that could only have been possible after this work was done. The life I truly want and deserve...not that I am complaining about the great life I have lived up until now, because it has been incredible, but now I am free of the greatest weight: a life lived in reaction to the past.

First I lived the shitty past, then I rebelled against this past (hence the strict non-drinking that ensued for many years) and now I am just Mandy, in a world created with love and wisdom, where drinking is fun on occasion, and the world won't fall apart if I leave the past behind and just start fresh.

It's a fertile time of new beginnings, of new loves, of new experiences and new energies. I am so excited for what's to come and I am completely open to the possibilities.

Life is great and it only gets better. And it's just a wonderful time to be me. Happy, happy (and sometimes inebriated) me.

With love,

Mandy

Chapter Complete

Where to even begin?

Well since my last post, The One Who Affects Me Like No Other, both men who were mentioned in it have officially lost their respective titles. Nothing dramatic occurred except inside me, and it feels like that chapter of my life that included both of them is finally complete.

I got invited to go away for a weekend in Muskoka which I needed more than I thought. I loved it so much. I don't often go away because I'd rather work most times, and I'm not always in the mood for humans to be quite honest. But I agreed to go because it just felt right, and I decided to use my time away in nature to get my heart, mind and soul untangled from the man mentioned in my previous post.

Initially my goal was the opposite. I wanted our connection. I wanted things to feel okay again. I wanted resolution through a conversation with him, to which he agreed, and it was set for this past weekend.

I needed closure regarding what happened back in November, and I thought (and hoped) that we could heal the past together, and that things would finally be the way I wanted them to be: sane. I didn't want him as my partner or lover; I just wanted things to make sense for once. A tall order I suppose, given our history.

A year of back and forth followed by 6 months of silence had definitely taken its toll, and I wanted relief from the unanswered questions, the replaying of the past in my head, and the pain that our 6 month gap in communication created.

I wanted to make things right, despite knowing that they could never be, really, because it would require one of us to be something that we're not. But I wanted it nonetheless. And I still wanted an emotionally available and sensitive response to my heart because that's what I deserved, and for whatever reason, I had yet to accept that I would never get it from this particular man.

Until this time.

After our recent connection it was only a matter of days before I was reminded of why I bailed every time and why we stopped talking so long ago. If I kept things simple and superficial, it was game on. But if I made things real, it was game over. I had wasted so much time engaging on this basic level and feeling addicted to our strange dynamic that I couldn't get a proper guage on the insanity of it all. The consequence of this was the striking void of a genuine exchange that was nothing but an insult to my spirit, and a year and a half of confusion laced with intense moments of pleasure.

There was no real depth and true beauty between us, like I once believed, save for what I applied to our connection. Interesting how I attributed substance and meaning to something that didn't naturally possess those qualities. I filled my heart and mind with things that reflected me more than the reality of things, I suppose. When you are deep, you add depth. How could it be different?

Still, I was more addicted to him than any other. I may never understand why. Maybe it was just that time in my life. Maybe there really was something to it. And maybe I was just like every other person who was simply hung up on the wrong one because there was something inside me that needed what was offered. In the end, who cares. What matters is that my need for resolution through him finally dissolved. The hook was gone and I was free.

So I cancelled our chat before I headed to the Muskokas, and I upon returning, I knew that phone call would no longer be necessary. No need to reschedule. After a fun, reflective and insightful weekend away, things were no longer the same. I saw everything clearly. I saw him clearly. And that is where our story ends.

My questions were answered...not through him, but inside me. He was not required. The truth had always been present, and now I was finally ready to accept it. After that moment of awakening, my world changed. I let it all go. I released him fully and gained my freedom.

We have not connected since, and it's possible we never will. The pull is no longer present, which was the only thing that led me to him. With that gone, what's left?

All that remains is a lightness of being that has shifted everything. I feel like a brand new woman with a brand new life, freed from my past and open to all possibilities. No longer consumed by thoughts of what happened or the need to change a thing about it, I have stepped into my new world with a smile and I haven't looked back since.

My dream of meeting my one and only is ever-present, but my only goal is the truth. I intend to follow my heart and intuition to whatever person or experience it leads me to, no matter what that looks like. I may not be led to the one, but I will be taken where I need to go, and that is good enough for me.

I trust myself. I trust life. I trust that at every moment I am exactly where I need to be and who I need to be with.

If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.

With love,

Mandy xo