The One Who Affects Me Like No Other

It's an interesting time in Mandyland; with thoughts swirling about, the past resurfacing in the present, and a need to make sense of it all.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I didn't think so much. If I didn't spend the majority of my life contemplating, analyzing, and alchemizing everything around me, everything that has occurred, and all that goes on inwardly. There would be a freedom in that, wouldn't there? But there would be no writers.

Our life consists of what we create in our minds, plain and simple. Because no matter what we do or where we go, our home is contained in our thoughts. Our world is by our own design, and so I wonder, just wonder, what would happen if the party in my head stopped; just long enough to have no thoughts of the past, illusions of the present or projected stories of the future.

What would be left?

And then I think (there goes the thinking again) that this desire to lessen the noise is the main reason why people turn to drugs, to alcohol, to sex, to television, to porn, to whatever it is that takes us away, albiet temporarily, from our erratic inner landscape. And those who don't do that, turn to meditation and other more productive avenues to quiet the mind.

Constant self reflection seems to be the curse of the writer, for he or she lives entirely in the mind. I suppose this curse turns into a gift when the work is released and the readers nod their heads in agreement that this too is their reality, but the countless and endless hours of retrospection can oftentimes feel like an eternity; one from which there is no sense of relief. A new day; a new mind. A new set of circumstances to decipher and wade through in order to make it to the next set of life's mysteries.

The writer's work is never done, because even if there are no hands on the keyboard, or a hand holding a pen, there is a book being written nonetheless. Always in the mind, the writer's story unfolds. An endless search for meaning, for connection, for a purpose to all that transpires, and a quest to absorb it all, fully and completely.

It is no small task. A writer writes 24/7, if only in his mind, just as a painter paints at all hours, because all he can see are glimpses of what he has yet to create. There is no end point. There is no vacation. There is just a constant creation, a constant stirring, juxtaposed with the stale times, and an endless hunger to manifest the unseen.

As of late, I am starving. For what I don't know, but maybe by the end of this post I will have a clue.

I write to sort, to understand, to capture a moment in time. Today I write because I don't know what else to do with all that is happening inside me. I need a place to pour it all out, judgment-free, and to see if in doing so, I can release what I have been holding on to.


THE MAN

Much of my experience at the moment centers around one man. For those who follow my writings, you will know about 'my favourite man' and 'the man who affects me like no other'. Well, right now it's about the latter. This man who turns me upside down with only a few simple words, the man who I can never shake, the man who, even after 6 months of having nothing to do with him, manages to wreak havoc on my system after just one day of connecting (by text I might add!)

It happened at the end of last week and into the weekend, and that's all it took to take me right back to where I always was. Smiling and eager for the next message, and rushing to respond.

He is the only man I am like that with. The rest tend to wait. I am not quick to engage them because the pull just isn't there. But with this man, I cannot respond or hear from him fast enough. Ever. He is the only one to have maintained my interest as long as he has, primarily because he is the only man I have met whom I genuinely admire. It is his ambition and confidence that astounds me; even moreso as time goes on.

He amazes me with all that he creates and achieves. He goes after what he wants without thinking twice; without wondering if he is worthy of it because he knows he is. I am constantly in awe, even when I am pissed at him, because he is just that amazing at what he does.

His power in the physical world is equal to mine in the inner one. We seek to master our respective realms and tend to impress others in the process. I admire him. I respect him. He is a man I consider my equal, and yet, here we aren't.

I have probably spent more time thinking, talking and writing about this odd dynamic we share, than I have about any other subject in my life. Maybe not publicly, but rest assured my circle knows the whole story. It has always felt too close to home to delve into in my blog, because I never understood it and I honestly felt powerless with it. I still do. But I suppose those 6 months of not talking to him has helped me somewhat, even if only to give me an opportunity to look at things with less of an emotional charge.

Our recent reconnection changed everything, in the sense that he has not left my thoughts for a second since; making the affections of other men completely insignificant in my world. This is a reality I know all too well, because this is just as it was before.

It makes no sense at all. You wouldn't understand why it makes no sense, not knowing the whole story, but trust me. It's absurd that this man affects me like he does given all that has transpired. Given certain realities. Given how long it has been. Given what I am powerless to change.

And so there we were, messaging like no time had passed, swiftly entering our once established routine. The dance we danced so long ago, became new again, infused with the excitement of what could be, while temporarily setting aside all that never worked.

Our connection is so potent that I was willing to forget, at least for those moments, that this man is my kryptonite. This man need only write "Hello Mandy", and I fall right back in to the pool of intensity that marks our complicated relationship.

No person but him, has ever given me cause to run to my phone, to always be with my phone, or to pray to God for a man to text me. No one. The rest I can do without. But him? Impossible.

The gaps in between those messages have always killed me. I once brought this up to him to let him know how unacceptable these spaces were in Mandyland. His response: "You are quick to see all that I don't do. But slow to see that I drop everything when I see a message from you." Of course that was the perfect response, and proof that I affected him just like he affected me, but I couldn't admit it, so I just told him that my feelings on this topic won't change so we may as well accept it.

His response to that was to fill those gaps all evening. I loved it so much. That was in the fall.

It's now summer. And this is day number 3 since we connected. I am half ashamed to admit that I count every hour, because I feel every second of every minute that we are not engaged. It is an acute torture, to be quite honest, and my conversations with the universe are constant as I try to cope with this repeat of what once was.

I do not know why things are as they are, and I do not know what I am supposed to do with this experience. I cannot assume it is the same on his end, but I do know that despite his insane travelling schedule, the time difference, and the intensity of his work, his responses were immediate, he was happy to make me laugh and smile, and it appeared and felt as though nothing had changed.

I am sure many of us have that one person we can never get over. That one person who stirs something within us, without knowing how or why. Logically, it should be another. But it isn't. My favourite man was actually the one who loved and cared for me both physically and emotionally throughout my experience with the man I am currently speaking about. My favourite man kissed away my tears, listened to my pain, and tried to understand this strange connection I shared with a man I never wanted for my own, but somehow remains the only one.

My favourite man offered all that this other one could not, yet I would have traded a night of love making with a man that loved me, for one text from this man who I'm not sure ever did. I don't even know if I even loved him, to be quite honest. I just know that our broken connection hurts me every time.

I have many intuitive healers in my sphere because of who I am and the work that I do, and I have approached all of them at some point, sometimes more than once, to lay my experience with this particular man at their feet. Each time I hoped that they could shed some light on the situation and I could get my "once and for all" answer to the dilemma that has been my struggle for the past year and a half. But it never ends.

I have been told we have had past lives together, that we are deeply connected in this one, and once the man in question remarked, after yet another broken connection, that we could have made the perfect couple in another lifetime. So why not this one? For a million reasons, in my opinion; none of which I feel prepared to go into.

One healer noted a pattern: that he and I never seemed to match up at the same time. Ever. No matter how hard we tried, no matter how persistent he was, no matter how much it killed me to shut the door each time (believing I was doing the right thing for both of us), we never found a way to come together and stay together, or move apart and stay apart.

Both external and internal situations would push us together and then swiftly pull us apart. The constant back and forth hurt him as much as it hurt me, yet we just couldn't get it together. It even got to the point where he named my moves, like "The Plug Pull" (as I would constantly bail on our visits), and "The Goldfish" (when I would forget what made me bail and then enter into the dynamic like it was brand new). Of course he always welcomed this shift, until he couldn't any longer. A heart can only take so much.

My ways tortured him, and his tortured me. And I suppose that should be enough to prove that this wasn't a good thing so why the bleep am I still going on about this guy? Who knows. I don't get it at all. We both exude such a powerful front, yet we are weak when it comes to one another.

I have been told that our connection cannot be broken, that it is a spiritual and powerful one, and that our past was a demonstration of fear and lack of trust. I got body work done once and wept as I talked about he and I, and ran my mouth about all the reasons it would never work, it couldn't work, and why I needed to stay away, yet she said that the only reality was that he and I terrified one another. We were both afraid to love, and to be hurt. And maybe we did love, and we certainly did hurt, but neither of us got what we most wanted from the other. So maybe that is why it feels so unresolved. Because it is.

Regardless of what it is that brings us together and keeps us apart, life goes on. He achieves in his world and I achieve in mine. And occasionally we stumble upon one another's advancements and give words of encouragement, feeling grateful that there is someone else on this planet who works and moves at a similar (dizzying) speed.

He brings out the best and the worst in me. His presence makes me feel like I can do anything, especially because he treats me as such. His presence also makes me feel incredibly insecure in other areas, so it is an experience of intrigue followed by discomfort. It is pure heaven and utter hell. He is what I keep trying to be free of, yet I am bound to him like no other.

Many men try, but none are him, so what's the point. I need the intensity. I need it now. I need a man who challenges me and isn't afraid to match me. I especially need a man who isn't threatened by who I am, which is almost impossible to find.

It would take someone incredibly confident to win me over and keep me. Even this man could not keep me, yet he possesses all of me.

He just doesn't know it.

It's 10:19am and I am starving. Time to eat and yearn for more.

Mandy

What This Woman Wants

Since my short online dating stint back in February (you can read all about it on my blog, Plenty of Fish Heads) I haven't really shared or written very much with regards to relationships and tonight I'd like to change that.

Love is constantly on my mind and the yearning for perfect union with my true Beloved grows stronger each day, making it the main topic of many conversations in the past few weeks. Although my favourite man (whom I refer to in my dating blog and a few other posts on this one) is still on my mind and in my heart, he and I knew from the start that we were not 'it' for one another; ultimately.

Of course this didn't stop us from sharing our love, our time and our bodies for the past few years, as well as a short-lived 'relationship' that made me want to strangle him (I lasted 3 weeks and spent those 3 weeks quite miserable); not because he was less than wonderful, but because as my lover, he is King, but as my partner, he is far from what I desire.


CRYSTAL CLEAR

I have always been crystal clear on the kind of relationship I want, which is why I have been single most of my adult life. If it is not that, I just don't want it. I can't be content with less. And I can't stay quiet if I am not satisfied.

Despite us never having explored a conventional relationship during the 3 years I knew him, my favourite man and I both felt compelled to at least try to find a way to be together as a couple because the love is genuine and we simply adore one another.

What I learned within the first few days of our boyfriend/girlfriend set up however, was that love and adoration is not enough. Either you're a fit or you're not. And we certainly were the perfect fit as lovers, but as partners, not so much. And although I know he would give me the world if he could, even if it meant making many accommodations on his part (because he's just that kind of man), I did not want a partner who would need to change himself in order to suit me. I want the one who fits.

I know that many women would love to have a partner as malleable and willing, but I have never understood getting with a guy with the intention to change him or the hopes that he will change on his own...some day...in order for me to be happy. It's not only an insult to the man himself, but a waste of a woman's precious energy. The only thing we can control is our mind, and the only person we have control over is ourselves. To make someone else your mission is nuts. We all have enough of our own garbage to contend with; who needs someone else's as well?

Exactly.


WHAT IS LOVE?

The hardest part between he and I was my restlessness. I was hungry for something that he could not feed me, yet he was completely satisfied. He was with a beautiful woman whom he loved and adored and that was plenty for him. The rest didn't matter. What more did he need? Nothing, apparently.

And although what we shared was incredibly beautiful, and the envy of many of my friends, it was not enough because my sights have always been set on one thing; the holy grail of all relationships: the twin soul partnership.

He and I both knew that this was not what we possessed, but that knowing had no affect on our feelings for one another, so we gave it a whirl. Love is love, plain and simple. But loving someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with them. It doesn't mean they are the one for you. It doesn't mean forever. And repeatedly trying to make things work is proof enough that things aren't working, don't you think?

Love means you respect the other person and their choices, even if that means you no longer get to be with them. Love is about caring for another as much as you care for yourself, because we are all connected, and what you give is what you get. Love is about allowing someone to be who they are, without imposing your will on them, and it is about honouring them with the truth; the truth of your feelings, of what you are able to give, and of what you cannot give.

It's about setting and respecting those limits, and it's about talking until things are clear. It's about parting with peace and understanding, and it's about the sacred and secret language that only you and he share.

Love is not dependent on externals for it is an internal condition. It does not dissolve just because the other is absent, and it does not manifest just because the other is cute;)

Love is the greatest thing in the world, but greater still, is the love you share with the one you cannot be without. That is the love I am after. And I don't mean a co-dependent love, but a perfect union with the only person in the world who fits me like a glove. I believe it exists because I have seen it in others. I believe in perfect love between two imperfect people. I believe that when you meet your beloved; you just know.

I don't believe that this relationship "takes work", involves "sacrifice", or requires "compromise". Other relationships; yes. But not this one. When you are with your twin soul, it just works. The other kind of relationships merely prepare you for it.


MY DREAM

So how do I envision my beloved whom I have yet to meet? How do I see us interacting that is so much different than anything I have experienced to date?

Well, I believe we will both "just know", and once we do, that knowing can't be undone. We will come together and never part, because together we are one. We will talk freely and openly about anything and everything, and there will be no secrets between us because transparency is the only sane response to the one you truly love.

We are in each other's every thought, we revel in every touch, and we melt with every kiss.

Our love deepens by the hour, we only have eyes for one another, and our hearts, minds and souls are connected, now and forevermore.

We are what the other has longed for for an eternity, and our union (reunion) is all we truly seek in this lifetime.

Our worlds collide to create a new one; one that revolves around the other. Our true beloved.


THE FAIRYTALE

Co-dependency is the result of feeling inadequate and incomplete on your own, and that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about an enchanted reality that supports the belief that true and endless and perfect love exists. You know, the kind of love you read and dream about. The kind that is meant for true lovers. The kind that brings you to tears, makes life worth living, and has you waking up and falling asleep with a smile.

I believe in the fairytale; not the illusion of one. Many couples present an image of unity to the world while their hearts break, while they sit with the knowing that their lover is with another, while they crave for so much more. Most people are not satisfied within their partnerships, yet stay for a multitude of reasons: the kids, boredom, sex, fear, insecurity, desperation, habit, etc. It's sad, really. We were born to be happy and fulfilled. We are fully capable of making that a reality. So why don't we?

Don't you deserve to be with the one who makes your toes curl? The one who elevates your soul to its natural state. Who inspires you to love, live and kiss more deeply. Who sees right through you and glimpses a part of you that no one else sees. Who cannot keep from touching you, looking at you, speaking softly to you, and making you happy. The one who cannot be replaced. The one you cannot be without. The one who trumps all others. The only one that matters.

Your first, your last, your only.


WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS

So this is what I want: Perfect love. My imperfect King who is perfectly suited to me. A love without limits so that my entire being can soar the heights reserved only for the highest love.

I want to be seen for who I really am; beyond my beauty and accomplishments, and I want the deepest, most quiet and most profound love I have ever known.

I don't want just one slice; I want the whole fucking pie, and then some, because that's what I am willing to give.

I will give it all to the man worthy of all that I am. The one who has been waiting for a woman just like me.

And I will continue to believe that each man I am smitten with, has the potential to be the one, because some day I'll be right.

But for now, I am single, and will remain that way for as many years or experiences it takes until I meet the one who is the one.


THE WHOLE PACKAGE

Each man I meet shows me even more of what I desire, and in that sense I know that each man is bringing me closer to the one who embodies ALL of what I want, not just aspects of it. Every man who has captured my heart possesses something striking and beautiful that I will want emulated in my ultimate partnership, because why shouldn't I have all the things that make me swoon?

And if I am the whole package, which I most certainly am, why can't I have that in a man? I can. And I will.

I am a kaleidoscope still awaiting her rainbow, because that's what I deserve. So for the many who have wondered why the hell a woman like me is still single, there's your answer. He has yet to arrive.

But when he does, oh boy.

He will be the luckiest and most adored man on the planet.

With hopeful anticipation,
Mandy

His first, His last, His only.

When Illness Calls

It seems that the universe has been wanting me to slow down for a while now, but like every other time I am in a creative phase, I ignore this call to pull back for the sake of my work. I'd rather create and produce than to sleep or to eat, but of course (and sadly) that can't go on indefinitely. The body requires rest. It needs to eat. It needs to pause occasionally.

As I have mentioned in other notes however, my goal is to catch the inspiration while it's there (which is often), and to ride the wave until I can't any longer. Sure it's dumb, but it's a non-negotiable for me. Paige swears that I'm a workaholic, but I don't think so; I'm just divinely inspired most hours of the day and night;)

Last Friday I could feel the fatigue and illness setting in, but there was more work to do so I did it. Then Friday night I rewarded myself with some dancing, and Saturday it was back to work. By Sunday, still pushing, my bike got a flat tire; a sure sign to slow down, but I still had lots more to do so I kept going.

Monday hit and I was officially running on empty with exhaustion taking over, but I went on working until 4am, only to wake up a few hours later (now Tuesday morning) feeling like a bag of ass. I never understood that phrase.

I call in sick, I stay in bed, and I suffer the agony of not being physically or mentally capable of doing a damn thing.

For those of us who are used to a high level of productivity most days, it's a form of hell to need to stop before you feel ready to just because your body has decided it's time to quit. I am not good at not working. I am not good at not creating. I feel as if life is wasted when you're just laying on the couch. I'd rather work. I'd always rather do work. The exception to this is making love. That trumps work any day:)

But alas, it was time to recharge, despite my resistance to slowing down.

Every time I get sick I know why. It happens when I ignore my body for too long and refuse to give it what it needs when it needs it. So it goes on strike, creates an illness, and then I have no choice but to honour its request for rest and regeneration.

Eckhart Tolle's view on this is something I often remember when I am sick:


"It is not true that the up cycle is good and the down cycle bad, except in the mind’s judgment. Growth is usually considered positive, but nothing can grow forever. If growth, of whatever kind, were to go on and on, it would eventually become monstrous and destructive. Dissolution is needed for new growth to happen. One cannot exist without the other…

Your physical energy is also subject to cycles. It cannot always be at peak. There will be times of low as well as high energy. There will be periods when you are highly active and creative, but there may also be times when everything seems stagnant, when it seems that you are not getting anywhere, not achieving anything. A cycle can last for anything from a few hours to a few years…

Many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration. The compulsion to do…makes it hard or impossible for you to accept the low cycles and allow them to be. Thus, the intelligence of the organism may take over as a self-protective measure and create an illness in order to force you to stop, so that the necessary regeneration can take place."

(From ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle)


So now it's Saturday and I am on the mend while my daughter walks around with balls of tissue up her nose. Nice.

When you're sick, life sucks. Nothing else seems to matter because the lack of health and energy overwhelms all things during that time. All you care about is the crappiness running its course so that you can get back to feeling like yourself again.

That being said, being at home sick does have its advantages. Like the luxury of time to contemplate and sort one's mind. Like a reason to slow down and take stock. Like a wonderful visit from a friend with a backpack filled with healthy goodies (pictured below) and the tools and know-how to fix my bike's flat tire.


Rock on.

*sniffle, cough, hack*

Mandyland Awesome Awards

In light of an awards ceremony on June 5th, 2011 that left me and a few other artists feeling left out when we did not win our respective awards, I have decided to create the Mandyland Awesome Awards which are purely based on your personal level of awesomeness because then everyone who rocks in any way, shape or form can win!

Since this is Mandyland, I get to decide what goes on here, and I think it's high time we celebrate those people whose presence alone makes a difference in our lives. Those who give us warm fuzzies whenever we're around them. Those whom we can count on. Those who make us smile, make us strive for more, or make our shitty days a lot less shitty.

The Mandyland Awesome Award is for everyone, especially those with spunk, a fire within, and a light that shines wherever they go. It is for the big-hearted folks, the honest folks, the selfless and self-loving folks, the unconventional and the bold, the modest and the strong, the creatives, the mystics, the thinkers, the doers, the mothers, the fathers, their kids and their neighbours. The store clerks, your nana, his mentor and her sister.

There is no limit to the awesomeness we will find.


MANDYLAND AWESOME AWARD CRITERIA

It matters not what you do, how you make a living, how young or old you are, your size, your sex, your appearance or your past, or even where you reside in this world. The Mandyland Awesome Award is open to anyone and everyone who is making their little corner of the world that much brighter just by being who they are.

The first recipients of the Mandyland Awesome Award will be Angela Werstine and Kerri Mercer since they were sitting in the same row as me when we realized we did not win in our category at the 23rd Annual KW Arts Awards Waterloo Region. It's not that we thought we were the best of the bunch, it's that we know we rock, there's room for each of us, and we'd all love to win something special with our names on it.

To have been nominated is an honour to be sure, but let's face it, everyone deserves to be recognized for the contribution they make in this world, no matter what it is. We all deserve to shine. We all deserve to win. We all deserve that "WOOHOO! YOU FREAKING ROCK!" response from the world.

And that is just what the Mandyland Awesome Award will do:)


HOW TO NOMINATE YOURSELF AND/OR A FELLOW HOTTIE

If you would like to nominate yourself (because you already know you rock), or another (because they rock your world), this is what you'll need to do:

Email me (Mandy) at herhappyhighness@gmail.com with the following:

1. The nominee's full name, email address and/or FB link, and a great picture of them.
2. A short write up/poem/song/dance/video/anything about how this awesome human has impacted your life and/or the lives of others. Please focus on who they are as a person (not on their worldly accomplishments) and how their presence in this world makes our days even lovelier. If you choose to do a write up, do not worry about grammar and spelling because I will edit each piece myself. Your loving and/or humourous write up will be included along with the photo of the nominee on this blog.

*If you choose to remain anonymous, I will honour that. I will still need your write up as well as the nominee's email address and picture.


THEN WHAT?

Well, I will read all these wonderful nominations and probably shed a tear or two, or giggle and just be grateful for all the awesome humans that surround me. I will email or Facebook each nominee to congratulate them and let them know they have been nominated for an Awesome Award with a P.S. that says YOU WIN! Then I will add their picture on this blog and on Facebook along with the write up about them. Since I don't know how many entries I will receive, it is hard to say how many virtual awards will be given out. But there is no limit. This is a year-round process but I will be doing a monthly count and shout out to all our awesome winners.

Once we have a slew of awesome hotties collected, all Mandyland Awesome Award recipients will be invited to an annual thingamajig which will be I don't know where or when, but it will happen and it will be awesome. At this annual (or semi-annual if there are a ton of awesome hotties in waiting) the actual Proof of Awesomeness Certificates will be handed out to those in attendance.

You can receive your certificate at any time however, by sending a large self-addressed stamped envelope to Mandyland Awesome Award Sponsor, RareFunk! Here's the address!

Mandyland Awesome Award c/o RareFunk
91 King Street West
Kitchener, ON
N2G 1A7

Or you can pick it up in Cambridge, ON. Email me (Mandy) at herhappyhighness@gmail.com for the mailing address and to set up a time to do so.

The goal of the Mandyland Awards is pure fun, a celebration of good people from around the world, and a reason to smile.

I am sooooo looking forward to your entries! Let the collection of awesome humans begin!:)


Here is a glimpse of the Mandyland Awards blog!

I Prayed

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it's always knocking, but I have to let it in.

~Mastin Kipp