Today's message is one that is close to my heart, and I am hoping that by the end of it, you will be moved to support me in a way you could not before now. In a way that will make an incredible difference in my life, no matter how small your contribution may be.
THANK YOU
But first, let me thank you. For following my blogs and Facebook updates, joining my pages, reading my notes, books, and column, listening to my radio show, watching Sexpot Studio, taking my classes, and for taking the time to share your thoughts, personal stories and words of encouragement, love and support.
Over the years I have received hundreds of heartfelt messages from people around the world who have been inspired by the things I write and the way I live my life. Many of your words have brought me to tears and kept me going when I felt like giving up, and your loyalty has astounded me time and again.
Without your feedback I doubt I'd have been able to create such an incredible body of work. I would have either given up long before now, doubted my ability to make a difference, or wondered why I was even bothering to share my heart and soul the way I do.
But you have received me so beautifully. You have validated my efforts and proved to me that a life based on principles is one worth living. You have shown me that authenticity is a universal craving, that being real changes more lives than pretending to be someone you're not, and that it's okay to be human.
Many of you have been there through my highs and lows, both celebrating and crying along with me. Pivitol moments included my mom's death from cancer, my cat Tom's passing, my dealings with haters and a few depressions in between. Highlights included my projects (The Poet & The Butterfly, GODS & DIVAS, Mandyland in Echo Weekly, Mandyland Radio & Sexpot Studio) and my daughter's entry into the world of photography. All of these things I shared with you and you were there to offer so much feedback, love and encouragement. You have been so supportive over the years that I consider you, and all my cyber friends, an extension of my family, because I know you care and I know I am not alone no matter how alone I may feel sometimes.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
MY CHOSEN LIFESTYLE
Second, before I make my request, I'd like to give you an overview of Mandyland. Many of my followers will already know these things (as it is probably found in many posts on various blogs), but for those who do not, I will explain. I live my life off the grid, in the sense that I do not work in a conventional manner and do not get paid the way that most people do. This is my choice, because it allows me to do what I most love to do: live naturally, reflect, explore the inner realm, and report back to the world through notes, blogs, updates and videos.
As is stands, society is not set up to financially compensate people like me for the gifts we offer. I get paid to fold shirts but not to change lives (except through my classes-more on that in a minute), and so for someone like me, whose contribution to this world are ideas, reflections, insights and wisdom, it is not very easy to make a living. My options are:
1. To work a 'regular' job that would take away the time and energy (and passion!) I need in order to create and produce work that actually makes a difference in this world.
2. Do the work I am destined to do (writing and sharing) instead of working like most people do, and be broke, because who pays to read insightful posts, updates and notes?
3. Find a way to eat, pay the bills AND do what I love.
In an attempt to avoid merging with society more than necessary, I have opted for #3. I have, over the years, done what I can to not have to end up in a 9-5 that would undoubtedly kill the spirit that I am most known for. Time and time and time again I have gone broke for the sake of having the time freedom to do the work I know I was born to do. I have declined many offers offer the years that would have paid more bills, but at a cost to me. Either it would have made me miserable, gone against my core values and principles, or it just didn't feel right, which was enough to make me say no.
What I ended up with was a relatively empty bank account but a fulfilled spirit because my work drove me to heights that money could never buy. I am an idealist, to be sure, which may or may not be my curse, but I always believed that all my hard work would pay off; that I would one day reap the benefits of staying true to myself despite societal pressure to do the opposite. I was more concerned about doing what was right than what was guaranteed. Hence, a bohemian with no savings but a wealth of life that most people can't claim. Everything I do, I love, even working at Mark's Work Wearhouse. But would I work there if I had all the money I need? No. I'd stay at home and write. It just happens to be the perfect fit in the meantime: flexible, great staff, great environment, and doing an activity that I actually enjoy: making things look fabulous! I also have 2 great bosses that respect and honour me and my other work, so if I am caught up on a creative project I am free to switch the days and times I come in. I am very blessed that way.
WHAT I LIVE ON
This wealth of life and fullness of spirit gives the impression that I am financially wealthy, or so I'm told. People who meet me, read my work, see me in the videos or in my modeling pictures, automatically assume I have money. They also assume by all the work that I do, that I must be getting paid well for it. Well, y'all are wrong, and the tax man and my book keeper can vouch for it.
Here is my monthly income:
$40 per week from Echo (I get paid per piece).
$82 per week at Mark's (8hrs at minimum wage).
$25 per week from each Mandyland Radio sponsor (currently I have 2)
That is the income I can count on. That is what I live on. And the monthly Child Tax Credit is always my saving grace. I am not sure how much you live on, but I wonder if anyone could live off what I do and actually still remain happy to work, inspired to write, and generous enough to give away $100 to a good cause without even thinking twice. That's what I did recently, despite the fact that it is like 75% of what I make in a week.
You might think, holy shit woman! What the hell!? How can you live off that? Or, Why don't you work more hours at Mark's? Why don't you charge more for your sponsorships? I'll tell you why. Because I was working 12 hrs at Mark's for a time and it was overwhelming. Not the work; but the crunch of 3 days going into work (4 hr shifts) when I had so much else to do creatively. So I cut back to 2 shifts per week to keep the balance in my life. As for the radio show, I support local and independent businesses, so why the hell would I want to take more from them? They need all the support, promotion and money they can get, and I am happy to provide that service.
I view both my Mandyland column and Mandyland Radio as my contribution to society. I do it because there needs to be a spot where courageous independents are showcased and applauded for breaking out on their own. I do it because it's the right thing to do. I have the voice and the forum to help them get known, so I use it. Is it my passion? No. Navigating the inner world is. Connecting deeply with others is. That's where Sexpot Studio, GODS & DIVAS, and my various blogs and notes come in.
But these are not the things I typically get paid for. Yes, of course people pay for my classes, but if you saw the paperwork you would see that I offered more of them for free or reduced prices than I ever accepted full payment for. You would see that 3-6 months can go by without a paying class, and you would see that apart from the time I couldn't pay my rent or buy groceries last year, I actually didn't care that I wasn't making more money. If I had enough to live, I was content and my desire to help others was paramount. I just wanted to be free to write, to connect deeply, and to not have to work in a job that I hate, spending hours upon hours away from the work that I was born to do.
Now I know there are many artists who can do their craft outside of a regular job, but that has never been me. I chose to go into credit card debt to finance both my books, to make ends meet during the months I didn't teach, just so that I wouldn't have to go and work in the world like everyone else. Because I knew that if I did, I would be reduced to something I could not bear.
I would rather die than live like the masses. I would rather financial debt than poverty in my soul. I would rather write this note than do anything else right now, and so, this is why I make the choices that I do.
BEING BROKE ISN'T COOL
I do not think that being broke or poor or in debt is admirable. I do not believe in the starving artist mentality either. I think abundance is our birthright, on all levels, and I know I am destined for an incresingly abundant income. I just haven't gotten there yet. Primarily because it's not a product that I sell (apart from my books-which I often give away for free), it's me.
The product is Mandy's life and inner world on record for all to see and explore. How the hell would I market something like that? Exactly. Yet it is the thing I am the greatest at. It is my gift. It is what affects others the most: my videos and my writings and my presence and my ability to live life with a zest that is rare in our world.
I infuse the cyber and real world with something intangible, yet powerful, meaningful and potent. Yet I do not have a company or a network or an investor or even a partner in life backing me as I do what I do. What I have is Mandyland; a sacred place where I merge with the world in the best way I know how: through words. No one pays to be part of Mandyland because it is free for the world to see. And I certainly have no intentions of changing that because I must do what I do. It is encoded within me. I must share. If I did not write or speak about the things that matter, I would self-combust. And so I write, and I write, and I write.
And you may think: Why not write more books and sell those? Because as you will know if you read my money blog, my goal is to pay off my debt now, not to increase it. Because it costs money to produce them, and as you can see above, I don't have that luxury. I am hoping this post will change that reality.
MY REQUEST
So here is my request, and know that it is an open and sincere one, and not an expectation at all. If you have the means and the desire to donate any amount as a 'thank you' or a 'way to go, keep going girl', I have now included a PayPal option on each of my blogs. Even $1 makes a difference because I know I have thousands of followers who have been changed by my work. I know that many of my notes have inspired beautiful tears, much needed laughter, inner knowing, positive change and increased self-love and self-understanding. And so, for all that I have provided, I ask that you consider sharing what you can to enable me to keep going while living the lifestyle that supports me in giving my best to my readers and to the world.
You do not need a credit card to use PayPal. You can get it set up with your regular bank account. That's what I have done. You can make a one-time payment or pay each time my work hits home and makes a difference. Or, you can continue to support me through words of encouragement. I do not expect everyone to be into this idea, and I am taking a chance with it anyways.
I want to be clear that this is not a desperate plea and I am not asking for a handout. I am clearly able to eat from what I make through my paid work. What I am wanting is to find a way to get paid for my 'real' work, which I know has an incredible impact on many of you. I have given so freely for so many years and it would be a dream of mine to be financially applauded for my courageous offerings. I am proud of my collection of writings. I am proud of the difference I make in this world. And I am proud of the way I choose to live my life. It may not be conventional, but it works, and if you value what I do, then please consider a contribution.
Once more, only do what feels right to you. There is no pressure. Just an opportunity for you to share a resource (money) if you so choose, in exchange for the impact that I have had on your life.
Thank you for reading my request. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at herhappyhighness@gmail.com.
With love,
Mandy
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
On Writing, Dying, Love and My City
(Written May 20, 2011)
Everybody has to find his or her own way of witnessing, and the only way I can effectively witness is by writing. ~Geoffrey Hill
So much to say; only one keyboard:) I don't even know where to begin because my mind is spinning with countless words I wish I could splatter onto the screen without having to form the sentences myself. Because it takes time, and the time it takes has the potential to dilute the feelings, the inspiration, the potency of this insatiable need to catch it while you can. I would love an instantaneous outpouring of multiple lines but the computer and limit of two hands prevents it.
It's just one of those times when life becomes crystal clear, and its beauty can't help but bring you to tears, and you just can't wait to sit down and write about it; to claim it; because it too shall pass.
I have no journal at the moment. I filled the last page in my most recent one two days ago, and I have yet to pick up another. I will do that today after my note and some tanning, and will probably spend much of the long weekend with a pen in my hand.
Since my mind is overflowing with the happenings and insights of yesterday and last night (which I am about to share), I think I will simply make a list as the reflections come to me. I just need to get them out before they dissolve into the abyss of life that continues to flow. That's how I feel about all inspired moments: catch them while you can. Because life goes on, new conversations replace the old ones and as a writer or any other artist, you may have wished you had noted that marker moment or day before it faded away.
It's our job as artists to capture and deliver these gifts while we still have the light, because some day we won't. Some day we will no longer be here to share our musings, our take on the world, our unique contributions to this thing called life. I suppose this knowing is the reason I share so openly with others; through both my writings and my videos, as well as in person. It's what I was born to do: share. Maybe not my physical presence; because as those in my life know, I am highly selective about who I spend my time with, and even the ones I love the most rarely get to see me; the exception is my daughter and kitties, of course:)
So in a way, my willingness to be so open and vulnerable with the world through words, both written and verbal, requires the quiet and tiny bubble that produces it. I need both to function in this world. I need my time to just be, and time to deliver things to the public. I feel like I really have found the perfect balance. I have everything I need; support, love, food and shelter, my health and my well-being, and the freedom to express and live in a way that is off the grid. I know I could not function in a 9-5 earning money in the way most people do because I would lose all the things that make me the happiest and I would not have the time or the energy for the things that truly matter to me. This is why my life as a bohemian is paramount to me living at all. If I was forced to live as most people do, I wouldn't even bother. I wouldn't trade aything for the life I've created. Custom Mandyland creation right hurr;)
Anyways, I seem to have written a novel before I've even begun:) Here are the things I wanted to note:
My Brilliant Idea!
So yesterday I woke up with what I thought was the most brilliant idea for our European adventure. Going to Europe this summer, for the whole summer, so that Paige and I could experience the culture, travel throughout, begin networking and THEN determine where we would most like to get stationed. Then, we return to Canada, she finishes high school while I work on obtaining a work visa, and when she's 18, off we go. I get a place there and she leaves me for the world:) Sounds smart right? (Ignore the fact that I have zero savings or a means at the moment to make a European summer rendezvous a reality, but I was willing to rack up another credit card to make her dream come true while giving me what I would need before a big move: to experience the place and get things lined up before abandoning my perfect life here).
I also had another great idea to go along with this plan: www.couchsurfing.com. If you love to travel then get on that site. It connects travellers with hosts through a very public forum that includes visible references and friend connections from all around the world. Keveen was the one who introduced me to it and I have been a member since 2007 and in 2008/2009 when I was first entertaining the idea of moving to Italy with Paige (at the end of elementary school and before she started high school). I joined the Italy group on the site and the members (most of which live in Italy) gave me a wealth of info on jobs, how to get into the country, and the best places to live. I also got a number of offers from people to house us until we got our feet on the ground. Yes, that's what couchsurfing is like. Strangers helping strangers and extending good will to all. Well, almost all. Of course you need to trust your gut and only do what feels right (like I feel most comfortable being hosted by families or females), but I have hosted and been hosted over the years and every experience has been a good one. I no longer host because I've become very hoggish about my home and personal time, but I still stay on the site in case I can offer info to fellow travellers.
Anyways, I knew I could arrrange for Paige and I to be housed during the summer quite easily, and would have the benefit of being with a local, being fed, learning the language on site, and have the opportunity to explore the area with a guide. Brilliant, right? Well, Paige said no. That's her idea of hell and it's the exact thing she's trying to avoid. She then schooled me on her mission: self-reliance. She wants to travel, yes. But not with me or anyone else. She wants to explore Europe on her own. Period. If we moved there together it would only be a foot in the country for her and she'd be on her way. She has no desire to be housed with strangers, engage in small talk with people she doesn't even care about over meals she doesn't want to eat with them, and have teathers in a new country. What a kid. I fucking love her. So basically, she could care less if I move to Europe because she won't be home anyways:) LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! As she said, at 18 she's moving there no matter what, and has no desire to go there ahead of time to travel if she'll just be coming back to Canada. She wants to go and be gone and start her new life where she feels she belongs. My kid rocks. And me, well, I need a concrete plan in place before leaving, which I find so interesting because I don't require that in any other area of my life. Paige typically mocks my way of living and my belief in the universe and always trusting that things will work out (they always do), even though I rarely know how. Yet here she is, with no plan and no fear; just a knowing. Now she gets it:) And I suppose if moving was my ultimate dream, I'd already be on that plan because when I am ready for something, I do it. So the fact that I'm not, means it's not for me to do. At least not right now. I only do things when they feel right and when I am inspired to do them. Not one moment before or after.
My Home
Last night's insightful conversation with Paige brought us both to tears. It was beautiful. We talked about everything under the sun, but especially about her dreams and the reality that my little girl is growing up. My idea to move us to Europe was more for my benefit than hers it turns out:) Can you blame a mother for wanting to be on the same continent as her daughter? For wanting to be the one to get her settled in a new country before saying good bye? Exactly. And it's not like Paige is saying no to me being there, because sure it would be nice to have the mom you love on the side of the world that you're on. What she is saying is that me and the cats and her best friend are not deciding factors in her decision to get the hell outta dodge. She has nothing holding her back. She needs to do this. It's her journey. She feels like her time here is done. How can I not respect that?
And then we talked about the reality of my life here. I am happy. I love the people in my life, the work that I do, and my kitties and my beautiful home. I'd be leaving everything whereas she is leaving nothing. I am rooted in my home and city (quite happily), whereas Paige is rooted in herself. This here is not her life, she is simply sitting in on mine until her time comes to create her own, which is how I felt growing up as well. I had no choice but to live with my family of origin so when I was old enough to leave, I left, with Paige in my arms and a mother who told me I wouldn't make it on my own. I know is was her own fear and insecurity talking, but it made it that much easier to want to leave for good. Leaving home, especially as a young mom, wasn't easy, but my desire to give Paige something wonderful was more important to me than my need for security at home. I wanted the same thing Paige now wants: freedom from home, parental influence, and others, even society, trying to tell you what you should be.
Paige's independence is incredible. And her security in herself and her desire to just go and live and leave me is actually a wonderful compliment to me as a parent. She has a confidence and a surity about herself that I wish I had growing up or even in my 20's.
What really struck me last night, was when Paige advised against me moving to Europe just to be close to her. She reminded me that I have everything that makes me happy right here, and she is worried that going to a new country without having them, will lead to a depression. She is aware of how difficult it is for me to cope with changes; especially big ones. And this brought me to tears. Not only that she knew me so well but that she even cares. I can spiral down so easily if certain things are not in place for me, and I have worked very hard over the years to create a lifestyle that allows me to function without the extreme highs and lows that marked much of my life. Uprooting all of these things would probably put me somewhere I'd rather not go. For me to move (and be happy), I would need a high level of security...meaning, a secure (and beautiful) home, a job that suits me, and the freedom to live there as I already live here. Quality of life is the most important thing, and struggling in a new country to make ends meet is a lot different than effortlessly making ends meet here.
That being said, I don't want it to sound like my departure from home would destroy me, because I think it has the potential to liberate me. What I am saying is that I am aware of the things that have contributed to my overall well-being, and I am just not willing to go without these them if I don't have to. And now is just not the time. At this point in my life at least, I am not cut out for world travel on a whim. If I had the financial means to take care of everything no matter where I am, then that's a different story. The thought of going from couch to couch and in limbo all the time hardly appeals to me. Better to be rich and buy a home in Europe that I can go to 6 months of the year while enjoying the rest of my time here. I sound so posh, don't I?:)
So Now What?
So where does this leave things? Well, it was only a discussion, but an important one. Nothing is set in stone other than the fact that my little girl is leaving the country in 2 years (or sooner if she can), which makes me proud and oh so sad.
For 16 years Paige has been the grounding force in my life, and the time is nearing that my babe will be leaving and starting her own extraordinary life. Her birth represented the birth of myself, and her impending departure will no doubt represent a whole new chapter for me: life without my girl; my rock; my partner in crime, in the sense that we have always been a team. It was always just her and I, and because of that, we are extremely close. She and my bestie are the closest things to me, just like me and her bestie are the closest things to her. What a gift. One that both my mother and grandmother envied and applauded before my mom died. They wished they could have shared with one another the kind of connection I share with my daughter.
I know I will end up in Europe no matter what. I still feel like I am meant to be there at some point. I just know (after last night's discussion) that the conditions need to be right for me to go there anytime soon. And I trust that everything will absolutely fall into place when the time is right because that's just how life works. No need to worry about a thing. I know that Mandyland is a universal land, and can secure itself in any part of the world quite beautifully, but only if I feel ready and am guided to that particular place.
On a side and romantic note: I also believe that my future beloved whom I have yet to meet, may be the missing piece in this equation. Maybe when he arrives I will be ready for more worldly adventures because I'll have the perfect sidekick coming along for the ride:) I have yet to meet my one and only (if I had, we'd be together) but when I do, oh boy!:) I can't wait! And who knows? Maybe he awaits me in Europe, where I will inevitably end up at the perfect time. Or maybe he will escort me there so we can check up on the kid I am so damn proud of:)
Either way, I am destined for true love in this wonderful life of mine, and to stay connected to the child who happened to be just what I needed to make my world as beautiful as it is.
My City
Yesterday was a surreal experience for me. With the knowledge that I might soon be leaving this city behind (this was before Paige and I chatted), it made me love every little thing that much more. When I did my interview for an upcoming Mandyland column yesterday morning, getting the goosebumps I often do when I meet people who are following their dreams, I thought, "How can I leave this city; these people that I am so proud of? There are so many more of them in the region, and more to come, and it fills my heart to tell the world about them and the courageous leap they took to follow their heart and passion."
Then I went to my friend Sabrina's for a quick lunch, knowing that I am welcome at her place whenever I am in her part of town, and I thought, "She is part of my family. This city is filled with my family. It (and the people in it) takes care of me. They love me. I make a difference. If I ever lost our home, or heaven forbid, lost Paige, it would by my city, my friends, my cyber loves and those who have been touched by my presence, my words and my life, who would help me pick up the pieces. I would not be left alone. I would not be abandoned. I would not be without. I would never go hungry. This is my home."
And even though I am only 35 years young, I have always felt like I was 80; keenly aware of the reality that I will not always be here, and the ones I love will not always be here, so in the end, what really matters? It's love. It's the connections with those you love. It's spending your short time on earth doing what your heart and soul beckon you to do. It's not wasting life in a shitty job, a shitty relationship, or in my daughter's case, in a part of the world you know is not where you belong. If I was financially wealthy, I would pay for everything that would allow Paige to travel without worry and I'd be sending her off tomorrow and she could finish her last 2 years of school online while on the road. That's how much I love her. Enough to let her go.
As for me, I have it all. Well, everything except my imperfect king who is perfectly suited to me. But I know he is out there because I am right here. And my favourite man, who is making his way through Canada by foot right now, well...our love never changes. Time and space has no affect on what we feel, but we are both aware that I am hungry for the holy grail of relationships: my twin soul, and we know that is not him, despite our deep love. What we share is incredibly sacred and special to me, and him, and he will always be there. But I know what I know, and I will have what is meant for me. When the time is right, of course.
Now that I see how much I've written, I honestly wish I could get paid per line:) And if I got a dollar for every time I opened my heart, I'd be a millionaire. Why can't we get paid like that? For the love we give and the truth we bestow, in addition to the things we create? That would be awesome.
We All Die, And So...
What else would be awesome is leaving this earth while hanging on my couch surrounded by my kitties, my kid, my love, my closest friends, and the sun beaming in as it always does. Or maybe take the couch outside and bask in the sun as I take my last breath. That would be wonderful. I know we can't choose how to die, but I still think of these things sometimes. And I think of how I'd spend my last hour here on earth, a lot, and so I try to live my life based on that. On not spending time on things that count for nothing in the end.
If you're lucky enough to get old, you die in a room of things you've collected over the years, and your last thoughts are probably not of your business, your house, the money, the awards, or the shows you watched. I imagine everyone's last thoughts are of the ones they love and the memories that really meant something. So why even wait until you're on your deathbed to consider living more fully? It's foolish to believe that you've got forever and that the ones you love will be here forever. You don't and they won't. All you really have is this moment. You, or the one you love, may not be here in the morning.
So love this moment with all you've got. Live to the point of tears. Listen to your child. Hold out for the man or woman of your dreams. Let go. Quit your job and do what you love. Get some sun each day. Give yourself permission to be happy and live the life of your dreams, because unless you're a friend or daughter of mine, you probably won't have someone telling you to do it. Don't wait for things to be perfect. They never are. But you are, just like that. And live, dare to live. Dare to feel. Dare to be real. Dare to be yourself in a world that encourages people to live without thinking, questioning or believing in the unseen.
That is my wish for you and for my daughter <3
With immense love and gratitude for this beautiful, sunny day, my beautiful, cozy home, and the power of technology that allows me to share my heart with you.
Mandy
Everybody has to find his or her own way of witnessing, and the only way I can effectively witness is by writing. ~Geoffrey Hill
So much to say; only one keyboard:) I don't even know where to begin because my mind is spinning with countless words I wish I could splatter onto the screen without having to form the sentences myself. Because it takes time, and the time it takes has the potential to dilute the feelings, the inspiration, the potency of this insatiable need to catch it while you can. I would love an instantaneous outpouring of multiple lines but the computer and limit of two hands prevents it.
It's just one of those times when life becomes crystal clear, and its beauty can't help but bring you to tears, and you just can't wait to sit down and write about it; to claim it; because it too shall pass.
I have no journal at the moment. I filled the last page in my most recent one two days ago, and I have yet to pick up another. I will do that today after my note and some tanning, and will probably spend much of the long weekend with a pen in my hand.
Since my mind is overflowing with the happenings and insights of yesterday and last night (which I am about to share), I think I will simply make a list as the reflections come to me. I just need to get them out before they dissolve into the abyss of life that continues to flow. That's how I feel about all inspired moments: catch them while you can. Because life goes on, new conversations replace the old ones and as a writer or any other artist, you may have wished you had noted that marker moment or day before it faded away.
It's our job as artists to capture and deliver these gifts while we still have the light, because some day we won't. Some day we will no longer be here to share our musings, our take on the world, our unique contributions to this thing called life. I suppose this knowing is the reason I share so openly with others; through both my writings and my videos, as well as in person. It's what I was born to do: share. Maybe not my physical presence; because as those in my life know, I am highly selective about who I spend my time with, and even the ones I love the most rarely get to see me; the exception is my daughter and kitties, of course:)
So in a way, my willingness to be so open and vulnerable with the world through words, both written and verbal, requires the quiet and tiny bubble that produces it. I need both to function in this world. I need my time to just be, and time to deliver things to the public. I feel like I really have found the perfect balance. I have everything I need; support, love, food and shelter, my health and my well-being, and the freedom to express and live in a way that is off the grid. I know I could not function in a 9-5 earning money in the way most people do because I would lose all the things that make me the happiest and I would not have the time or the energy for the things that truly matter to me. This is why my life as a bohemian is paramount to me living at all. If I was forced to live as most people do, I wouldn't even bother. I wouldn't trade aything for the life I've created. Custom Mandyland creation right hurr;)
Anyways, I seem to have written a novel before I've even begun:) Here are the things I wanted to note:
My Brilliant Idea!
So yesterday I woke up with what I thought was the most brilliant idea for our European adventure. Going to Europe this summer, for the whole summer, so that Paige and I could experience the culture, travel throughout, begin networking and THEN determine where we would most like to get stationed. Then, we return to Canada, she finishes high school while I work on obtaining a work visa, and when she's 18, off we go. I get a place there and she leaves me for the world:) Sounds smart right? (Ignore the fact that I have zero savings or a means at the moment to make a European summer rendezvous a reality, but I was willing to rack up another credit card to make her dream come true while giving me what I would need before a big move: to experience the place and get things lined up before abandoning my perfect life here).
I also had another great idea to go along with this plan: www.couchsurfing.com. If you love to travel then get on that site. It connects travellers with hosts through a very public forum that includes visible references and friend connections from all around the world. Keveen was the one who introduced me to it and I have been a member since 2007 and in 2008/2009 when I was first entertaining the idea of moving to Italy with Paige (at the end of elementary school and before she started high school). I joined the Italy group on the site and the members (most of which live in Italy) gave me a wealth of info on jobs, how to get into the country, and the best places to live. I also got a number of offers from people to house us until we got our feet on the ground. Yes, that's what couchsurfing is like. Strangers helping strangers and extending good will to all. Well, almost all. Of course you need to trust your gut and only do what feels right (like I feel most comfortable being hosted by families or females), but I have hosted and been hosted over the years and every experience has been a good one. I no longer host because I've become very hoggish about my home and personal time, but I still stay on the site in case I can offer info to fellow travellers.
Anyways, I knew I could arrrange for Paige and I to be housed during the summer quite easily, and would have the benefit of being with a local, being fed, learning the language on site, and have the opportunity to explore the area with a guide. Brilliant, right? Well, Paige said no. That's her idea of hell and it's the exact thing she's trying to avoid. She then schooled me on her mission: self-reliance. She wants to travel, yes. But not with me or anyone else. She wants to explore Europe on her own. Period. If we moved there together it would only be a foot in the country for her and she'd be on her way. She has no desire to be housed with strangers, engage in small talk with people she doesn't even care about over meals she doesn't want to eat with them, and have teathers in a new country. What a kid. I fucking love her. So basically, she could care less if I move to Europe because she won't be home anyways:) LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! As she said, at 18 she's moving there no matter what, and has no desire to go there ahead of time to travel if she'll just be coming back to Canada. She wants to go and be gone and start her new life where she feels she belongs. My kid rocks. And me, well, I need a concrete plan in place before leaving, which I find so interesting because I don't require that in any other area of my life. Paige typically mocks my way of living and my belief in the universe and always trusting that things will work out (they always do), even though I rarely know how. Yet here she is, with no plan and no fear; just a knowing. Now she gets it:) And I suppose if moving was my ultimate dream, I'd already be on that plan because when I am ready for something, I do it. So the fact that I'm not, means it's not for me to do. At least not right now. I only do things when they feel right and when I am inspired to do them. Not one moment before or after.
My Home
Last night's insightful conversation with Paige brought us both to tears. It was beautiful. We talked about everything under the sun, but especially about her dreams and the reality that my little girl is growing up. My idea to move us to Europe was more for my benefit than hers it turns out:) Can you blame a mother for wanting to be on the same continent as her daughter? For wanting to be the one to get her settled in a new country before saying good bye? Exactly. And it's not like Paige is saying no to me being there, because sure it would be nice to have the mom you love on the side of the world that you're on. What she is saying is that me and the cats and her best friend are not deciding factors in her decision to get the hell outta dodge. She has nothing holding her back. She needs to do this. It's her journey. She feels like her time here is done. How can I not respect that?
And then we talked about the reality of my life here. I am happy. I love the people in my life, the work that I do, and my kitties and my beautiful home. I'd be leaving everything whereas she is leaving nothing. I am rooted in my home and city (quite happily), whereas Paige is rooted in herself. This here is not her life, she is simply sitting in on mine until her time comes to create her own, which is how I felt growing up as well. I had no choice but to live with my family of origin so when I was old enough to leave, I left, with Paige in my arms and a mother who told me I wouldn't make it on my own. I know is was her own fear and insecurity talking, but it made it that much easier to want to leave for good. Leaving home, especially as a young mom, wasn't easy, but my desire to give Paige something wonderful was more important to me than my need for security at home. I wanted the same thing Paige now wants: freedom from home, parental influence, and others, even society, trying to tell you what you should be.
Paige's independence is incredible. And her security in herself and her desire to just go and live and leave me is actually a wonderful compliment to me as a parent. She has a confidence and a surity about herself that I wish I had growing up or even in my 20's.
What really struck me last night, was when Paige advised against me moving to Europe just to be close to her. She reminded me that I have everything that makes me happy right here, and she is worried that going to a new country without having them, will lead to a depression. She is aware of how difficult it is for me to cope with changes; especially big ones. And this brought me to tears. Not only that she knew me so well but that she even cares. I can spiral down so easily if certain things are not in place for me, and I have worked very hard over the years to create a lifestyle that allows me to function without the extreme highs and lows that marked much of my life. Uprooting all of these things would probably put me somewhere I'd rather not go. For me to move (and be happy), I would need a high level of security...meaning, a secure (and beautiful) home, a job that suits me, and the freedom to live there as I already live here. Quality of life is the most important thing, and struggling in a new country to make ends meet is a lot different than effortlessly making ends meet here.
That being said, I don't want it to sound like my departure from home would destroy me, because I think it has the potential to liberate me. What I am saying is that I am aware of the things that have contributed to my overall well-being, and I am just not willing to go without these them if I don't have to. And now is just not the time. At this point in my life at least, I am not cut out for world travel on a whim. If I had the financial means to take care of everything no matter where I am, then that's a different story. The thought of going from couch to couch and in limbo all the time hardly appeals to me. Better to be rich and buy a home in Europe that I can go to 6 months of the year while enjoying the rest of my time here. I sound so posh, don't I?:)
So Now What?
So where does this leave things? Well, it was only a discussion, but an important one. Nothing is set in stone other than the fact that my little girl is leaving the country in 2 years (or sooner if she can), which makes me proud and oh so sad.
For 16 years Paige has been the grounding force in my life, and the time is nearing that my babe will be leaving and starting her own extraordinary life. Her birth represented the birth of myself, and her impending departure will no doubt represent a whole new chapter for me: life without my girl; my rock; my partner in crime, in the sense that we have always been a team. It was always just her and I, and because of that, we are extremely close. She and my bestie are the closest things to me, just like me and her bestie are the closest things to her. What a gift. One that both my mother and grandmother envied and applauded before my mom died. They wished they could have shared with one another the kind of connection I share with my daughter.
I know I will end up in Europe no matter what. I still feel like I am meant to be there at some point. I just know (after last night's discussion) that the conditions need to be right for me to go there anytime soon. And I trust that everything will absolutely fall into place when the time is right because that's just how life works. No need to worry about a thing. I know that Mandyland is a universal land, and can secure itself in any part of the world quite beautifully, but only if I feel ready and am guided to that particular place.
On a side and romantic note: I also believe that my future beloved whom I have yet to meet, may be the missing piece in this equation. Maybe when he arrives I will be ready for more worldly adventures because I'll have the perfect sidekick coming along for the ride:) I have yet to meet my one and only (if I had, we'd be together) but when I do, oh boy!:) I can't wait! And who knows? Maybe he awaits me in Europe, where I will inevitably end up at the perfect time. Or maybe he will escort me there so we can check up on the kid I am so damn proud of:)
Either way, I am destined for true love in this wonderful life of mine, and to stay connected to the child who happened to be just what I needed to make my world as beautiful as it is.
My City
Yesterday was a surreal experience for me. With the knowledge that I might soon be leaving this city behind (this was before Paige and I chatted), it made me love every little thing that much more. When I did my interview for an upcoming Mandyland column yesterday morning, getting the goosebumps I often do when I meet people who are following their dreams, I thought, "How can I leave this city; these people that I am so proud of? There are so many more of them in the region, and more to come, and it fills my heart to tell the world about them and the courageous leap they took to follow their heart and passion."
Then I went to my friend Sabrina's for a quick lunch, knowing that I am welcome at her place whenever I am in her part of town, and I thought, "She is part of my family. This city is filled with my family. It (and the people in it) takes care of me. They love me. I make a difference. If I ever lost our home, or heaven forbid, lost Paige, it would by my city, my friends, my cyber loves and those who have been touched by my presence, my words and my life, who would help me pick up the pieces. I would not be left alone. I would not be abandoned. I would not be without. I would never go hungry. This is my home."
And even though I am only 35 years young, I have always felt like I was 80; keenly aware of the reality that I will not always be here, and the ones I love will not always be here, so in the end, what really matters? It's love. It's the connections with those you love. It's spending your short time on earth doing what your heart and soul beckon you to do. It's not wasting life in a shitty job, a shitty relationship, or in my daughter's case, in a part of the world you know is not where you belong. If I was financially wealthy, I would pay for everything that would allow Paige to travel without worry and I'd be sending her off tomorrow and she could finish her last 2 years of school online while on the road. That's how much I love her. Enough to let her go.
As for me, I have it all. Well, everything except my imperfect king who is perfectly suited to me. But I know he is out there because I am right here. And my favourite man, who is making his way through Canada by foot right now, well...our love never changes. Time and space has no affect on what we feel, but we are both aware that I am hungry for the holy grail of relationships: my twin soul, and we know that is not him, despite our deep love. What we share is incredibly sacred and special to me, and him, and he will always be there. But I know what I know, and I will have what is meant for me. When the time is right, of course.
Now that I see how much I've written, I honestly wish I could get paid per line:) And if I got a dollar for every time I opened my heart, I'd be a millionaire. Why can't we get paid like that? For the love we give and the truth we bestow, in addition to the things we create? That would be awesome.
We All Die, And So...
What else would be awesome is leaving this earth while hanging on my couch surrounded by my kitties, my kid, my love, my closest friends, and the sun beaming in as it always does. Or maybe take the couch outside and bask in the sun as I take my last breath. That would be wonderful. I know we can't choose how to die, but I still think of these things sometimes. And I think of how I'd spend my last hour here on earth, a lot, and so I try to live my life based on that. On not spending time on things that count for nothing in the end.
If you're lucky enough to get old, you die in a room of things you've collected over the years, and your last thoughts are probably not of your business, your house, the money, the awards, or the shows you watched. I imagine everyone's last thoughts are of the ones they love and the memories that really meant something. So why even wait until you're on your deathbed to consider living more fully? It's foolish to believe that you've got forever and that the ones you love will be here forever. You don't and they won't. All you really have is this moment. You, or the one you love, may not be here in the morning.
So love this moment with all you've got. Live to the point of tears. Listen to your child. Hold out for the man or woman of your dreams. Let go. Quit your job and do what you love. Get some sun each day. Give yourself permission to be happy and live the life of your dreams, because unless you're a friend or daughter of mine, you probably won't have someone telling you to do it. Don't wait for things to be perfect. They never are. But you are, just like that. And live, dare to live. Dare to feel. Dare to be real. Dare to be yourself in a world that encourages people to live without thinking, questioning or believing in the unseen.
That is my wish for you and for my daughter <3
With immense love and gratitude for this beautiful, sunny day, my beautiful, cozy home, and the power of technology that allows me to share my heart with you.
Mandy
Change Can Be Vomitrocious
(Written May 19, 2011)
So here I am on my cozy couch reflecting on the idea that some day in the distant or not so distant future, I will no longer be living here in my beautiful home and city, let alone sitting on my beautiful couch. This both excites me and makes me want to hurl.
As many of you know from my recent updates, Paige and I are planning a move to Europe. No big deal;)
Truth be told, it's no big deal for Paige (whom I will talk about shortly), but for me, well...I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a stroke. I am bold and fearless with words and ideas, and I don't think twice about implementing new creative ventures immediately with no background knowledge or conventional expertise. I have an inspired idea and just do it with the resources I happen to have at the time. I am happy to learn as I go along and I am not too invested in how it will be recieved by others. I just do the things I feel compelled to do and so far things have worked out favourably. GODS & DIVAS, Mandyland Radio and Sexpot Studio were intuitively created and I am proud of the effect they have had on others.
But when it comes to physically leaving my comfort zone, I'm a real pussy. My security in life comes from the home I've created and the quiet and lovely bubble I inhabit in Cambridge. And from my kitties and the very teeny tiny sacred circle of close friends I surround myself with. I honestly could spend the rest of my life here in this house, in this city, and not feel like I was missing out on a thing.
My passion has always been inner transformation, and although I have not done a whole lot of traveling through the world, I feel that I am well-traveled in the inner realm. I explore countless parts of myself and report back my findings to those who may also be interested in traveling to the places I have been. I feel deeply connected to the world in that way, because many of the things I talk about and share are universal experiences. Many people can relate. And so for me, that is equal to me traveling the world. I do connect with the world, but from a very small yet expansive place.
My very first trip out of Canada was just last year and it took some convincing to go. An opportunity to explore NYC came up and the thought of leaving the country made me want to barf. And that was just a 4-day trip. The deciding factor was a comment from the man I was crazy about at the time, who happens to be a world traveler. Because I respect and value his opinion and experience, him simply telling me to go despite my terror was enough for me to suck it up and book my flight. Sure I felt like bailing a few times after the fact (due to sheer terror!) but thank god I didn't because it was the greatest time and trip of my life and I got two incredible friends out of the deal:)
(Side note: The men I love (or have loved) the most rarely live in the same country, province or city as me:) I love eccentrics; those who simply stand out from all the rest, and none of them are from Cambridge. My favourite man (who is Arabic) is currently walking through Canada. Just because:) He left May 1st and by Friday he was in Tobermory. And then of course there was Keveen from France (my co-author of The Poet & The Butterfly) who is well-known for his love-spreading adventures throughout the world (www.korakor.fr). Check him out! And then the one I never name but still affects me more than anyone else. Well, he happens to be in Russia at the moment after a recent visit to Hong Kong last month. Like WOW! So yeah, I find it pretty neat that these fascinating men move about as I stay stationed on my couch:) Side note complete:)
In some respects, given that I am so homebound, it seems absurd to me that I am considering a move to a different country. Especially one I have never even been to. So maybe I will visit first to at least get a feeling for the place, or... just sell our shit, cross my fingers, hop on the plane and hope for the best:) Regardless, I have always felt a pull towards Europe for reasons I have yet to understand. It just feels like my real home awaits me there, even though I feel right at home here as well.
What I do know is that Paige is destined for Europe. She has been wanting to move there for years and has been counting down the years until she is free to move out and far, far away. She doesn't care where in Europe because she plans to travel throughout; she is just certain that she doesn't belong in Canada; especially in Cambridge:) I fully support her dream and I will do what I can to help her realize it, which is why I would be willing to up and go along with her. When she turns 18 she will be leaving with or without me, so I figure if I can find a way to have us move there together before then, then at least I will be there to help her get set up in a new country. I think it would be an incredible adventure, and if after a year or two I felt the need to return to Canada, well then I could do that while she does her thing. At least I'd be there for the transition. That feels important to me. And I really do feel like I will fall in love with the country and find the perfect spot for Mandy to write, sun bathe, eat and make love:)
As for us potentially leaving before she graduates, well, in our house, school is not too highly regarded (depsite the fact that I have both a college diploma and an honours degree) because I believe life is the greatest teacher there is. Paige has more absences than all her friends (the same was true in elementary school) because 5 full days of school (or work for that matter) out of 7 just seems absurd to me, so a lot of skipping goes on. I would not be so liberal if she were struggling in school, but she doesn't, so it's all good. I do expect her to finish high school (which may be done online or through homeschool if we move before she graduates), but I do not push post-secondary at all. I encourage her go just go live and explore and travel and try things and find neat ways to get by and only go back to school when and if she feels ready. School will ALWAYS be there. The opportunity to live and travel without much responsibility will not. She already knows she would take photography if she did go to college, but she certainly has no plans to go to school in Canada:) And since she's already bilingual, she will have no issues picking up other languages as she goes along.
I kinda feel like Paige's path is set and is unfolding before her, whereas mine is now being shaken. I spent today feeling incredibly overwhelmed, terrified and like I was about to throw up-and that was just from researching the logistics of moving to a new country! The idea of selling all our things doesn't phase me because they are just things. I have already started pricing things on paper and making lists of things I'd need to do to prepare for the move. What I find very unsettling however, is the idea of being homeless, even temporaily. I am just so home-based. I have spent years creating our sanctuary (my bubble) and I am just not keen on abandoning it (bursting that bubble). Paige reminded me however, that I can create another beautiful home (bubble) anywhere else. I know she's right.
And in the end, if we are to move to Europe together, what we have is one another, and that's what truly matters. I just think it could potentially be the greatest adventure of our lives before she grows up and really moves on, so I am eager to explore the possibility because hey, you only live once right;) That being said, the experience will be much richer if I am not feeling vomitrocious during all of it.
Those who know and love me can appreciate how significant (and terrifying) it is for me to consider a move like this because my home and my kitties are so sacred to me. Those who don't know me well and witness my personality on Facebook probably think the declaration to move to Europe is sooooo Mandy:) Hahaha!!
I'll tell you the ideal Mandyland scenerio though: I meet and fall in love with my twin soul right here in town, and he happens to want to move to Europe (or lives there already but is just here visiting), and the three of us hop on the plane and never look back:) Under this circumstance I think the anxiety of leaving my bubble would be replaced by the anticipation of starting this new chapter with one sexy beast!:) So maybe that's the solution: insert delicious European man here.
That came out wrong.
Anyways, time will tell. I shall work on settling my barfy feelings and getting accustomed to this big change. Because once I'm ready, it's as good as done. I'm just not ready just yet:)
So here I am on my cozy couch reflecting on the idea that some day in the distant or not so distant future, I will no longer be living here in my beautiful home and city, let alone sitting on my beautiful couch. This both excites me and makes me want to hurl.
As many of you know from my recent updates, Paige and I are planning a move to Europe. No big deal;)
Truth be told, it's no big deal for Paige (whom I will talk about shortly), but for me, well...I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a stroke. I am bold and fearless with words and ideas, and I don't think twice about implementing new creative ventures immediately with no background knowledge or conventional expertise. I have an inspired idea and just do it with the resources I happen to have at the time. I am happy to learn as I go along and I am not too invested in how it will be recieved by others. I just do the things I feel compelled to do and so far things have worked out favourably. GODS & DIVAS, Mandyland Radio and Sexpot Studio were intuitively created and I am proud of the effect they have had on others.
But when it comes to physically leaving my comfort zone, I'm a real pussy. My security in life comes from the home I've created and the quiet and lovely bubble I inhabit in Cambridge. And from my kitties and the very teeny tiny sacred circle of close friends I surround myself with. I honestly could spend the rest of my life here in this house, in this city, and not feel like I was missing out on a thing.
My passion has always been inner transformation, and although I have not done a whole lot of traveling through the world, I feel that I am well-traveled in the inner realm. I explore countless parts of myself and report back my findings to those who may also be interested in traveling to the places I have been. I feel deeply connected to the world in that way, because many of the things I talk about and share are universal experiences. Many people can relate. And so for me, that is equal to me traveling the world. I do connect with the world, but from a very small yet expansive place.
My very first trip out of Canada was just last year and it took some convincing to go. An opportunity to explore NYC came up and the thought of leaving the country made me want to barf. And that was just a 4-day trip. The deciding factor was a comment from the man I was crazy about at the time, who happens to be a world traveler. Because I respect and value his opinion and experience, him simply telling me to go despite my terror was enough for me to suck it up and book my flight. Sure I felt like bailing a few times after the fact (due to sheer terror!) but thank god I didn't because it was the greatest time and trip of my life and I got two incredible friends out of the deal:)
(Side note: The men I love (or have loved) the most rarely live in the same country, province or city as me:) I love eccentrics; those who simply stand out from all the rest, and none of them are from Cambridge. My favourite man (who is Arabic) is currently walking through Canada. Just because:) He left May 1st and by Friday he was in Tobermory. And then of course there was Keveen from France (my co-author of The Poet & The Butterfly) who is well-known for his love-spreading adventures throughout the world (www.korakor.fr). Check him out! And then the one I never name but still affects me more than anyone else. Well, he happens to be in Russia at the moment after a recent visit to Hong Kong last month. Like WOW! So yeah, I find it pretty neat that these fascinating men move about as I stay stationed on my couch:) Side note complete:)
In some respects, given that I am so homebound, it seems absurd to me that I am considering a move to a different country. Especially one I have never even been to. So maybe I will visit first to at least get a feeling for the place, or... just sell our shit, cross my fingers, hop on the plane and hope for the best:) Regardless, I have always felt a pull towards Europe for reasons I have yet to understand. It just feels like my real home awaits me there, even though I feel right at home here as well.
What I do know is that Paige is destined for Europe. She has been wanting to move there for years and has been counting down the years until she is free to move out and far, far away. She doesn't care where in Europe because she plans to travel throughout; she is just certain that she doesn't belong in Canada; especially in Cambridge:) I fully support her dream and I will do what I can to help her realize it, which is why I would be willing to up and go along with her. When she turns 18 she will be leaving with or without me, so I figure if I can find a way to have us move there together before then, then at least I will be there to help her get set up in a new country. I think it would be an incredible adventure, and if after a year or two I felt the need to return to Canada, well then I could do that while she does her thing. At least I'd be there for the transition. That feels important to me. And I really do feel like I will fall in love with the country and find the perfect spot for Mandy to write, sun bathe, eat and make love:)
As for us potentially leaving before she graduates, well, in our house, school is not too highly regarded (depsite the fact that I have both a college diploma and an honours degree) because I believe life is the greatest teacher there is. Paige has more absences than all her friends (the same was true in elementary school) because 5 full days of school (or work for that matter) out of 7 just seems absurd to me, so a lot of skipping goes on. I would not be so liberal if she were struggling in school, but she doesn't, so it's all good. I do expect her to finish high school (which may be done online or through homeschool if we move before she graduates), but I do not push post-secondary at all. I encourage her go just go live and explore and travel and try things and find neat ways to get by and only go back to school when and if she feels ready. School will ALWAYS be there. The opportunity to live and travel without much responsibility will not. She already knows she would take photography if she did go to college, but she certainly has no plans to go to school in Canada:) And since she's already bilingual, she will have no issues picking up other languages as she goes along.
I kinda feel like Paige's path is set and is unfolding before her, whereas mine is now being shaken. I spent today feeling incredibly overwhelmed, terrified and like I was about to throw up-and that was just from researching the logistics of moving to a new country! The idea of selling all our things doesn't phase me because they are just things. I have already started pricing things on paper and making lists of things I'd need to do to prepare for the move. What I find very unsettling however, is the idea of being homeless, even temporaily. I am just so home-based. I have spent years creating our sanctuary (my bubble) and I am just not keen on abandoning it (bursting that bubble). Paige reminded me however, that I can create another beautiful home (bubble) anywhere else. I know she's right.
And in the end, if we are to move to Europe together, what we have is one another, and that's what truly matters. I just think it could potentially be the greatest adventure of our lives before she grows up and really moves on, so I am eager to explore the possibility because hey, you only live once right;) That being said, the experience will be much richer if I am not feeling vomitrocious during all of it.
Those who know and love me can appreciate how significant (and terrifying) it is for me to consider a move like this because my home and my kitties are so sacred to me. Those who don't know me well and witness my personality on Facebook probably think the declaration to move to Europe is sooooo Mandy:) Hahaha!!
I'll tell you the ideal Mandyland scenerio though: I meet and fall in love with my twin soul right here in town, and he happens to want to move to Europe (or lives there already but is just here visiting), and the three of us hop on the plane and never look back:) Under this circumstance I think the anxiety of leaving my bubble would be replaced by the anticipation of starting this new chapter with one sexy beast!:) So maybe that's the solution: insert delicious European man here.
That came out wrong.
Anyways, time will tell. I shall work on settling my barfy feelings and getting accustomed to this big change. Because once I'm ready, it's as good as done. I'm just not ready just yet:)
Politics 101
(Posted May 3, 2011)
In light of our recent election, I've complied some insightful quotes on the subject. Enjoy!
Politics, n: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman
Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is. -Mahatma Gandhi
It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen. ~George E. MacDonald
Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong. ~Richard Armour
Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant. -Henri Queille
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. ~Author Unknown
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. ~W.C. Fields
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field. ~Albert Einstein
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough. ~Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. ~Charles de Gaulle
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. ~Author Unknown
Truth is not determined by majority vote. ~Doug Gwyn
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. ~Ernest Benn
We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. ~Stewart Udall
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. ~Alfred E. Wiggam
Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning. ~Adlai E. Stevenson
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. ~Maureen Murphy
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? ~Robert Orben
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
Conservatism is the policy of make no change and consult your grandmother when in doubt. ~Woodrow Wilson
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. ~Richard Darman, director of the Office of Management and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
Mankind will never see an end of trouble until... lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power... become lovers of wisdom. ~Plato,The Republic
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. ~Emma Goldman
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? ~Author Unknown
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
Politics - I don't know why, but they seem to have a tendency to separate us, to keep us from one another, while nature is always and ever making efforts to bring us together. ~Sean O'Casey
The imbecility of men is always inviting the impudence of power. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
He's not a Republican, he's a Republican't. ~Author Unknown
A conservative is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits. ~Woodrow Wilson
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. ~John Stuard Mill
The qualities that get a man into power are not those that lead him, once established, to use power wisely. ~Lyman Bryson
Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed. ~Mao Zedong
In light of our recent election, I've complied some insightful quotes on the subject. Enjoy!
Politics, n: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman
Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is. -Mahatma Gandhi
It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen. ~George E. MacDonald
Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong. ~Richard Armour
Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant. -Henri Queille
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. ~Author Unknown
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. ~W.C. Fields
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field. ~Albert Einstein
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough. ~Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. ~Charles de Gaulle
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. ~Author Unknown
Truth is not determined by majority vote. ~Doug Gwyn
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. ~Ernest Benn
We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. ~Stewart Udall
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. ~Alfred E. Wiggam
Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning. ~Adlai E. Stevenson
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. ~Maureen Murphy
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? ~Robert Orben
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
Conservatism is the policy of make no change and consult your grandmother when in doubt. ~Woodrow Wilson
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. ~Richard Darman, director of the Office of Management and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
Mankind will never see an end of trouble until... lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power... become lovers of wisdom. ~Plato,The Republic
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. ~Emma Goldman
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? ~Author Unknown
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
Politics - I don't know why, but they seem to have a tendency to separate us, to keep us from one another, while nature is always and ever making efforts to bring us together. ~Sean O'Casey
The imbecility of men is always inviting the impudence of power. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
He's not a Republican, he's a Republican't. ~Author Unknown
A conservative is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits. ~Woodrow Wilson
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. ~John Stuard Mill
The qualities that get a man into power are not those that lead him, once established, to use power wisely. ~Lyman Bryson
Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed. ~Mao Zedong
Article on Toxic People by Wayne Dyer
(Posted April 30, 2011)
When you allow toxic people into your immediate energy field, you will find that your feelings of well-being diminish. Just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face, you increase your chances of getting sick, you must be careful about whom you elect to associate with to avoid contaminating your life energy.
You need to say good-bye, albeit with unconditional love, to anyone who pollutes your life space with slowed down energy.
If not, you must be prepared to stave off the intrusion of lower energy people first by recognizing it, and then neutralizing it by radiating stronger energy. The problem with attempting to continually be a neutralizer is that the effort required often exhausts you and that level of fatigue makes you susceptible to the lower energies.
Keeping your body energy fields clean by being resolute in your commitment to stay away from those who bring negativity to your life is an important strategy. This is true for any negativity or low energy that regularly invades your body space.
If someone brings anxiety, shame, depression, fear, whining, complaining, apathy, stress, worry, anger, guilt, or any of the multitude of is called lower energy patterns, they are inviting you to join in their misery and load your life up with problems that they live with every day. Become aware of what kinds of energy fields are impacting your body energy boundaries, and resolve to remove yourself from any toxicity that threatens the purity of your life space. When you feel yourself being breached, take immediate action, first by recognizing what is happening, and then moving in counter action.
Watch your breathing, being careful to take long, slow intakes of oxygen. Then consciously send out thoughts of kindness and love. Remove yourself in a conflict-free way from the invading forces.
Anyone you allow to be a regular visitor in your body energy field must come with love, peace, and the higher spiritual energies. Otherwise, vow to implement your silent strategy of removing yourself as quickly as possible from the debilitating energies. This is why those who reach levels of spiritual consciousness have a select group of friends. They treasure their privacy and guard themselves from the marauding forces of lower energy people.
Furthermore, they value silence and a pure environment, moving away from loud people, loud noises, poisonous intrusions, and toxic environments.
Wayne Dyer rocks.
When you allow toxic people into your immediate energy field, you will find that your feelings of well-being diminish. Just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face, you increase your chances of getting sick, you must be careful about whom you elect to associate with to avoid contaminating your life energy.
You need to say good-bye, albeit with unconditional love, to anyone who pollutes your life space with slowed down energy.
If not, you must be prepared to stave off the intrusion of lower energy people first by recognizing it, and then neutralizing it by radiating stronger energy. The problem with attempting to continually be a neutralizer is that the effort required often exhausts you and that level of fatigue makes you susceptible to the lower energies.
Keeping your body energy fields clean by being resolute in your commitment to stay away from those who bring negativity to your life is an important strategy. This is true for any negativity or low energy that regularly invades your body space.
If someone brings anxiety, shame, depression, fear, whining, complaining, apathy, stress, worry, anger, guilt, or any of the multitude of is called lower energy patterns, they are inviting you to join in their misery and load your life up with problems that they live with every day. Become aware of what kinds of energy fields are impacting your body energy boundaries, and resolve to remove yourself from any toxicity that threatens the purity of your life space. When you feel yourself being breached, take immediate action, first by recognizing what is happening, and then moving in counter action.
Watch your breathing, being careful to take long, slow intakes of oxygen. Then consciously send out thoughts of kindness and love. Remove yourself in a conflict-free way from the invading forces.
Anyone you allow to be a regular visitor in your body energy field must come with love, peace, and the higher spiritual energies. Otherwise, vow to implement your silent strategy of removing yourself as quickly as possible from the debilitating energies. This is why those who reach levels of spiritual consciousness have a select group of friends. They treasure their privacy and guard themselves from the marauding forces of lower energy people.
Furthermore, they value silence and a pure environment, moving away from loud people, loud noises, poisonous intrusions, and toxic environments.
Wayne Dyer rocks.
Mandyland 101
(Written March 7, 2011)
I'm writing this note in response to some feedback I got recently about Mandyland Radio.
And I quote: "You can't just like all your guests. You need to ask hard questions. You need to make them sweat! That's what your listeners want."
Alrighty then, Mr. Got A Bone To Pick With The World. Clearly you have zero understanding about Mandyland. I only interview, feature and spend time with people I like. I am notorious for playing favourites. THAT is the essence of Mandyland. If I think you rock, people are gonna hear about it. Period. So of course I can like all my guests. That's why I invited them on in the first place. Duh.
It's MY land, remember? Filled only with things and people that I love. And because I love them, why would I want to make them feel like shit? Why would I intentionally set the stage for them to feel uncomfortable and never want to return to Mandyland? I wouldn't invite a guest into my home for the purpose of a verbal assault, would you? Don't answer that.
What is wonderful about Mandyland is that everyone feels welcomed and valued. People who are nervous and would have never thought they'd be ok talking on radio, remark how easy it was and how comfortable and relaxed they felt in the studio. I feel honoured by this. And I love knowing that they look forward to coming back on the show.
The goal of Mandyland (both on radio and in my written features) is to highlight remarkable people and businesses that stand out in some way and make a positive impact in the world. They need and deserve to be commended; not made to sweat.
And since the style of Mandyland Radio is conversational in nature (because I tend to talk more than the average human:) I do not use a script or have a list of questions to go by, although I may jot down a few key points I don't want to forget. Basically I just talk with my guests about what they do and the result is an informative, organic, and often humourous show that leaves everyone feeling good, including my listeners.
Life is too short to spend it with douchebags and I pride myself on the douchebag-free environment I maintain in my life, home and work. If that's not what you're looking for or can appreciate, then Mandyland is not for you. Better for you to create your own podcast and do the things that YOU want to do in the way you want to do it, than to tell me how to do mine.
Sincerely,
Mandy Likes Everyone But You Richardson
I'm writing this note in response to some feedback I got recently about Mandyland Radio.
And I quote: "You can't just like all your guests. You need to ask hard questions. You need to make them sweat! That's what your listeners want."
Alrighty then, Mr. Got A Bone To Pick With The World. Clearly you have zero understanding about Mandyland. I only interview, feature and spend time with people I like. I am notorious for playing favourites. THAT is the essence of Mandyland. If I think you rock, people are gonna hear about it. Period. So of course I can like all my guests. That's why I invited them on in the first place. Duh.
It's MY land, remember? Filled only with things and people that I love. And because I love them, why would I want to make them feel like shit? Why would I intentionally set the stage for them to feel uncomfortable and never want to return to Mandyland? I wouldn't invite a guest into my home for the purpose of a verbal assault, would you? Don't answer that.
What is wonderful about Mandyland is that everyone feels welcomed and valued. People who are nervous and would have never thought they'd be ok talking on radio, remark how easy it was and how comfortable and relaxed they felt in the studio. I feel honoured by this. And I love knowing that they look forward to coming back on the show.
The goal of Mandyland (both on radio and in my written features) is to highlight remarkable people and businesses that stand out in some way and make a positive impact in the world. They need and deserve to be commended; not made to sweat.
And since the style of Mandyland Radio is conversational in nature (because I tend to talk more than the average human:) I do not use a script or have a list of questions to go by, although I may jot down a few key points I don't want to forget. Basically I just talk with my guests about what they do and the result is an informative, organic, and often humourous show that leaves everyone feeling good, including my listeners.
Life is too short to spend it with douchebags and I pride myself on the douchebag-free environment I maintain in my life, home and work. If that's not what you're looking for or can appreciate, then Mandyland is not for you. Better for you to create your own podcast and do the things that YOU want to do in the way you want to do it, than to tell me how to do mine.
Sincerely,
Mandy Likes Everyone But You Richardson
On Sex, Love & Other Such Nonsense
(Written February 27, 2011)
Over the years readers and friends have asked me why I don't write more on the topic of relationships. Considering the fact that this is the subject I spend most of my time reading and talking about, I wonder the same thing. I mean, most of my texts, emails and phone calls center around love, boys, girls, relationships, sex, etc., so you'd think it would be what I would write about primarily. But no. Maybe it's because I use up all the words on my close inner circle and my journal, so it just doesn't make its way into a note or blog. Who knows. But today I'm going to share my thoughts on a few subjects that I have toyed or struggled with over the years. And maybe you'll relate. Or maybe you'll just think I'm crazy. But hopefully it will spark some thought for discussion.
Please note that I am simply going to write my first thoughts on each. Therefore, some will probably be longer than others, most will not include full sentences, and keep in mind that numerous books have been written on each so it's not like I can cover everything that has ever crossed my mind on these subjects. These are just the basics of things I have been intrigued by. This is also meant for adults; not kids, and it is written with the assumption that you are taking care to protect yourself sexually, that you only do things that feel right for you, and that you are with a partner who respects you. If these things are not the case, there is a problem, and I suggest you take a look at that before anything else.
Here we go:
Monogamy
Not for everyone, that's for sure. It works when both people value it. It can create a feeling of security within the relationship when both honour it. I think it is a beautiful gift and expression of love between two people who agree and want to live within this paradigm. It is not a cure for jealousy. It is socially accepted and expected in our culture but one look at real people in real relationships and you will find a slew of infidelity within the context of monogamy. It is limiting for certain folks who might want to consider the next topic.
Polyamory
My preferred style of relating because I like to be free to explore whomever I feel drawn to and I value my freedom and independence more than the average person. Open relationships work best when all parties are completely honest about things. It's not polyamory when your partner doesn't know you're fucking someone else. That's cheating. It's deceit. It's disprectful. And it is the reason why I have had so few lovers despite my open nature. I need others to be on the same page and secrecy just doesn't fly with me, and the only man I have found who is as truthful, open and respectful as I am, is the one I am currently with.
Women
I absolutely adore women on so many levels. I feel a kinship with them, naturally, and I celebrate their beauty, intelligence, sensuality and intuition as frequently as I celebrate my own. I feel like I live every man's dream because I get to basically kiss and touch whatever beautiful lady I feel drawn to and don't have the barrier that comes along with being a man. A man is not as free to grope without being deemed a pervert, creep, etc. Most females do not like unwanted sexual attention from a random guy, whereas they often welcome some sexiness from a fellow female. I'm not saying this is fair, I'm just saying that this makes me pretty damn lucky:) Also, I have yet to be with a man who is threatened by me being with another female in any capacity. Men quite enjoy the thought.
Abstinence
A great thing worth exploring as it can deepen your relatonship with yourself and help you to remain focused on your own life and goals. A necessary choice at times when love has left you raw and broken and you need time to recover. The best way to avoid pregnancy and STD's, or the unfortunate result of not having someone to shag for whatever reason. It is not the solution however, to avoid getting close or being hurt in relationships or to express one's anger at a mate. That is a fear-based choice that will not serve you in the long run because we are not meant to guard ourselves from love and everyone around us. On a personal note, I have been abstinent more years than not because I'm pretty picky about who I'm willing to share myself with sexually. During those times I did not percieve it as a negative thing. More often than not it was chosen and I was just as content on my own as I was when a lover was in my world. Self love can go a long way.
Self Love
Code phrase for you know what. Ideally you should know yourself, your body, and what pleases you better than any other. You are your fulltime partner, lover, and friend, so don't neglect yourself with the false belief that someone else should be providing all things to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and for gettng your own needs met.
Sex Toys
Surprisingly enough, I have never used them. I like the real deal. Give me a great man with a hard cock and I'm good to go. That being said, I'm not against them, nor do I feel uncomfortable about the role they serve. I just have yet to explore this area.
Threesomes
Even the word makes me giggle. Threesomes are especially fun when you are not too attached to the hotties you're shagging. But I imagine a threesome involving someone you love can open the door to some unsettling feelings, so I would not recommend it unless you and your primary partner have already built a solid foundation of trust, open communication and emtional safety. Dealing with the feelings and insecurites that may surface requires a committment on both sides to make sure there is space to explore them. Also, threesomes may work best when you are just starting out with a partner, before feelings have had a chance to deepen. One more point: men typically fantasize about being with 2 women. I get it. We're hot. But if I were to consider giving that gift to a man, I think it's fair for me to ask for the same from him. Meaning, he gets what he wants after I get what I want, which would be him and another man of my choosing. Not surprisingly, most men will say no to this. They either don't want to see a naked man, period, or that naked man shagging his lady, or his lady enjoying her time with this yummy second. Most men feel threatened by these things, yet don't think twice about their own request for an additional lady in the bedroom. He wants two women for the purpose of his own pleasure, yet gets his knickers twisted if his woman would like to double her own pleasure as well. Interesting. Something to think about and maybe challenge the next time your man brings it up. I know I am not your average woman, but I know I am not the only woman with a hearty sexual appetite, and I am certainly not one to starve myself, nor am I one to offer a feast to a man who would not offer me the same.
Faking It
This is something I will never understand. If I was not enjoying what was happening with a partner I would sure as hell point him in the right direction instead of going along with whatever he was doing that wasn't working. I actually enjoy feeling good so what purpose does it serve to be silent when that isn't happening? Much better to tell the bloke what's what so we can both have a good time.
Impromptu Orgies
Fun when you are drunk in NYC. Totally worth losing your cell phone for.
Soulmates
I have read more on this subject than any other, I'm sure. Fascinating topic. Personally, I consider us all soulmates because we are all connected at the deepest level whether we are aware of it or not. I could write for years on this but won't.
The One
I have mixed feelings on this. I do believe that certain people match us better energetically than others, and so we radiate on a higher frequency with them than we do with others. All of us resonate with certain people, and when we feel especially connected or 'matched', we feel like we have found the one. But here's my beef: I was energetically matched at the time to every partner I have ever had (or we would not have been together), and I'm sure there were times I felt like each one was 'the one' for whatever reason, but we grew, we changed, we learned our lessons and that energetic charge dissolved and resurfaced with the next teacher/lover/partner which indicated I was ready for the next stage of growth. Therefore, this repeated experience shows me that even though I am currently with a man who is a match for me at this stage of my life, it doesn't mean we will be matched in a month, or a year or 10 years. My deep and beautiful experience with this man will only continue as long as it's meant to. For now he is the only one who has my heart, but no one can control how two people grow and develop, both together and apart, so we simply stay current with one another and keep the lines of communication open.
Open Communication
The base of any solid relationship. I need it like I need air. I hate wondering what is going on. I like things to be transparent so that I have the opportunity to choose what to do with whatever information I am presented with. I feel like I can handle anything if I am told the truth. But I know I cannot handle not knowing something. ALL unspoken truths are felt on a certain level, and this is often the reason why a partner begins to act a little crazy. I know I can act nutty when I feel like something is going on that he/she is not verbalizing, and it is important for both partners to have the courage to be honest with one another. It may not be easy, but half truths are even harder to maintain. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Share your feelings, and expect them to be honoured. If you are not free to share your innermost self with your partner without being invalidated, ignored, minimized, ridiculed, or punished in some way, then why the hell are you with that person? You deserve a helluva lot better than that, my love.
Twin Souls/Twin Flames
This concept is the bane of my existence as it is the holy grail of relationships and is the only thing I want and have yet to achieve. It is rare, but inevitable for all of us, even if it takes countless lifetimes, and it is the end result of your soul's work. It is the perfect and divine union with your other half, your twin flame, the one who completes you. Not in the codependent sense, but in a returning home sense. With this person you are free to soar the heights because you both have completed your respective tasks in previous relationships and you are now finally free and ready for the kind of love experience that others only dream about. I personally only know one couple who shares this beautiful gift; Jack & Annie, and I interviewed them last year about their twin soul relationship. They are my heroes, my role models and proof that what I crave actually does exist. When I describe them to others, most are quick to discount it based on their limited perceptions of what a relationship is like. The prevailing beliefs that relationships take work, require sacrifice and compromise, and have a honeymoon phase that inevitably fades out over time, absolutely DO NOT apply a twin soul partnership. With your twin flame, it is effortless. Always. The love only grows deeper over time. Both people are enhanced by the connection, not diminished by it, and this never changes. These are the ones who will be together for life, without question, because they have returned home through one another. They cannot be separated in any way. They cannot be apart because they are one. They share a love and exude a vibrancy that gives life and hope to everyone they come into contact with. They truly only have eyes for one another and they are in each other's every thought, word, and deed. It is said that one's current relationship can be transformed into a twin soul partnership if and when both people are ready and completely available for this life-changing experience. Anything is possible. It's all about timing, readiness, and magic:)
Marriage
GAH!!! I have never been married so maybe I shouldn't even be saying a thing, but marriage has never appealed to me for a number of reasons so in case you feel the same, it might be nice to know you're not alone. Yes I know there are a ton of happily married couples out there and I'm not about to knock them. To each his own and if it works work you, awesome. But this is my note and I have seen more crappy marriages than good ones so here are my thoughts on it (specifically for those who are with someone who is less than their ideal): 1. A piece of paper means nothing and will not bind two people who are not meant to be bound. 2. If you're going to do it, make sure he/she is worth it and while you're at it, plan for the divorce. 3. Staying together in a loveless relationship with someone you've since outgrown just because of this damned and dying institution is absolutely insane. 4. Marriage does not equal happiness so if your relationship wasn't solid before you walked down the aisle, why do you assume that a ring around your finger will make all your problems disappear? That's about as smart as thinking that having a baby with some jackass will make him less of a jackass once all three of you can't sleep though the night. Right. I'm sure I sound cynical, but it's only because I am. There's just something absurd about people investing more time, thought and energy into their big day than they do into their partnership, which I have witnessed and makes me shake my head. Of course I am not talking about everyone here. I have friends who are happily married and I know it is a gift they treasure. So I'm not even sure what my point is other than the fact that marriage isn't always a great idea. Yes there are couples who last and stay matched for many years or for life, but I would guess that most don't, or even if they do choose to stay together, it's not necessarily for the best reasons or they are not entirely happy with this set up and are ashamed to admit it. Also, divorce sucks ass and along with that ordeal there's the kids to think about and share, and payments and lawyers and therapy and I should just shut up. In my opinion, what matters between two people is what they share behind closed doors. Period. It's the quality of the connection that determines all things. If the relationship is on the rocks, nothing external will fix it. And if the relationship is solid, the externals will only enhance it. There, that's what I was trying to say through all those words. P.S. I would 'marry' my twin soul fo shizzle. There would be no minister, no legal paperwork and no stupid DJ, but there would definitely be love, beauty and sacred moments between myself and my beloved and a celebration to remember with all our wonderful guests. Just like one celebrates a birthday, I would celebrate 'our' day, as a way to mark this new chapter of togetherness. Which, I suppose, is why people are drawn to the tradition of marriage. But for those who look to it as a means to feel secure, to 'keep' another, to ensure stability (whatever that means), well, I just don't get it.
Cohabitation
As with marriage, I've never desired it. I mean, I don't even like living with my kid most of the time and we are both counting down the years until she moves out. My cats are the exception. I do love living with them because they don't talk back. Another exception would be my twin soul. I would live with him I'm sure. But for a regular love relationship, no thanks. I love having my own space. I love going to spend the night at my lover's home and returning to my own home the next day. I like each visit feeling like a sexy date because we have prepared for the other's arrival, and I honestly don't dream of the day to day with the same person. I would much rather have the deliciousness I am accustomed to with my lover, than the 'domestic bliss' that others seek with their partner. I don't want to have conversations with my beloved about whose turn it is to take out the garbage. My kid and I are fine having that fight, among others. What I want is to be fed, adored, satisfied and loved. I have that. And I have no desire to upgrade our experience to "Can you pass the remote?" I'd much rather spend the day in bed making sweet love and forgetting about all the things I need to do when I get home.
Skype
I've only used Skype for one reason: to watch a man strip for me. I highly recommend this practice.
Sexting
Best. Thing. Ever. And what a treat while you're waiting in line at the grocery store;)
Love
What's to say, really? Love rocks.
Over the years readers and friends have asked me why I don't write more on the topic of relationships. Considering the fact that this is the subject I spend most of my time reading and talking about, I wonder the same thing. I mean, most of my texts, emails and phone calls center around love, boys, girls, relationships, sex, etc., so you'd think it would be what I would write about primarily. But no. Maybe it's because I use up all the words on my close inner circle and my journal, so it just doesn't make its way into a note or blog. Who knows. But today I'm going to share my thoughts on a few subjects that I have toyed or struggled with over the years. And maybe you'll relate. Or maybe you'll just think I'm crazy. But hopefully it will spark some thought for discussion.
Please note that I am simply going to write my first thoughts on each. Therefore, some will probably be longer than others, most will not include full sentences, and keep in mind that numerous books have been written on each so it's not like I can cover everything that has ever crossed my mind on these subjects. These are just the basics of things I have been intrigued by. This is also meant for adults; not kids, and it is written with the assumption that you are taking care to protect yourself sexually, that you only do things that feel right for you, and that you are with a partner who respects you. If these things are not the case, there is a problem, and I suggest you take a look at that before anything else.
Here we go:
Monogamy
Not for everyone, that's for sure. It works when both people value it. It can create a feeling of security within the relationship when both honour it. I think it is a beautiful gift and expression of love between two people who agree and want to live within this paradigm. It is not a cure for jealousy. It is socially accepted and expected in our culture but one look at real people in real relationships and you will find a slew of infidelity within the context of monogamy. It is limiting for certain folks who might want to consider the next topic.
Polyamory
My preferred style of relating because I like to be free to explore whomever I feel drawn to and I value my freedom and independence more than the average person. Open relationships work best when all parties are completely honest about things. It's not polyamory when your partner doesn't know you're fucking someone else. That's cheating. It's deceit. It's disprectful. And it is the reason why I have had so few lovers despite my open nature. I need others to be on the same page and secrecy just doesn't fly with me, and the only man I have found who is as truthful, open and respectful as I am, is the one I am currently with.
Women
I absolutely adore women on so many levels. I feel a kinship with them, naturally, and I celebrate their beauty, intelligence, sensuality and intuition as frequently as I celebrate my own. I feel like I live every man's dream because I get to basically kiss and touch whatever beautiful lady I feel drawn to and don't have the barrier that comes along with being a man. A man is not as free to grope without being deemed a pervert, creep, etc. Most females do not like unwanted sexual attention from a random guy, whereas they often welcome some sexiness from a fellow female. I'm not saying this is fair, I'm just saying that this makes me pretty damn lucky:) Also, I have yet to be with a man who is threatened by me being with another female in any capacity. Men quite enjoy the thought.
Abstinence
A great thing worth exploring as it can deepen your relatonship with yourself and help you to remain focused on your own life and goals. A necessary choice at times when love has left you raw and broken and you need time to recover. The best way to avoid pregnancy and STD's, or the unfortunate result of not having someone to shag for whatever reason. It is not the solution however, to avoid getting close or being hurt in relationships or to express one's anger at a mate. That is a fear-based choice that will not serve you in the long run because we are not meant to guard ourselves from love and everyone around us. On a personal note, I have been abstinent more years than not because I'm pretty picky about who I'm willing to share myself with sexually. During those times I did not percieve it as a negative thing. More often than not it was chosen and I was just as content on my own as I was when a lover was in my world. Self love can go a long way.
Self Love
Code phrase for you know what. Ideally you should know yourself, your body, and what pleases you better than any other. You are your fulltime partner, lover, and friend, so don't neglect yourself with the false belief that someone else should be providing all things to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and for gettng your own needs met.
Sex Toys
Surprisingly enough, I have never used them. I like the real deal. Give me a great man with a hard cock and I'm good to go. That being said, I'm not against them, nor do I feel uncomfortable about the role they serve. I just have yet to explore this area.
Threesomes
Even the word makes me giggle. Threesomes are especially fun when you are not too attached to the hotties you're shagging. But I imagine a threesome involving someone you love can open the door to some unsettling feelings, so I would not recommend it unless you and your primary partner have already built a solid foundation of trust, open communication and emtional safety. Dealing with the feelings and insecurites that may surface requires a committment on both sides to make sure there is space to explore them. Also, threesomes may work best when you are just starting out with a partner, before feelings have had a chance to deepen. One more point: men typically fantasize about being with 2 women. I get it. We're hot. But if I were to consider giving that gift to a man, I think it's fair for me to ask for the same from him. Meaning, he gets what he wants after I get what I want, which would be him and another man of my choosing. Not surprisingly, most men will say no to this. They either don't want to see a naked man, period, or that naked man shagging his lady, or his lady enjoying her time with this yummy second. Most men feel threatened by these things, yet don't think twice about their own request for an additional lady in the bedroom. He wants two women for the purpose of his own pleasure, yet gets his knickers twisted if his woman would like to double her own pleasure as well. Interesting. Something to think about and maybe challenge the next time your man brings it up. I know I am not your average woman, but I know I am not the only woman with a hearty sexual appetite, and I am certainly not one to starve myself, nor am I one to offer a feast to a man who would not offer me the same.
Faking It
This is something I will never understand. If I was not enjoying what was happening with a partner I would sure as hell point him in the right direction instead of going along with whatever he was doing that wasn't working. I actually enjoy feeling good so what purpose does it serve to be silent when that isn't happening? Much better to tell the bloke what's what so we can both have a good time.
Impromptu Orgies
Fun when you are drunk in NYC. Totally worth losing your cell phone for.
Soulmates
I have read more on this subject than any other, I'm sure. Fascinating topic. Personally, I consider us all soulmates because we are all connected at the deepest level whether we are aware of it or not. I could write for years on this but won't.
The One
I have mixed feelings on this. I do believe that certain people match us better energetically than others, and so we radiate on a higher frequency with them than we do with others. All of us resonate with certain people, and when we feel especially connected or 'matched', we feel like we have found the one. But here's my beef: I was energetically matched at the time to every partner I have ever had (or we would not have been together), and I'm sure there were times I felt like each one was 'the one' for whatever reason, but we grew, we changed, we learned our lessons and that energetic charge dissolved and resurfaced with the next teacher/lover/partner which indicated I was ready for the next stage of growth. Therefore, this repeated experience shows me that even though I am currently with a man who is a match for me at this stage of my life, it doesn't mean we will be matched in a month, or a year or 10 years. My deep and beautiful experience with this man will only continue as long as it's meant to. For now he is the only one who has my heart, but no one can control how two people grow and develop, both together and apart, so we simply stay current with one another and keep the lines of communication open.
Open Communication
The base of any solid relationship. I need it like I need air. I hate wondering what is going on. I like things to be transparent so that I have the opportunity to choose what to do with whatever information I am presented with. I feel like I can handle anything if I am told the truth. But I know I cannot handle not knowing something. ALL unspoken truths are felt on a certain level, and this is often the reason why a partner begins to act a little crazy. I know I can act nutty when I feel like something is going on that he/she is not verbalizing, and it is important for both partners to have the courage to be honest with one another. It may not be easy, but half truths are even harder to maintain. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Share your feelings, and expect them to be honoured. If you are not free to share your innermost self with your partner without being invalidated, ignored, minimized, ridiculed, or punished in some way, then why the hell are you with that person? You deserve a helluva lot better than that, my love.
Twin Souls/Twin Flames
This concept is the bane of my existence as it is the holy grail of relationships and is the only thing I want and have yet to achieve. It is rare, but inevitable for all of us, even if it takes countless lifetimes, and it is the end result of your soul's work. It is the perfect and divine union with your other half, your twin flame, the one who completes you. Not in the codependent sense, but in a returning home sense. With this person you are free to soar the heights because you both have completed your respective tasks in previous relationships and you are now finally free and ready for the kind of love experience that others only dream about. I personally only know one couple who shares this beautiful gift; Jack & Annie, and I interviewed them last year about their twin soul relationship. They are my heroes, my role models and proof that what I crave actually does exist. When I describe them to others, most are quick to discount it based on their limited perceptions of what a relationship is like. The prevailing beliefs that relationships take work, require sacrifice and compromise, and have a honeymoon phase that inevitably fades out over time, absolutely DO NOT apply a twin soul partnership. With your twin flame, it is effortless. Always. The love only grows deeper over time. Both people are enhanced by the connection, not diminished by it, and this never changes. These are the ones who will be together for life, without question, because they have returned home through one another. They cannot be separated in any way. They cannot be apart because they are one. They share a love and exude a vibrancy that gives life and hope to everyone they come into contact with. They truly only have eyes for one another and they are in each other's every thought, word, and deed. It is said that one's current relationship can be transformed into a twin soul partnership if and when both people are ready and completely available for this life-changing experience. Anything is possible. It's all about timing, readiness, and magic:)
Marriage
GAH!!! I have never been married so maybe I shouldn't even be saying a thing, but marriage has never appealed to me for a number of reasons so in case you feel the same, it might be nice to know you're not alone. Yes I know there are a ton of happily married couples out there and I'm not about to knock them. To each his own and if it works work you, awesome. But this is my note and I have seen more crappy marriages than good ones so here are my thoughts on it (specifically for those who are with someone who is less than their ideal): 1. A piece of paper means nothing and will not bind two people who are not meant to be bound. 2. If you're going to do it, make sure he/she is worth it and while you're at it, plan for the divorce. 3. Staying together in a loveless relationship with someone you've since outgrown just because of this damned and dying institution is absolutely insane. 4. Marriage does not equal happiness so if your relationship wasn't solid before you walked down the aisle, why do you assume that a ring around your finger will make all your problems disappear? That's about as smart as thinking that having a baby with some jackass will make him less of a jackass once all three of you can't sleep though the night. Right. I'm sure I sound cynical, but it's only because I am. There's just something absurd about people investing more time, thought and energy into their big day than they do into their partnership, which I have witnessed and makes me shake my head. Of course I am not talking about everyone here. I have friends who are happily married and I know it is a gift they treasure. So I'm not even sure what my point is other than the fact that marriage isn't always a great idea. Yes there are couples who last and stay matched for many years or for life, but I would guess that most don't, or even if they do choose to stay together, it's not necessarily for the best reasons or they are not entirely happy with this set up and are ashamed to admit it. Also, divorce sucks ass and along with that ordeal there's the kids to think about and share, and payments and lawyers and therapy and I should just shut up. In my opinion, what matters between two people is what they share behind closed doors. Period. It's the quality of the connection that determines all things. If the relationship is on the rocks, nothing external will fix it. And if the relationship is solid, the externals will only enhance it. There, that's what I was trying to say through all those words. P.S. I would 'marry' my twin soul fo shizzle. There would be no minister, no legal paperwork and no stupid DJ, but there would definitely be love, beauty and sacred moments between myself and my beloved and a celebration to remember with all our wonderful guests. Just like one celebrates a birthday, I would celebrate 'our' day, as a way to mark this new chapter of togetherness. Which, I suppose, is why people are drawn to the tradition of marriage. But for those who look to it as a means to feel secure, to 'keep' another, to ensure stability (whatever that means), well, I just don't get it.
Cohabitation
As with marriage, I've never desired it. I mean, I don't even like living with my kid most of the time and we are both counting down the years until she moves out. My cats are the exception. I do love living with them because they don't talk back. Another exception would be my twin soul. I would live with him I'm sure. But for a regular love relationship, no thanks. I love having my own space. I love going to spend the night at my lover's home and returning to my own home the next day. I like each visit feeling like a sexy date because we have prepared for the other's arrival, and I honestly don't dream of the day to day with the same person. I would much rather have the deliciousness I am accustomed to with my lover, than the 'domestic bliss' that others seek with their partner. I don't want to have conversations with my beloved about whose turn it is to take out the garbage. My kid and I are fine having that fight, among others. What I want is to be fed, adored, satisfied and loved. I have that. And I have no desire to upgrade our experience to "Can you pass the remote?" I'd much rather spend the day in bed making sweet love and forgetting about all the things I need to do when I get home.
Skype
I've only used Skype for one reason: to watch a man strip for me. I highly recommend this practice.
Sexting
Best. Thing. Ever. And what a treat while you're waiting in line at the grocery store;)
Love
What's to say, really? Love rocks.
Zeitgeist: Worth Pondering
Zeitgeist (German pronunciation: [ˈtsaɪtɡaɪst] ( listen)) is "the spirit of the times" or "the spirit of the age." [1] Zeitgeist is the general cultural, intellectual, ethical, spiritual, and/or political climate within a nation or even specific groups, along with the general ambiance, morals, sociocultural direction, and mood associated with an era.
Tonight I watched the movie, Zeitgeist. I found it thought-provoking, uncomfortable and utterly amazing because I have always been fascinated by the subjects of religion, money, power...how humans use them, as well as their motivation behind them. I'm not typically into conspiracy theories, but I am pretty open to most information, if only to understand our crazy world more fully. You don't need to agree with what's presented in this film to benefit from it. There are a ton of wonderful insights that I think would resonate with most people.
Here are some passages from Zeitgeist that stuck out for me:
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They must find it difficult...those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than truth as the authority. -G.Massey
Christianity, along with all other related theologies, is an historical fraud. These religions now serve to detach the species from the natural world, and likewise, from each other. -Zeitgeist
The last thing the power establishment wants is a conscious, informed public, capable of critical thinking. It is in their interest to keep you in a distracted, naive bubble, and they are doing a damn good job of it. -Peter Joseph
The bottom line is that the government is getting what they have ordered. They do not want your children to be educated. They do not want you to think too much. That is why our country and our world has become so proliferated with entertainments, mass media, television shows, amusement parks, drugs, alcohol, and every kind of entertainment to keep the human mind entertained so that they don't get in the way of important people by doing too much thinking. -Jordan Maxwell
Religion can never reform mankind because religion is slavery. -Robert G. Ingersoll
Banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. The bankers own the earth. If you wish to remain the slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create money. -Sir Josiah Stamp
The religious institutions in this world are the same people who gave you your government, your corrupt education, who set up your international banking cartels. We have been misled away from the true and divine presence in the universe that men have called God. I don't know what God is but I know what God isn't. And unless and until you are prepared to look at the whole truth, wherever it may go, whoever it may lead to...the more you educate yourself, the more you understand, the place things come from, the more obvious things become. And you begin to see lies everywhere. You have to know the truth, and seek the truth, and the truth will set you free. -Jordan Maxwell
Divide and conquer is the motto, and as long as people continue to see themselves as separate from everything else, they lend themselves to being completely enslaved. However, if the people ever realize the truth of their relationship to nature, and the truth of their personal power to affect change, the entire manufactured Zeitgeist that's preyed upon, would collapse like a house of cards. -Peter Joseph
An evil exists that threatens every man, woman and child of this great nation. We must take steps to ensure our domestic security and protect our homeland. -Adolf Hilter
Religion, patriotism, race, wealth, class and every other form of arbitrary separatist identification, thus conceit, has served to create a controlled population, utterly malleable in the hands of the few. -Peter Joseph
Whoever controls the volume of money in any country is absolute master of all industry and commerce. -James A. Garfield (20th President of the United States)
And since the banking system has a monopoly of the production of the currency, and they loan each dollar out with an immediate debt attached to it...The end result of this system is essentially slavery for it is technically impossible for a government, and thus the public, to ever come out of the self-generated debt. -Zeitgeist
The religious myth is one of the most powerful devices ever created and it serves as the psychological soil upon which other myths can flourish. -Zeitgeist
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. -Sri Chinmoy Ghose
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And here are some cool things I found online:)
"Zeitgeist is The Da Vinci Code on steroids." -Tim Callahan (Skeptic Magazine)
"Fiction or not, Zeitgeist, The Movie threatens to become the champion of conspiracy theories of today." -Filipe Feio (Diário de NotÃcias)
"The film is an interesting object lesson on how conspiracy theories get to be so popular... It's a driven, if uneven, piece of propaganda, a marvel of tight editing and fuzzy thinking. Its on-camera sources are mostly conspiracy theorists, co-mingled with selective eyewitness accounts, drawn from archival footage and often taken out of context. It derides the media as a pawn of the International Bankers, but produces media reports for credibility when convenient. The film ignores expert opinion, except the handful of experts who agree with it. And yet, it's compelling. It shamelessly ploughs forward, connecting dots with an earnest certainty that makes you want to give it an A for effort." -Ivor Tossell (Globe and Mail)
A Letter To My Poet: Your Words Kept Me Alive
From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I can't believe you actually did this. Oh my God...
I have so much to say...but can't in one email or one night.
Keveen, I am crying...
You actually did this...
After your last email I stopped believing that anything was being written for me. Why then, I don't know. I had never doubted it before then, not once. Time meant nothing to me because I trusted your heart.
But on Monday I began to doubt you and your words...
I imagined a year from now you still saying it's on its way, and I could not bear the thought. It made me mad at you, and that night I felt like such a fool for believing that you would actually take the time to care for me in such a way...
I'm crying right now...
My heart had closed to you last night. Strange, the timing of it all. I cut off from love and it shows up in the mailbox.
I had given up on you, on my 'dream', and resolved to just leave it all behind me and move on. To not expect this 'letter' now. ‘Let it go Mandy. No need to get excited. He's not really doing it. He's leading you on.’ Which felt cruel, because you, more than anyone on this entire planet, knew how much words, especially your words, would mean to me.
And the thought that you might not deliver what was promised to my heart, felt like the deepest betrayal.
My tender, little heart was breaking, beginning to think that I was naive (yet again) and silly for believing.
But here it is. I had no reason to doubt.
As I read your lines tonight my heart reoriented itself to you. I cried. You meant it. It was on its way. I was wrong. Silly me
You sent me this, and so much! I can't stop crying Keveen...
Fuck. I really can't see the board...
When I checked the mail I wasn't even checking for a thing from you. I stopped expecting it. So when I saw it, I was in shock. I ran indoors and turned on the computer just to let you know. I said 'Fuck!' because I had planned to be done with you starting last night (believing something false) and now that would be impossible!
Ahh...the tears have subsided, I can continue.
I imagine I'll need to send a few emails over the next while as I read and re-read your heart. But for now, here's what stood out, the first time...
You mentioned an email I had sent, and how I didn't seem as passionate as I once was.
That was my whole summer. I mentioned to you briefly about a dark period. It was depression. Here I go crying again...hold on...
Keveen, I was at the lowest spot I had ever been. Contemplated ending it all, that's how bad it got. I wrote 4 emails to you during that time that I never sent because I didn't want to burden you. You are such a happy fellow.
Those emails I did not send were the most honest emails I had ever written. I cried during all of them, I had so much to express, and I felt you were the one (and only) being that understood me.
But I was so broken and vulnerable that I couldn't risk being so real, in case you didn't care. So I deleted them each time and sent some shit talk in their place. Even Paige sensed my anguish (how could she not), and suggested I email you and share my heart. She noted that you were the only one I've ever been real with. She is wise beyond her years.
I cut off from everyone, even Geraldine, and spent all my days in tears wanting to just die; to put an end to my inner hell. I doubt you have ever been depressed, but it runs in my family, and my last 'episode' was 4 years ago. Before that I was in the hospital for it. I bet that's hard for you to imagine because of how I am now.
I have done a lot of inner work and a lot of healing to enjoy the life (and general happiness) I have now. I was unhappy all my life, for good reason, and then Paige came into it and I left a royally fucked up home and created something beautiful for her and I.
During the summer, the only joy I felt was the day you emailed me that you had gotten your birthday gift, and the day I spent compiling your package, the poems etc. I was truly happy then and only then.
The only constant during my depression was my sadness and my love for you, which kept me going, so I only ever wrote lovely things to you. You were the one thing that I felt at home with, and even in my darkest hour, I felt grateful that I had experienced the exquisite pleasure of truly loving and being loved in the way I had always wanted. I had wanted it all my life. I told you that. It's true.
I don't even think I'll reread what I'm writing... might delete my truth all over again.
My head hurts and my nose is runny and stuffy.
I'll need to email again tomorrow, maybe after work. So much to say.
But here's a bit more...
So many things in your letter made me laugh so hard! And the picture!!!! I SO LOVE YOU!!! I love it! It was one of my faves on CS! LOL:):) It's so Keveen! I wouldn't want you any different.
I love that you feel understood by me. I hope that's still true. I love that you love the world like you do. You should. More people should. It's only natural.
I do understand it from the girls perspective as well though. They want you for themselves, because it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo good with you, but the rest of us need some too. There's enough Keveen to spread around, thank God!
I also see why they are angry and think you are a jerk. They don't want to understand because it hurts them. They want to be the one and only because they probably felt that way with you. I know I did as you penetrated me from behind. And as you admired my body I felt it was only me you were thinking of, and as we emailed I felt you in your entirety.
It was so comfortable and perfect with you. Every moment was heaven.
I didn't want to hold tight to the experience though, I just wanted to be present for it. And I truly enjoyed every second of your attention on me. The sweetest gift of life.
I wanted your freedom as much as my own; I felt that way right from the start.
You did not know (as I kept my pain out of our emails) that my ex had threatened my life while in a rage after you left Ontario. A possessive man to say the least, and so your entry in my life was a Godsend. You were the opposite; you were what I wanted for myself. Freedom.
It was not easy leaving him. He harassed and threatened and broke in, reading my journals even, without my permission (the highest violation). I have never shared my written inner world until I met you and Melissa, and then after that I remember offering my journals for you to read. That's how safe and honoured I felt. Well, look at all I mailed you, my god. I still regret it sometimes, seeing it as fucked and too much, but it felt so right, and I needed to do it.
And it kept me alive, literally. Sad, but beautiful. Here I am still.
When you came along I thought, 'Now here is a man that gives me life, who is gentle with my heart, who does not demand I stay with him, who wants my happiness, who speaks to me with love...who doesn't hurt me.
See now why your sweet words meant so much to me?
My ex surely offered love, in his own way I suppose, but not in the way I needed or wanted. I guess when you are so hungry for real love you'll take the nearest substitute.
And like I said before, when I met and loved you, I was no longer hungry.
And because of that, I could finally say goodbye to him for good on the day I finished compiling all our emails. He was mad that I would choose to work on my book instead of talk to him (while he was drunk) and that was it for me. Him or my lifeline? An easy choice. And so I said goodbye.
You have no idea how ready I was to finally be free, to shine and love and celebrate! I was so ready for you, and ready for me. It was so beautiful. It still is.
I'm no longer crying, I'm smiling, and I plan not to delete my words this time.
I need to go read your letter again before bed. You are just so fun! What a hilarious trip! It would be fun to unravel and read while high:)
Keveen, I love you for doing this. It was so sweet of you. I love to read your thoughts, your life, and I agree, you do feel like my brother, one I would fuck though. It is a good feeling with you. What we share(d) is/was a gift.
I've been at this computer for hours now I think, and I have to work in the morning so I must sleep. The chocolate will help me stay awake tomorrow though.
I want to email you again soon. I want to digest your letter fully and comment on it, all of it!
You're the best. Sorry I thought you were a schmuck for a few days. I don't anymore. Will you forgive me?
By the way, tonight's group was the second best experience of my life. You know the first already. We all cried a few times and the whole group signed a heartfelt card for me and it brought me to tears. They all felt my group helped to change their lives and the way they viewed themselves. It has been such a sacred experience the whole way through. My next one begins November 7th.
I wish you were here right now so I could pour all my love and happiness into your sweet soul. I would love to hold you, and kiss you from head to toe.
I am tired. It's been a big day for me. Your letter arrived on the most perfect day, Keveen.
I love you so much.
xoxoxox
P.S. The women were envious when I brought the roll to group. The girl on the train was right. Any woman would love to be so loved. You have made me a very happy woman, Keveen.
It's too bad those girls do not understand how you love. They close the door to the gift you're here to bring. Asking you to love just one person is like demanding the sun only deliver one ray of sunshine to just one spot on the earth. And the result is the same: the world would be cold and lifeless. And so, the world needs you and all your love, just as it needs the sun.
I love you so much, did I say that already?
Yours happily,
Mandy xo
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I can't believe you actually did this. Oh my God...
I have so much to say...but can't in one email or one night.
Keveen, I am crying...
You actually did this...
After your last email I stopped believing that anything was being written for me. Why then, I don't know. I had never doubted it before then, not once. Time meant nothing to me because I trusted your heart.
But on Monday I began to doubt you and your words...
I imagined a year from now you still saying it's on its way, and I could not bear the thought. It made me mad at you, and that night I felt like such a fool for believing that you would actually take the time to care for me in such a way...
I'm crying right now...
My heart had closed to you last night. Strange, the timing of it all. I cut off from love and it shows up in the mailbox.
I had given up on you, on my 'dream', and resolved to just leave it all behind me and move on. To not expect this 'letter' now. ‘Let it go Mandy. No need to get excited. He's not really doing it. He's leading you on.’ Which felt cruel, because you, more than anyone on this entire planet, knew how much words, especially your words, would mean to me.
And the thought that you might not deliver what was promised to my heart, felt like the deepest betrayal.
My tender, little heart was breaking, beginning to think that I was naive (yet again) and silly for believing.
But here it is. I had no reason to doubt.
As I read your lines tonight my heart reoriented itself to you. I cried. You meant it. It was on its way. I was wrong. Silly me
You sent me this, and so much! I can't stop crying Keveen...
Fuck. I really can't see the board...
When I checked the mail I wasn't even checking for a thing from you. I stopped expecting it. So when I saw it, I was in shock. I ran indoors and turned on the computer just to let you know. I said 'Fuck!' because I had planned to be done with you starting last night (believing something false) and now that would be impossible!
Ahh...the tears have subsided, I can continue.
I imagine I'll need to send a few emails over the next while as I read and re-read your heart. But for now, here's what stood out, the first time...
You mentioned an email I had sent, and how I didn't seem as passionate as I once was.
That was my whole summer. I mentioned to you briefly about a dark period. It was depression. Here I go crying again...hold on...
Keveen, I was at the lowest spot I had ever been. Contemplated ending it all, that's how bad it got. I wrote 4 emails to you during that time that I never sent because I didn't want to burden you. You are such a happy fellow.
Those emails I did not send were the most honest emails I had ever written. I cried during all of them, I had so much to express, and I felt you were the one (and only) being that understood me.
But I was so broken and vulnerable that I couldn't risk being so real, in case you didn't care. So I deleted them each time and sent some shit talk in their place. Even Paige sensed my anguish (how could she not), and suggested I email you and share my heart. She noted that you were the only one I've ever been real with. She is wise beyond her years.
I cut off from everyone, even Geraldine, and spent all my days in tears wanting to just die; to put an end to my inner hell. I doubt you have ever been depressed, but it runs in my family, and my last 'episode' was 4 years ago. Before that I was in the hospital for it. I bet that's hard for you to imagine because of how I am now.
I have done a lot of inner work and a lot of healing to enjoy the life (and general happiness) I have now. I was unhappy all my life, for good reason, and then Paige came into it and I left a royally fucked up home and created something beautiful for her and I.
During the summer, the only joy I felt was the day you emailed me that you had gotten your birthday gift, and the day I spent compiling your package, the poems etc. I was truly happy then and only then.
The only constant during my depression was my sadness and my love for you, which kept me going, so I only ever wrote lovely things to you. You were the one thing that I felt at home with, and even in my darkest hour, I felt grateful that I had experienced the exquisite pleasure of truly loving and being loved in the way I had always wanted. I had wanted it all my life. I told you that. It's true.
I don't even think I'll reread what I'm writing... might delete my truth all over again.
My head hurts and my nose is runny and stuffy.
I'll need to email again tomorrow, maybe after work. So much to say.
But here's a bit more...
So many things in your letter made me laugh so hard! And the picture!!!! I SO LOVE YOU!!! I love it! It was one of my faves on CS! LOL:):) It's so Keveen! I wouldn't want you any different.
I love that you feel understood by me. I hope that's still true. I love that you love the world like you do. You should. More people should. It's only natural.
I do understand it from the girls perspective as well though. They want you for themselves, because it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo good with you, but the rest of us need some too. There's enough Keveen to spread around, thank God!
I also see why they are angry and think you are a jerk. They don't want to understand because it hurts them. They want to be the one and only because they probably felt that way with you. I know I did as you penetrated me from behind. And as you admired my body I felt it was only me you were thinking of, and as we emailed I felt you in your entirety.
It was so comfortable and perfect with you. Every moment was heaven.
I didn't want to hold tight to the experience though, I just wanted to be present for it. And I truly enjoyed every second of your attention on me. The sweetest gift of life.
I wanted your freedom as much as my own; I felt that way right from the start.
You did not know (as I kept my pain out of our emails) that my ex had threatened my life while in a rage after you left Ontario. A possessive man to say the least, and so your entry in my life was a Godsend. You were the opposite; you were what I wanted for myself. Freedom.
It was not easy leaving him. He harassed and threatened and broke in, reading my journals even, without my permission (the highest violation). I have never shared my written inner world until I met you and Melissa, and then after that I remember offering my journals for you to read. That's how safe and honoured I felt. Well, look at all I mailed you, my god. I still regret it sometimes, seeing it as fucked and too much, but it felt so right, and I needed to do it.
And it kept me alive, literally. Sad, but beautiful. Here I am still.
When you came along I thought, 'Now here is a man that gives me life, who is gentle with my heart, who does not demand I stay with him, who wants my happiness, who speaks to me with love...who doesn't hurt me.
See now why your sweet words meant so much to me?
My ex surely offered love, in his own way I suppose, but not in the way I needed or wanted. I guess when you are so hungry for real love you'll take the nearest substitute.
And like I said before, when I met and loved you, I was no longer hungry.
And because of that, I could finally say goodbye to him for good on the day I finished compiling all our emails. He was mad that I would choose to work on my book instead of talk to him (while he was drunk) and that was it for me. Him or my lifeline? An easy choice. And so I said goodbye.
You have no idea how ready I was to finally be free, to shine and love and celebrate! I was so ready for you, and ready for me. It was so beautiful. It still is.
I'm no longer crying, I'm smiling, and I plan not to delete my words this time.
I need to go read your letter again before bed. You are just so fun! What a hilarious trip! It would be fun to unravel and read while high:)
Keveen, I love you for doing this. It was so sweet of you. I love to read your thoughts, your life, and I agree, you do feel like my brother, one I would fuck though. It is a good feeling with you. What we share(d) is/was a gift.
I've been at this computer for hours now I think, and I have to work in the morning so I must sleep. The chocolate will help me stay awake tomorrow though.
I want to email you again soon. I want to digest your letter fully and comment on it, all of it!
You're the best. Sorry I thought you were a schmuck for a few days. I don't anymore. Will you forgive me?
By the way, tonight's group was the second best experience of my life. You know the first already. We all cried a few times and the whole group signed a heartfelt card for me and it brought me to tears. They all felt my group helped to change their lives and the way they viewed themselves. It has been such a sacred experience the whole way through. My next one begins November 7th.
I wish you were here right now so I could pour all my love and happiness into your sweet soul. I would love to hold you, and kiss you from head to toe.
I am tired. It's been a big day for me. Your letter arrived on the most perfect day, Keveen.
I love you so much.
xoxoxox
P.S. The women were envious when I brought the roll to group. The girl on the train was right. Any woman would love to be so loved. You have made me a very happy woman, Keveen.
It's too bad those girls do not understand how you love. They close the door to the gift you're here to bring. Asking you to love just one person is like demanding the sun only deliver one ray of sunshine to just one spot on the earth. And the result is the same: the world would be cold and lifeless. And so, the world needs you and all your love, just as it needs the sun.
I love you so much, did I say that already?
Yours happily,
Mandy xo
A Letter To My Poet: Still The Happiest Woman in Cambridge
From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Lovely you,
When I read your message yesterday morning, I left for the day with a smile and spent it in a bubble of love.
To see me, one would have assumed I had just been made love to. Without being touched, I walk around with bedroom eyes. I am moved and touched by all of life.
Living is such an erotic experience for me so much of the time. Even more so when it involves you.
My friend Sonia said it must be nice to be in my heaven. She observed me with amusement as I smiled and thought of you. Wait, was it even thinking? No, it was more like feeling. The feeling of being enveloped by love itself. Yes, that's what it was.
While we were out she took me to a thrift shop and I came across the Amelie CD. My heart stopped and I absorbed this joy for a few moments before buying it for $1.99. What a gift.
In the evening I played it and I wept when I heard the first track, as it brought me back to our ride to Ottawa. Paige was so happy to hear it as well, as she had loved it when she first heard it in the car and had been asking me to get it ever since.
The simplest things are indeed the most beautiful. I have the CD playing right now as I type.
I don't want to have my words of love for you arrive after your birthday so I will most likely be sending them soon. It would mean a lot to me that they are delivered to your mailbox in time for your special day.
With all my love,
The butterfly you helped set free,
Mandy
(Still the happiest woman in Cambridge)
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Lovely you,
When I read your message yesterday morning, I left for the day with a smile and spent it in a bubble of love.
To see me, one would have assumed I had just been made love to. Without being touched, I walk around with bedroom eyes. I am moved and touched by all of life.
Living is such an erotic experience for me so much of the time. Even more so when it involves you.
My friend Sonia said it must be nice to be in my heaven. She observed me with amusement as I smiled and thought of you. Wait, was it even thinking? No, it was more like feeling. The feeling of being enveloped by love itself. Yes, that's what it was.
While we were out she took me to a thrift shop and I came across the Amelie CD. My heart stopped and I absorbed this joy for a few moments before buying it for $1.99. What a gift.
In the evening I played it and I wept when I heard the first track, as it brought me back to our ride to Ottawa. Paige was so happy to hear it as well, as she had loved it when she first heard it in the car and had been asking me to get it ever since.
The simplest things are indeed the most beautiful. I have the CD playing right now as I type.
I don't want to have my words of love for you arrive after your birthday so I will most likely be sending them soon. It would mean a lot to me that they are delivered to your mailbox in time for your special day.
With all my love,
The butterfly you helped set free,
Mandy
(Still the happiest woman in Cambridge)
A Letter To My Poet: Maybe You Were Just Being A Poet
From: Mandy Richardson
To: Mandy Richardson
Date: Monday, June 11, 2007
My dear Keveen,
About our last email, well, it was not me and I need to correct myself.
I am certain that the email didn't even phase you, but for my own peace of mind, I need to address it.
I know we play with words often, it's what we do, and I'm sure you didn't actually expect nudes of me, but although I played along, I wished I hadn't. Though I felt flattered and happy that you wanted to see me bare for your own pleasure, I soon felt badly about it.
The truth is, I would never take the kinds of photos you might have been suggesting or that I was implying that I would send. I was playing along but wished I had just been real, as I am in every email to you.
Images of my body like that, well, they are not for others, maybe one special someone, but he or she would have to be my life partner whom I could trust with all things, and I don't know that the man or woman I end up with would even desire such a thing from me.
I am being photographed nude on Wednesday, but only from behind, for the book cover, as Eshwin and I are trying something different and his initial paintings of me nude are based on a photo of me clothed.
I am much, much more modest than I appear.
When we flirt sexually online, it is only because I have felt safe, respected, cared for and honoured, and because I care for you and you have continued to mean a lot to me, as well as being the last one to have captured my heart.
I would never speak like that to anyone else.
I could also never send nude photos to a man who has no desire for me beyond our occasional correlations. That would only cheapen me, and our experience. So I am sorry that I said what I did. It wasn't me. It wasn't the truth.
I have given it all to you and only you, not that you asked for this, or even earned it, it's just how it ended up.
When I love I give complete freedom because that is what I treasure, and I give my heart and thoughts generously until I am given reason not to. This is a gift and a curse I think.
You may have noticed that I ask very little of you, apart from things relating to the book, because I let people be who they are, and to give as they would like (or not) just as I do.
I am gathering that for you as a poet, it is natural to embellish your words and you can throw out many beautiful and seductive lines without a thought. It's just the way you play.
But for me, all of my lines have been true, and only for you, straight from my heart. And it's not that I had expected as much from you, it was not yours to give. But that does make me the fool because I have always read your words as if I had been writing them myself, believing them all on some level. How else would I have been moved to tears like that?
I know I can be naive, like a child, it's true...
Because I felt so much love in your lines, it did not matter to me then what you shared with others. But maybe I saw only what I wanted to see. Maybe it was my own love that I felt. Maybe your lines were not as personal as I had thought.
Maybe you were just being a poet.
I'm sure you share all your sweet lines with many beautiful women; the ones who capture your attention for a while. And why wouldn't you? It's your gift to give to the world and it is beautiful.
But I do not share my body and intimate words with others as freely as you do, Keveen. I reserve all of me for those worthy of all that I am. And when there are none, I am just as content.
This is how we are different, that is all. It is not a problem, just a fact.
I do love the way you are and I think the world needs more Keveens to spread the love and sweet words. You are such a gift to everyone you meet, and have been such a gift to me especially.
I really don't know how this email will be received by you, if it is offensive or petty to you, but if I am taking the time to write all of this, it must have been very important to me.
Sometimes it is not easy to be real; especially with those you love, because you risk disappointing them, making them angry, or in my case, you risk never receiving another email.
I do hope this will not be the case.
With love,
The one who has loved you with all that was in her heart without regret, even if it was a foolish thing to do,
Mandy
To: Mandy Richardson
Date: Monday, June 11, 2007
My dear Keveen,
About our last email, well, it was not me and I need to correct myself.
I am certain that the email didn't even phase you, but for my own peace of mind, I need to address it.
I know we play with words often, it's what we do, and I'm sure you didn't actually expect nudes of me, but although I played along, I wished I hadn't. Though I felt flattered and happy that you wanted to see me bare for your own pleasure, I soon felt badly about it.
The truth is, I would never take the kinds of photos you might have been suggesting or that I was implying that I would send. I was playing along but wished I had just been real, as I am in every email to you.
Images of my body like that, well, they are not for others, maybe one special someone, but he or she would have to be my life partner whom I could trust with all things, and I don't know that the man or woman I end up with would even desire such a thing from me.
I am being photographed nude on Wednesday, but only from behind, for the book cover, as Eshwin and I are trying something different and his initial paintings of me nude are based on a photo of me clothed.
I am much, much more modest than I appear.
When we flirt sexually online, it is only because I have felt safe, respected, cared for and honoured, and because I care for you and you have continued to mean a lot to me, as well as being the last one to have captured my heart.
I would never speak like that to anyone else.
I could also never send nude photos to a man who has no desire for me beyond our occasional correlations. That would only cheapen me, and our experience. So I am sorry that I said what I did. It wasn't me. It wasn't the truth.
I have given it all to you and only you, not that you asked for this, or even earned it, it's just how it ended up.
When I love I give complete freedom because that is what I treasure, and I give my heart and thoughts generously until I am given reason not to. This is a gift and a curse I think.
You may have noticed that I ask very little of you, apart from things relating to the book, because I let people be who they are, and to give as they would like (or not) just as I do.
I am gathering that for you as a poet, it is natural to embellish your words and you can throw out many beautiful and seductive lines without a thought. It's just the way you play.
But for me, all of my lines have been true, and only for you, straight from my heart. And it's not that I had expected as much from you, it was not yours to give. But that does make me the fool because I have always read your words as if I had been writing them myself, believing them all on some level. How else would I have been moved to tears like that?
I know I can be naive, like a child, it's true...
Because I felt so much love in your lines, it did not matter to me then what you shared with others. But maybe I saw only what I wanted to see. Maybe it was my own love that I felt. Maybe your lines were not as personal as I had thought.
Maybe you were just being a poet.
I'm sure you share all your sweet lines with many beautiful women; the ones who capture your attention for a while. And why wouldn't you? It's your gift to give to the world and it is beautiful.
But I do not share my body and intimate words with others as freely as you do, Keveen. I reserve all of me for those worthy of all that I am. And when there are none, I am just as content.
This is how we are different, that is all. It is not a problem, just a fact.
I do love the way you are and I think the world needs more Keveens to spread the love and sweet words. You are such a gift to everyone you meet, and have been such a gift to me especially.
I really don't know how this email will be received by you, if it is offensive or petty to you, but if I am taking the time to write all of this, it must have been very important to me.
Sometimes it is not easy to be real; especially with those you love, because you risk disappointing them, making them angry, or in my case, you risk never receiving another email.
I do hope this will not be the case.
With love,
The one who has loved you with all that was in her heart without regret, even if it was a foolish thing to do,
Mandy
A Letter To My Poet: With Love And Tears Still
From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dearest you,
Until this moment I did not realize how much I have missed your emails. Such a simple thing, but my eyes are blurry from tears yet again.
I love hearing from you, always. The shortest line moves straight to my heart.
Thank you for the address, love.
Keveen, ahh…here I am tearing up again. Your presence continues to move me, beyond your words even.
Your essence is like a balm for my soul.
The weeks pass and so much happens in my world, and yet, my genuine love for you seems only to deepen. Strange to me...that I am brought to tears, even in this moment, because we are connected.
Beyond space and time, beyond anything physical, my heart is still devoted to you somehow. I hope you don't mind that I continue to praise and worship you, in my journal, to others, to you.
I am surprised by this; that what we shared has impacted me so much that my days continue to be infused by it. Even more surprising is that I admit this to you. I cannot help it and I wonder how long it will go on for. How does it make sense? That still, almost 3 months after having met you, and having only seen you 3 times, I still feel so close to you.
I keep sending words of love to a man who loves all others, who cannot be touched, but touches many, who falls in love on a regular basis while I stay centered and focused on one.
I do hope you do not misread my words. And I hope I do not appear like a fool to you.
Just like from the start, I do not desire you in a typical sense. I know I am not the one; just one of many. Just like you are not the one, but one of the few for me.
All I want is what we share. All I want is our happiness and freedom, in whatever form.
My life is rich and full and wonderful, and having you be part of it makes it that much richer.
If ever I get to be too much, or my expressions are no longer welcome, please let me know. I do not want to deliver something unwanted.
Till then, expect to share the center of my world with me. Expect to be loved beautifully from afar and expect a little mermaid if ever I were to see you again.
You have meant so much to me, Keveen.
Take care my love, and continue to enjoy all that is around you, all the beauties that you see, all the life that you live.
You are in my heart, my journal, and even my body lately when I am fantasizing about you, which has been happening quite often. Each time I call out your name, each time it is the same scenario, each time I feel reconnected to you and the joy we shared.
With love and tears still,
This is just crazy,
The woman who loves you beyond all things,
Mandy xoxoxo
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dearest you,
Until this moment I did not realize how much I have missed your emails. Such a simple thing, but my eyes are blurry from tears yet again.
I love hearing from you, always. The shortest line moves straight to my heart.
Thank you for the address, love.
Keveen, ahh…here I am tearing up again. Your presence continues to move me, beyond your words even.
Your essence is like a balm for my soul.
The weeks pass and so much happens in my world, and yet, my genuine love for you seems only to deepen. Strange to me...that I am brought to tears, even in this moment, because we are connected.
Beyond space and time, beyond anything physical, my heart is still devoted to you somehow. I hope you don't mind that I continue to praise and worship you, in my journal, to others, to you.
I am surprised by this; that what we shared has impacted me so much that my days continue to be infused by it. Even more surprising is that I admit this to you. I cannot help it and I wonder how long it will go on for. How does it make sense? That still, almost 3 months after having met you, and having only seen you 3 times, I still feel so close to you.
I keep sending words of love to a man who loves all others, who cannot be touched, but touches many, who falls in love on a regular basis while I stay centered and focused on one.
I do hope you do not misread my words. And I hope I do not appear like a fool to you.
Just like from the start, I do not desire you in a typical sense. I know I am not the one; just one of many. Just like you are not the one, but one of the few for me.
All I want is what we share. All I want is our happiness and freedom, in whatever form.
My life is rich and full and wonderful, and having you be part of it makes it that much richer.
If ever I get to be too much, or my expressions are no longer welcome, please let me know. I do not want to deliver something unwanted.
Till then, expect to share the center of my world with me. Expect to be loved beautifully from afar and expect a little mermaid if ever I were to see you again.
You have meant so much to me, Keveen.
Take care my love, and continue to enjoy all that is around you, all the beauties that you see, all the life that you live.
You are in my heart, my journal, and even my body lately when I am fantasizing about you, which has been happening quite often. Each time I call out your name, each time it is the same scenario, each time I feel reconnected to you and the joy we shared.
With love and tears still,
This is just crazy,
The woman who loves you beyond all things,
Mandy xoxoxo
The Poet & The Butterfly: What Comes After
From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Sunday, February 24, 2008, 4:48pm
Dear you,
Thank you for correcting the passage so quickly xo
And now a story...
After calling every place I could think of, the 6th shop had your scent. I got off the phone and made my way to the mall, to a very small shop called Couture Parfums. She had been expecting me and had the various sized boxes ready for me when I got there. I asked for a sample right away and she sprayed a tester onto a perfume stick.
I smelled it and gave it back. 'That's not it' I said. I felt my heart break.
I looked at the boxes in front of me-all men's, and I asked if she was certain she had used the correct bottle. Turns out she had offered me the women's version of it.
She returned with a new perfume stick and I brought it up towards my face and gently inhaled.
Tears welled up in my eyes and then ran down my face. The clerk gave me a tissue asking me if it reminded me of someone I knew...
I told her the story of you and I and she ignored other customers to hear it. She was touched by my expression and asked my name and the name of the book. She also took a picture of me holding the box that contains the scent of my beloved.
I walked around the mall, repeatedly smelling my wrist, where I had dabbed a drop of you, and the tears would not stop flowing.
They still haven't.
I had to leave the mall because I looked like a fool, smelling my arm and wiping my tears. I did not take the bus home because I knew my sobs would echo inside, and I needed to be alone. So I walked a very long walk, crying the whole way, saying 'It's you', 'You're here', as I smelled my wrist.
Then I stopped by the library to rent Amelie, needing to enter fully, once again, into all of the symbols that lead me to you. With the movie in my hand and the essence of you on my wrist, the librarian asked me when my next book is coming out.
I began to cry.
What a day.
I had my journal with me while I was out today because I knew I would need it. I was already tearing up when I approached the store, so I knew once I actually smelled you again I would lose it. And I did. On the way home I wrote as I walked.
Words to you, words to me. I wonder if there's any difference now.
And as I cried and spoke to you and spoke to God, I wondered if I am destined to live merely with the scent and the memory of the man I adored. Is it not some cruel fate that I should be given a glimpse of heaven and not be able to return to it but through words we had written in the dark?
I know not how to get you out of my system, or why after giving you all of me I have yet to fully penetrate yours. I curse God and not you however, for the depth of the soul who cannot help but pour herself into your beautiful vase.
I feel right back where I started, fully reentering a time that is no longer, but somehow feels brand new.
I am crying each day, some days two or three times, feeling so touched, so alive, so in love with the experience of living.
But in my journal I keep writing 'what comes after?'
I wonder what on earth could follow the best time of my life. How could anything compare? What could top the highest point?
My friends suggest the topper would be a man living in Canada, just for starters:) But I don't believe they understand.
I'm not wondering about a relationship or a man.
I'm wanting to know what could possibly top the experience of my soul's recognition during the time of you; the experience of finally finding the place where I belong.
When I met and fell in love with you, I felt I had returned home, but I have since felt homeless.
This is my dilemma. I had it all. I soared the heights with and through you. And I fear I am destined for mediocricy somehow, because since that time only one thing has truly marked me in a similar way, and that was the graduation of my first Diva class, and your letter only added to the perfection of that night.
So what am I to do? Pray for another miracle like you? Just be grateful that I was able to fully experience something others only dream about?
But there are many more years to live and create, and I can't spend them all knowing what I knew with you, without having a way to keep that knowing close. So until I figure out a better way, Jaipur and Amelie will help me remember the love I once knew; when all was perfect and pure. When my soul grew alive and my life turned brand new.
Keveen, I am certain I will wear your scent each day because for me it is the scent of life and love, of my soul and your words. And to have a daily reminder of the time when all was perfect and magical, is to be reminded of how to live.
I wish I could envelope you forever, in my coat of love. I wish you could feel for me what I have felt for you because it would change everything in your world. But I doubt you need an awakening like I needed when you came along; for you already know how to live.
'He touches all things, and brings them to life', was what I wrote of you 2 days ago...
Yours forever and always, without knowing why,
Love
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The above email was written to Keveen almost a full year after we had embarked upon the adventure of a lifetime, which became the non-fiction soul story, The Poet & The Butterfly: An Intimate Dialogue.
The above picture was taken by the clerk at the perfume shop the day this email was written, after I had cried and shared the story of us.
Thank you for reading our hearts,
Mandy Richardson
www.herhappyhighness.blogspot.com
www.thepoetandthebutterfly.blogspot.com
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GODS & DIVAS
For those who value what's real.
