(Written September 7, 2010)
After an incredible, reflective, productive and life-transforming long weekend, I feel more than ready for the next Mandyland chapter, which (over the past few days) I solidified in my mind, recorded on paper and visually created on a gorgeous collage that now hangs in my living room. I feel focused, clear, confident, and in line with my true power, and the sky's not even the limit. I am grateful for all that came before, including the people and situations that challenged me along the way, forcing me to expand in ways I could never have achieved otherwise.
I have been taking stock of my life up until this point, and feel a sense of pride for having gone after a number of my dreams already. I also see the many that remain, and I am excited to head in brand new directions so that I can fulfill all my soul's longings while I've got the health, energy, passion, and drive to do so.
What I thought was most interesting about my life as it is right now, is that I am, by nature, a writer.
I never wanted to be a writer growing up. What I wanted to be was God (naturally), and a dancer in videos. But here I am, writing yet another note, because that is what my soul must do.
After publishing my first book in 2006, I still didn't think of myself as a writer. And even after counting my journals a few years back (I was just past 100 at that point so who knows what I'm at now), I still didn't see myself as a writer. It was only after my second book in 2008, that I began to realize that this is what I do and I'm kinda good at it.
I suppose when something comes as naturally as breathing, it's easy to overlook or take for granted. It was hard to give any recognition to myself for the hours I put into writing each day, because my sights were set elsewhere. My efforts didn't count on some level, because it didn't take effort for me to do it. I just did it because it was impossible not to. Like a singer who needs to sing. Or an artist that needs to paint. Or a handyman that must build. You just do it because you're compelled to express yourself in that particular way.
Now, in 2010, with my own column and a blog that houses a few years worth of my writings, it's hard for me to deny the fact that writing is integral to who I am. That being said, it is only a snippet of my being. There is so much more to create, express and experience, outside of this literary realm, and my dream to dance in videos is among them.
I am a writer by nature but a dancer by heart, and my soul will not rest until its hunger is sated.
Do not ask me how. That question is irrelevant. Don't ask me when. I really don't care. The hows and whens are not my business. They belong to the universe. I concern myself only with what it is I truly want, and trust that the details will be taken care of. Anything is possible. Period. If you are not saying 'Why not?', 'Of course I can!', 'Just watch me.' about your own dreams, then you might want to give your head a shake. The world is filled with proof that dreams do come true. Just look around you. Of course that can be you.
But so many of us that feel we are not worthy of the things we most want. WE are the ones who deny ourselves more than any other. As the saying goes, the universe gives us as much as we are willing to give ourselves. If that statement is true, then what is your life saying about you? Take a look at your life, yourself, your job, your relationships. Is that what you feel you deserve? It must be, or you'd have something else.
You can have it all, you know. All that you want and more. So do you? If not, why not? LIFE is abundant and wants to give you everything your heart desires. So what would it take for you to accept your birthright? If you knew, with every fiber of your being, that you were worthy of peace, happiness and abundance in all areas, how would your life be different?
Oprah dreamed of being on stage with Tina Turner long before she (Oprah) became famous. As if she knew how to make that happen. She just wanted it to happen. And it did, years later. They even sang together and did a bit of a dance routine on stage, and for those who don't know, Oprah is not the greatest dancer, nor is singing her trademark, but there she was on stage with her idol, doing what she had always dreamed of.
As for me, I dream of being Justin Timberlake's love interest in one of his videos, and before you judge me, it's not because I am a huge JT fan (sorry if you are, not trying to knock him, he is great at what he does), it's because he is an incredible dancer, one of the best, and I deserve to work with the best. Of course there are many other artists I'd like to share the screen with, but JT has always stood out for me. So there's my confession. I have dreamed it for years, and my dream will not rest until it is made real.
I do not waste time wondering how it'll happen. The universe is amazing and will sort that out. Nor will I 'chase' this dream. There is no need to. The universe it happy to deliver it to me in the perfect way at the perfect time. My job is simply to live my life as best as I can, stay connected to my source, my dream, my happiness, and trust that I am meant to have all the things I desire.
No dream is too big. It's never too late. I'll get what's mine...JustinTimberlake.
**FYI: 12 years ago I went to an audition in Toronto for a dance company called DLM. Without any professional background in dance, I made the cut. My partner at the time was willing to care for Paige (who was still so young) and his mom was willing to lend me her car each weekend, so that I could go to the studio for choreography. The company was my direct route to dancing in videos. And guess what? I bailed. I did not go at all. Why? Because I believed I was too 'fat' and too 'old' (at 22!!) to be a dancer in videos. I did not feel like I belonged, especially because I wasn't a 'real' dancer, so these fucked up messages trumped the courage it took for me to go to the audition in the first place. It shows where my head and self-worth (or lack thereof) was at. Of course looking back now, I was not fat, nor was I too old, and not having a background in dance was even more reason to feel proud that I made it.
I'm sharing this for those who also have bullshit beliefs preventing them form doing what they most want to do. PLEASE don't do what I did. That's 12 years I could have been doing the thing I want more than anything. Obviously there is a reason for not going that route, but let me tell you, when I am back in the same position, I'm going for it, balls out. I have no bullshit beliefs stopping my forward movement anymore so bring it on.
It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not. -Unknown