(Written February 27, 2011)
Over the years readers and friends have asked me why I don't write more on the topic of relationships. Considering the fact that this is the subject I spend most of my time reading and talking about, I wonder the same thing. I mean, most of my texts, emails and phone calls center around love, boys, girls, relationships, sex, etc., so you'd think it would be what I would write about primarily. But no. Maybe it's because I use up all the words on my close inner circle and my journal, so it just doesn't make its way into a note or blog. Who knows. But today I'm going to share my thoughts on a few subjects that I have toyed or struggled with over the years. And maybe you'll relate. Or maybe you'll just think I'm crazy. But hopefully it will spark some thought for discussion.
Please note that I am simply going to write my first thoughts on each. Therefore, some will probably be longer than others, most will not include full sentences, and keep in mind that numerous books have been written on each so it's not like I can cover everything that has ever crossed my mind on these subjects. These are just the basics of things I have been intrigued by. This is also meant for adults; not kids, and it is written with the assumption that you are taking care to protect yourself sexually, that you only do things that feel right for you, and that you are with a partner who respects you. If these things are not the case, there is a problem, and I suggest you take a look at that before anything else.
Here we go:
Not for everyone, that's for sure. It works when both people value it. It can create a feeling of security within the relationship when both honour it. I think it is a beautiful gift and expression of love between two people who agree and want to live within this paradigm. It is not a cure for jealousy. It is socially accepted and expected in our culture but one look at real people in real relationships and you will find a slew of infidelity within the context of monogamy. It is limiting for certain folks who might want to consider the next topic.
My preferred style of relating because I like to be free to explore whomever I feel drawn to and I value my freedom and independence more than the average person. Open relationships work best when all parties are completely honest about things. It's not polyamory when your partner doesn't know you're fucking someone else. That's cheating. It's deceit. It's disprectful. And it is the reason why I have had so few lovers despite my open nature. I need others to be on the same page and secrecy just doesn't fly with me, and the only man I have found who is as truthful, open and respectful as I am, is the one I am currently with.
I absolutely adore women on so many levels. I feel a kinship with them, naturally, and I celebrate their beauty, intelligence, sensuality and intuition as frequently as I celebrate my own. I feel like I live every man's dream because I get to basically kiss and touch whatever beautiful lady I feel drawn to and don't have the barrier that comes along with being a man. A man is not as free to grope without being deemed a pervert, creep, etc. Most females do not like unwanted sexual attention from a random guy, whereas they often welcome some sexiness from a fellow female. I'm not saying this is fair, I'm just saying that this makes me pretty damn lucky:) Also, I have yet to be with a man who is threatened by me being with another female in any capacity. Men quite enjoy the thought.
A great thing worth exploring as it can deepen your relatonship with yourself and help you to remain focused on your own life and goals. A necessary choice at times when love has left you raw and broken and you need time to recover. The best way to avoid pregnancy and STD's, or the unfortunate result of not having someone to shag for whatever reason. It is not the solution however, to avoid getting close or being hurt in relationships or to express one's anger at a mate. That is a fear-based choice that will not serve you in the long run because we are not meant to guard ourselves from love and everyone around us. On a personal note, I have been abstinent more years than not because I'm pretty picky about who I'm willing to share myself with sexually. During those times I did not percieve it as a negative thing. More often than not it was chosen and I was just as content on my own as I was when a lover was in my world. Self love can go a long way.
Code phrase for you know what. Ideally you should know yourself, your body, and what pleases you better than any other. You are your fulltime partner, lover, and friend, so don't neglect yourself with the false belief that someone else should be providing all things to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and for gettng your own needs met.
Surprisingly enough, I have never used them. I like the real deal. Give me a great man with a hard cock and I'm good to go. That being said, I'm not against them, nor do I feel uncomfortable about the role they serve. I just have yet to explore this area.
Even the word makes me giggle. Threesomes are especially fun when you are not too attached to the hotties you're shagging. But I imagine a threesome involving someone you love can open the door to some unsettling feelings, so I would not recommend it unless you and your primary partner have already built a solid foundation of trust, open communication and emtional safety. Dealing with the feelings and insecurites that may surface requires a committment on both sides to make sure there is space to explore them. Also, threesomes may work best when you are just starting out with a partner, before feelings have had a chance to deepen. One more point: men typically fantasize about being with 2 women. I get it. We're hot. But if I were to consider giving that gift to a man, I think it's fair for me to ask for the same from him. Meaning, he gets what he wants after I get what I want, which would be him and another man of my choosing. Not surprisingly, most men will say no to this. They either don't want to see a naked man, period, or that naked man shagging his lady, or his lady enjoying her time with this yummy second. Most men feel threatened by these things, yet don't think twice about their own request for an additional lady in the bedroom. He wants two women for the purpose of his own pleasure, yet gets his knickers twisted if his woman would like to double her own pleasure as well. Interesting. Something to think about and maybe challenge the next time your man brings it up. I know I am not your average woman, but I know I am not the only woman with a hearty sexual appetite, and I am certainly not one to starve myself, nor am I one to offer a feast to a man who would not offer me the same.
This is something I will never understand. If I was not enjoying what was happening with a partner I would sure as hell point him in the right direction instead of going along with whatever he was doing that wasn't working. I actually enjoy feeling good so what purpose does it serve to be silent when that isn't happening? Much better to tell the bloke what's what so we can both have a good time.
Fun when you are drunk in NYC. Totally worth losing your cell phone for.
I have read more on this subject than any other, I'm sure. Fascinating topic. Personally, I consider us all soulmates because we are all connected at the deepest level whether we are aware of it or not. I could write for years on this but won't.
I have mixed feelings on this. I do believe that certain people match us better energetically than others, and so we radiate on a higher frequency with them than we do with others. All of us resonate with certain people, and when we feel especially connected or 'matched', we feel like we have found the one. But here's my beef: I was energetically matched at the time to every partner I have ever had (or we would not have been together), and I'm sure there were times I felt like each one was 'the one' for whatever reason, but we grew, we changed, we learned our lessons and that energetic charge dissolved and resurfaced with the next teacher/lover/partner which indicated I was ready for the next stage of growth. Therefore, this repeated experience shows me that even though I am currently with a man who is a match for me at this stage of my life, it doesn't mean we will be matched in a month, or a year or 10 years. My deep and beautiful experience with this man will only continue as long as it's meant to. For now he is the only one who has my heart, but no one can control how two people grow and develop, both together and apart, so we simply stay current with one another and keep the lines of communication open.
The base of any solid relationship. I need it like I need air. I hate wondering what is going on. I like things to be transparent so that I have the opportunity to choose what to do with whatever information I am presented with. I feel like I can handle anything if I am told the truth. But I know I cannot handle not knowing something. ALL unspoken truths are felt on a certain level, and this is often the reason why a partner begins to act a little crazy. I know I can act nutty when I feel like something is going on that he/she is not verbalizing, and it is important for both partners to have the courage to be honest with one another. It may not be easy, but half truths are even harder to maintain. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Share your feelings, and expect them to be honoured. If you are not free to share your innermost self with your partner without being invalidated, ignored, minimized, ridiculed, or punished in some way, then why the hell are you with that person? You deserve a helluva lot better than that, my love.
Twin Souls/Twin Flames
This concept is the bane of my existence as it is the holy grail of relationships and is the only thing I want and have yet to achieve. It is rare, but inevitable for all of us, even if it takes countless lifetimes, and it is the end result of your soul's work. It is the perfect and divine union with your other half, your twin flame, the one who completes you. Not in the codependent sense, but in a returning home sense. With this person you are free to soar the heights because you both have completed your respective tasks in previous relationships and you are now finally free and ready for the kind of love experience that others only dream about. I personally only know one couple who shares this beautiful gift; Jack & Annie, and I interviewed them last year about their twin soul relationship. They are my heroes, my role models and proof that what I crave actually does exist. When I describe them to others, most are quick to discount it based on their limited perceptions of what a relationship is like. The prevailing beliefs that relationships take work, require sacrifice and compromise, and have a honeymoon phase that inevitably fades out over time, absolutely DO NOT apply a twin soul partnership. With your twin flame, it is effortless. Always. The love only grows deeper over time. Both people are enhanced by the connection, not diminished by it, and this never changes. These are the ones who will be together for life, without question, because they have returned home through one another. They cannot be separated in any way. They cannot be apart because they are one. They share a love and exude a vibrancy that gives life and hope to everyone they come into contact with. They truly only have eyes for one another and they are in each other's every thought, word, and deed. It is said that one's current relationship can be transformed into a twin soul partnership if and when both people are ready and completely available for this life-changing experience. Anything is possible. It's all about timing, readiness, and magic:)
GAH!!! I have never been married so maybe I shouldn't even be saying a thing, but marriage has never appealed to me for a number of reasons so in case you feel the same, it might be nice to know you're not alone. Yes I know there are a ton of happily married couples out there and I'm not about to knock them. To each his own and if it works work you, awesome. But this is my note and I have seen more crappy marriages than good ones so here are my thoughts on it (specifically for those who are with someone who is less than their ideal): 1. A piece of paper means nothing and will not bind two people who are not meant to be bound. 2. If you're going to do it, make sure he/she is worth it and while you're at it, plan for the divorce. 3. Staying together in a loveless relationship with someone you've since outgrown just because of this damned and dying institution is absolutely insane. 4. Marriage does not equal happiness so if your relationship wasn't solid before you walked down the aisle, why do you assume that a ring around your finger will make all your problems disappear? That's about as smart as thinking that having a baby with some jackass will make him less of a jackass once all three of you can't sleep though the night. Right. I'm sure I sound cynical, but it's only because I am. There's just something absurd about people investing more time, thought and energy into their big day than they do into their partnership, which I have witnessed and makes me shake my head. Of course I am not talking about everyone here. I have friends who are happily married and I know it is a gift they treasure. So I'm not even sure what my point is other than the fact that marriage isn't always a great idea. Yes there are couples who last and stay matched for many years or for life, but I would guess that most don't, or even if they do choose to stay together, it's not necessarily for the best reasons or they are not entirely happy with this set up and are ashamed to admit it. Also, divorce sucks ass and along with that ordeal there's the kids to think about and share, and payments and lawyers and therapy and I should just shut up. In my opinion, what matters between two people is what they share behind closed doors. Period. It's the quality of the connection that determines all things. If the relationship is on the rocks, nothing external will fix it. And if the relationship is solid, the externals will only enhance it. There, that's what I was trying to say through all those words. P.S. I would 'marry' my twin soul fo shizzle. There would be no minister, no legal paperwork and no stupid DJ, but there would definitely be love, beauty and sacred moments between myself and my beloved and a celebration to remember with all our wonderful guests. Just like one celebrates a birthday, I would celebrate 'our' day, as a way to mark this new chapter of togetherness. Which, I suppose, is why people are drawn to the tradition of marriage. But for those who look to it as a means to feel secure, to 'keep' another, to ensure stability (whatever that means), well, I just don't get it.
As with marriage, I've never desired it. I mean, I don't even like living with my kid most of the time and we are both counting down the years until she moves out. My cats are the exception. I do love living with them because they don't talk back. Another exception would be my twin soul. I would live with him I'm sure. But for a regular love relationship, no thanks. I love having my own space. I love going to spend the night at my lover's home and returning to my own home the next day. I like each visit feeling like a sexy date because we have prepared for the other's arrival, and I honestly don't dream of the day to day with the same person. I would much rather have the deliciousness I am accustomed to with my lover, than the 'domestic bliss' that others seek with their partner. I don't want to have conversations with my beloved about whose turn it is to take out the garbage. My kid and I are fine having that fight, among others. What I want is to be fed, adored, satisfied and loved. I have that. And I have no desire to upgrade our experience to "Can you pass the remote?" I'd much rather spend the day in bed making sweet love and forgetting about all the things I need to do when I get home.
I've only used Skype for one reason: to watch a man strip for me. I highly recommend this practice.
Best. Thing. Ever. And what a treat while you're waiting in line at the grocery store;)
What's to say, really? Love rocks.