Parenting Mandyland Style

As most of my friends and Facebook followers know, my daughter (whom I refer to as "Donkey") left for Calgary on July 1st to spend some quality time with my family. With an invitation to stay for the summer or as long as she was comfortable, they bought her a one-way ticket to Stampede City and thus, a new level of freedom was assured for both Paige and I.

Author's Note: This post was initially meant to address the main questions people asked me about our extended time apart; things like, "Won't you miss each other?", "Are you worried?", "Why didn't you go, too?" and "What are going to do without her?", but as I typed out my answers, I naturally began to reflect on my own style of parenting, what I think it means to be an effective parent, and why I think so many women struggle in this department. It's turned into a mini novel.

I feel like what I've written applies more to mothers with grown children, but even if you have a baby, toddler, or school-aged whippersnapper, you might find some food for thought sprinkled throughout my ramblings.

As with anything I write, I can only speak from my personal experience so I'd like to remind you that what works for Paige and I may not be your style at all. Some mothers are all about being a mom. Their world and their joy revolves around their child and they find much happiness and fulfillment in this role.

That was just never me.



I'M NOT LIKE MOST MOTHERS

I'm not like most mothers, which isn't to say that I'm not a good one. It just means that I have a vastly different way of relating to my child than the majority of women out there. Sometimes I think that if I was a man my style wouldn't seem so strange, and would actually garner much respect, but I've never been too concerned with the status quo. What concerns me is my own conduct as a person, doing the right thing, owning my shit when I do the wrong thing, and being there for my child when she genuinely needs me.

I am often perceived as insensitive and detached as a parent by those who feel deeply connected to their role as mothers and care takers, but like I said, if I was a man doing what I do the women would love it and I'd win dad of the year. Because I am a woman however, it appears strange that I don't dote or feel emotionally bound to my kid like most moms do, and that Paige has never really been the centre of my universe. She was a primary focus, yes, but not top spot. More on that later.

Q & A TIME

Time to answer the questions I've been getting since Paige left. Then I'll get into the joys of being kid-free for longer than I ever have since Paige was born. Spoiler alert: it's freaking awesome.

Q: Won't you miss each other?
A: No, I don't miss her, and no, she doesn't miss me. She misses her boyfriend, her own bed I'm sure, and possibly her cat Gypsy, but we are quite content having space from one another.

Q: Are you worried?
A: About what exactly? She's visiting with family, not climbing Mount Everest.

Q: Why didn't you go, too?
A: You're kidding right? I finally have a house and tons of time to myself after 36 years of living with someone else (my parents and then her). I've been waiting my whole life for this. Doesn't everyone crave their own space?

Q: What are going to do without her?
A: Enjoy every moment, that's what. She's pretty grown up and has had her own life for a few years now so having her gone isn't that much different. Sure there's no bickering, more order and less hair clogging the drain, but overall nothing is noticeably different, except for the perks listed below.

WHAT ROCKS ABOUT BEING CHILD-FREE

The perks of being kid-free are pretty awesome. I'm enjoying my space, some solitude and a place that never gets messy. I'm living my life like I always do, and I'm also loving the peace and quiet that comes from being free of daily parental responsibility. I genuinely love living on my own without needing to deal with anyone else's moods or energy. It's been great.

I finally get to put the focus 100% on me and it has done me a world of good. I get plenty of sleep every night, I got back into daily yoga, my place is super tidy (and actually stays that way), I'm not over-working, I eat better, I'm more calm, and I'm even more organized.

Having Paige in the house certainly did not prevent any of these things, but being energetically attuned to myself more fully and consistently (instead of getting side-tracked or distracted by the energy of another) has helped me come back into alignment in a much deeper way.



NO PARTYING FOR ME, THANKS

I think some people assumed I'd go buck wild with Paige gone, but it's not like I wasn't free to do whatever I wanted on any given day while she was here. If anything, I am going within even more because feeling aligned and on track is my idea of a good time and I love having the space to do so without interruption. I have loved being here at home on my own (and with my lover, occasionally), and there's really no place else I'd rather be.

In Mandyland, every day is a celebration (especially over the past few weeks) and life often feels like a vacation. I am having an amazing time just being with myself each day.

I wake up naturally. I do work that I love and makes a difference. I take naps. I hit the trail and go to the beach daily. I live in an orderly home. I have profound conversations with my bestie on the regular. I spend time with those who enrich my life. I sleep solid and I appreciate the little things.

I'm doing what I always do. I'm living well and making the most of each day. What else matters?



MY #1 PRIORITY

While I do care about the well-being of my child and I have taken full responsibility for her over the years, my life never centred around parenthood.

My focus was always on doing what's right, while being true to myself in the process. Raising a child well was important to me, but it was never my main focus in life. Self-understanding and personal transformation was. 

I instinctively knew that doing my inner work and healing form my difficult past would be the best thing I could do for my daughter. Therefore, I spent most of our years together doing what needed to be done to ensure she didn't go through what I did growing up, and I did that by focusing primarily on my own process.

This did not make me a neglectful mother. It made me a conscious mother. It also demonstrated self-responsibility through example.

PARENTHOOD IS ABOUT GROWING WITH YOUR CHILD

I never fully read or enjoyed parenting books because they made me feel inadequate, overwhelmed and even more worried about messing up. Parenting is so confusing as it is and I knew that the advice of others would only take me further away from what was right for me and my lil one.

That's why I chose to parent intuitively. I simply followed my heart and tried not to feel like the worst person on the planet whenever I messed up. I figured what Paige needed most was a mom who loved and adored her and one who was also emotionally available, so that's what I gave her.

Over the years my parenting style changed in relation to Paige's age, needs, and development. The mom I am now is perfectly suited to who she is at 17, but I am nothing like the mom I was when she was a baby, toddler or pre-schooler. Well, I was always genuine but I was much more involved when she was younger then I am now, which only makes sense given her age.

In my experience, sometimes it's the most naive parents that turn out to be the best ones because they lead with their heart instead of trying to impress those around them. So many moms compare themselves and their children to other moms and kids but it's futile. They aren't comparable. Everyone is exactly where they need to be and they are all facing their own set of triumphs and challenges that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your job is to stay centred on you and your bundle of love and let others focus on theirs.



CHILDREN TEACH YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

I believe that our children are our greatest teachers because they naturally push our buttons and therefore show us where we need to smarten up or lighten up. If we haven't worked out a particular theme in our own lives, then we are usually matched up with a child who challenges us in that area specifically.

If you have a hard time saying no, then guaranteed you'll end up with a kid who continually takes too much, oversteps boundaries, or disregards you in some fashion. If you have a lot of latent and unexpressed anger, you might get a kid that explodes regularly. If you have intimacy issues, your child might be promiscuous. That kinda thing.

This strange phenomenon isn't intended to drive you to the brink of insanity (although it can sure feel like it). It's meant to wake you up to the things you refuse to look at and work on. And until you rise up to do that work, you will get a steady stream of experiences and people holding the same message for you and yes, it's frustrating as hell. But in terms of your soul's evolution, it's highly effective.

The universe wants you to get your shit together which is why it gives you endless opportunities to change your ways. And having a child is a pretty potent portal of self-discovery because most often the whippersnapper lives with you and so you can't really avoid it.

So use it as the gift it's meant to be: a customized class just for you.



THE MAIN LESSONS CHILDREN ARE HERE TO TEACH

I think one of the major lessons that your child is here to teach you (apart from unconditional love, being non-judgmental, joy, and living in the moment), is learning how to let go.

Moms especially struggle with this and oftentimes hold on tighter with every passing year and therefore, by the time the child moves out, mom is a complete wreck because it really does feel like a limb has been removed. This is why empty nest syndrome can be so devastating for some.

An alternative to this impending doom, is to realize that from the moment your child is born, your job is to learn how to let go.

Why?

Because what a child needs most is to be free to explore life and themselves beyond the perimeters of the mother-bubble they're often contained in. Every age is different of course, but increasing freedom should be the natural progression as your child grows up. Not it's not easy, but it's essential if you want to ensure you're kid still isn't living with you at 80.

As parents we naturally want to protect our kids from life, but this is not in their best interests, nor is it in ours. They are gonna get hurt, they too will suffer at some point, but no amount of love from us is going to save them from it.

We are simply here as guides, examples and pit stops along their path, and their soul's agenda has nothing to do with us.

When you realize this, you can accept and embrace the fact that your child doesn't actually belong to you; he or she has just chosen you as one of their primary co-creators in this lifetime.

MY DEFINITION OF EFFECTIVE PARENTING

I think effective parenting is about being a living example of what your child can ascend to. It's about being authentic instead of perfect. It's about doing your inner work so your children won't have to do it for you. It's about taking full responsibility for yourself and your life while giving your child the chance to do the same.

I also think that the best parents are those who put themselves (not their children) first, because valuing yourself teaches your child to value him or herself as well, and this is by far the greatest lesson one could ever teach or learn. Just think of all the things that result from lack of self-worth (addictions, poor relationships, low self-esteem to name a few) and how a healthy sense of self respect could assuage them all.

So, why not be a shining example of self-love and self-respect so that your child can see firsthand how great it is? Why not be your very best and live your best life so that your kid won't have to feel guilty for wanting to be happy and fulfilled when you're not?

Something to think about.

SELF-CARE IS ESSENTIAL; NOT SELFISH

You may think it's selfish to put yourself first, but I believe it is essential. Every year I grow more convinced of this, especially when I continually see the consequences of a woman meeting everyone else's needs while neglecting her own. Resentment, exhaustion, frustration, resignation, bitterness, rage, depression, and blow ups are not uncommon in a woman who has yet to learn how to say no to others and yes to herself.

This is one of the most common themes in my DIVA classes. Women often come to me because they have finally had enough of catering to the world and are ready to learn how to cater to themselves and set limits with those around them. They are eager to finally do the things they have denied themselves for far too long and I applaud them every time because I know how hard it is to change.

Hard as it is though, if you are not adequately taking care of yourself on every level then you are not giving your best to your child or those around you anyways, so let that knowing inspire you to rise up and ask for more of what you want and deserve.

It is your job to fill the well and nourish others with the overflow, hottie. No one else is here to do this for you.  

DON'T USE YOUR KIDS TO MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY

More often than not, women use parenting, and thus their children, as a way to feel important, needed, loved, powerful, and worthy. They want someone to love and they desperately want to be loved and mistakenly think that having kids will make that happen.

But really, kids grow up (and if they're healthy they will differentiate themselves from you) and then what are you going to do when your source of love, purpose and meaning is gone?

What usually happens (because mom has yet to find her own source of fulfillment and happiness) is a steady flow of guilt trips that every child loathes because mom is dependent on on her kid to feel good about herself. As a result, mom unconsciously does whatever she can to keep the kid close when what she ought to be doing is letting her child grow up and away.

To make your child responsible for your well-being and happiness is to set you both up for disappointment, resentment and heartache. And it's not fair to them at all.

My mom was a pro at trying to make me responsible for her feelings and for many years I actually did everything I could think of to make her happy (to no avail) because what child doesn't want to make their mom happy?

It took me a long time (I mean really long) to finally realize that no matter what I said or did or didn't say or didn't do, my mom was never going to be happy or satisfied. I eventually learned, through much pain and strife and feeling not good enough, that her misery and bitterness had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own self-hatred. 

I became the target but I was definitely not the cause. 

Once I figured that out, I focused more on making myself happy and less on her demands upon me, and the result was hell but so worth it in the end.

My ability to rise up and out of our dysfunctional family system and to eventually become happy (after years of being depressed just like my mom), was a real threat to her. It made her uncomfortable. She liked me better when I was just as miserable as she was and sought (unconsciously) to bring me back down to the level that she operated at. 

My presence only frustrated her more and more over the years as I started to stand up for myself and set limits with her. She hated me for a while and expressed her rage but I knew it wasn't about me. Although she never had the words for it, I believe she was angry at her own inability to find the peace and happiness she so craved all her life and it really hurt her to see me possess it.

Eventually things shifted with mom and I for the better, but standing up to her in those early days was pretty fucking hard and enduring the 6 months of her silence after my first attempt to take care of myself was really hard too. But, if living authentically was my goal (and it was), I could no longer accept the things I had been raised with just to avoid conflict. I was willing to face the fire (and boy did I ever) because I had my eye on the goal, which was freedom from dysfunction and a healthy relationship with my daughter.


I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA

So I guess it's safe to say that I got my strength from my mama, in the sense that needing to live with her, deal with her and eventually differentiate from her, was a powerful experience that led me to becoming a pretty strong individual who can comfortably face the difficult things that most people tend to shy away from. 

As well, the work that I do now, which is all about having the strength to transform one's past into an incredible present, is deeply rooted in my childhood experience and my ability to move beyond it. 

For that reason I am grateful for all the fuckery, but I wouldn't recommend this kinda thing at all.

Do your inner work so that your child won't have to do it for you.

STOP OVER-GIVING!

Another common result of making your child's needs more important than your own, is doing WAY TOO MUCH for your child (even when they're grown) and so very little for yourself. What naturally follows (and I hear it all the time) is a mom who complains about all that she does for her grown child (who often can't seem to ever get his/her shit together) and how unappreciated and resentful she feels. I'd feel that way too! 

But here's the thing. If you're looking for validation and appreciation from your kid, you're asking for too much. Their job is to be a kid; not your source of self-worth. You can't hold them responsible for the very thing you won't even give to yourself. That's absurd.

If you're over-giving then yes, chances are they're over-taking. Why wouldn't they? If you can't do things in a balanced way then why are you expecting them to? I know, I know. You think that being a mom is all about giving everything you've got to your precious spoiled brat but I assure you that if your child is acting like a spoiled brat then you had a hand in creating this unfortunate dynamic. 

You need to STOP OVER-GIVING. Stop doing for your kid what he or she is capable of doing for him or herself and START SAYING NO. Let your grown kid grow up already. 

Stop being a martyr and stop acting like a victim because it's really not cool or healthy and it is definitely not hot on a lady. You are not powerless here. 

If you genuinely want to correct the imbalance between you and your unappreciative child, then you need to smarten up and set some limits. You need to put yourself first and you need to give yourself the love and appreciation you are trying to get from outside sources.

Not only will you become more sane, you'll probably save a shit ton of cash in the process. 

Here's a warning though: It will take a lot of balls to say no when you're used to always saying yes, and you will most definitely be met with a ton of resistance from your child if they have never been denied the things they want. That's normal and it's not easy to deal with. But if you really are sick of how things are then you need to be willing to make the necessary changes. If not, keep depleting your bank account for the ungrateful bastard and quit yer bitchin'. *cue wink*

THE BEST WAY TO PARENT

In my opinion, there is no right way to raise a kid because every child is different and none of us really know what the hell we're doing as parents most of the time anyways. We just try our best and hope we don't scar them for life.

Sometimes the best we can hope for is an upgrade from our own upbringing and that in itself is something to be proud of.

My mom was raised being told she was fat, stupid and ugly (so sad) and unfortunately she believed it. But she also swore to herself that she would never, ever say those things to her own child. And she didn't. Sure she struggled with other things but she did not pass on this one thing that had destroyed her sense of self-worth as a child and I commend her for that.

Similarly, when it was my turn to parent, I made the decision not to pass on certain things from my upbringing. Yes I have fucked up in a ton of other ways, but I feel proud of the fact that I did things differently and that Paige and I actually have a close relationship, something that my mom and her mom, and my mom and I never got to experience.

I'm sure the same is true for you. You might feel guilty for all the ways you imagine you screwed up but I bet you have given your child at least one gift you never received growing up. Be proud of that. Know that you did your best even if your kid blames you for everything. ;)



FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR BEING HUMAN

None of us need more reasons in life to feel shitty, but parenting just oozes with the potential for feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Every parent struggles with this (especially mothers) so try to give yourself a break. You really have no control over anyone but yourself so just do your best each day and pray to the gods that your kid won't need therapy for life.

That's what I do.

P.S. Your kids don't actually belong to you, by the way. They have simply chosen to enter the world through you. Maybe that knowing can give you some peace of mind when shit hits the fan. Your souls have agreed to this union and knew how hard it would be before they agreed to it. So try to relax and trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it's meant to.

KIDS DON'T NEED PERFECT PARENTS

While I have a horrid list forever etched in my mind, heart and memory of all the ways I've royally screwed up as a parent, my greatest success has been in being real about where I'm at, taking responsibility for my misconduct, apologizing and validating her feelings and perceptions, and never, ever saying "it won't happen again". 

Why won't I make that promise? 

Because I am not so evolved that I can think before I speak every moment of every day, which is what would be required for me to banish all of my glorious asshole moments from now until forevermore. You know, those shame-filled fuck ups that no parent is exempt from. The kind you envision your child relaying to his or her counsellor 20 years from now because it was just that awful and unforgivable. But it wasn't. It was human and it's ok.

A child doesn't need a perfect parent. A child needs an authentic one.

HOW WE BE LIVIN'

Here's a glimpse into my life with the whippersnapper, in case you were wondering how we roll in the Richardson household.

Paige and I live pretty independent lives despite living in the same house, and the only time we really spend one-on-one time together is when she is craving a "life chat" as she calls it.

That is when she comes to me for advice or to just have a sounding board as she sorts through her thoughts and feelings on a subject while I listen and offer feedback. These "life chats" usually last a few hours, happen every few weeks or sometimes monthly, are never planned, and are always amazing.

This is how Paige and I bond. Through intelligent conversations that elevate our understanding of ourselves and human nature. That's our idea of a good time. That's our "family time" as it were. Apart from that, we remain fairly separate. We are not bound by sentimental feelings of love and family unity, but by our respect for one another as individuals.



PAIGE IS FREE TO BE HERSELF

Because I grew up being judged for who I am at my core (open, honest and wholly unable to keep my mouth shut on issues that mattered), it was very important to me to learn self-acceptance (still working on it) and to raise a child who felt supported in being who she is.

This is why I raised Paige to be herself fully and completely, and why I have encouraged her to be independent of me and others, to be self-reliant, and to live her life based on what suits her; not on what suits me or anyone else.

She is free to be herself and she is free of needing to make me happy. Her life is her job and my life is mine. And because of this, neither of us experience the co-dependent or mother-smothering dynamic most families struggle with.



YES, WE STILL HAVE STRUGGLES

Sure co-dependency and mother-smothering is not an issue for us, but we still have our struggles. At times I can be very controlling and mean. But what's great about having a kid like Paige and a history of mutual respect between us, is that she won't put up with it.

When I become a psychotic asshole she calls me on my shit, puts me in my place or just leaves the room. She won't waste her energy dealing with me because when I'm in that state I can't think clearly anyways and I definitely can't listen to reason. She knows this and acts accordingly, which I greatly admire.

THE SANEST HUMAN I KNOW

Paige is honestly one of the sanest and healthiest people I know. This is why I consider her an old soul.

She has always been wise beyond her years and although people attribute her awesomeness to my great parenting, I'd like to point out that she came to me already in tact and I have become more sane and healthy as a result of being her mom. This is why I credit her entry into my life to my success as a parent and a person.

Without her choice to be my daughter (I believe every soul chooses where to grow and under what conditions), I would not be who and what I am today. I chose my mom and my upbringing to make me stronger and Paige entered my life to make me softer, kinder and more compassionate.

We have both been gifts to one another during this scared journey and I am honoured to have been through it all with her, hard as it has been at some points.

And while I might not be the maternal type, I am most definitely the principled type, and this is why I know this kid was custom-made for me. Our personalities are polar opposite but when it comes to our fundamental values (truth, integrity and doing what's right), we are in complete alignment.

Even if she were not my kid, I would admire Paige for who she is. She is someone I consider an equal because of her innate wisdom, and I learn just as much through her as she does through me.



THE REAL GIFT OF HAVING A CHILD

Children enter your life to expand you and to inspire you to become more of who you really are. They are your daily opportunity to become a better person, to learn important lessons, and to face your shit.

They push your buttons not to ruin your life but to offer countless chances to master yourself. They are the perfect mirror to your limits, and as their parent, you would be wise to see them as such and start doing your inner work to make use of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Who needs to travel to India for enlightenment when you have Buddha in the next room?

Exactly.


With love,

Mandy of Mandyland xo

~Transforming Lives Since 1995~

Whether it's through Skype, a customized one2one session, or a sacred group experience, I can help you transform your life in a fun, inspiring and empowered way. So, if you are in the midst of BIG change and need some clarity and support, I'd love to hear from you!

Email mandy@mandylandrocks.com for rates and details.

P.S. Need some inspiration? Be sure to sign up for Mandyland Daily! It's awesome and it's FREE!

Rock on.

www.mandylandrocks.com

www.godsanddivas.com

Adventures In Tube Tying

On June 25th, 2012, I took the plunge and got my tubes tied. HURRAH!

So now that I'm fully recovered, I want to share some of my experience including why I chose this method of birth control, how my recovery went, and the gift contained in my trip to emerg.

Before I get started though, I need to thank my dear friends who helped me get through that first week of recovery, as well as my daughter, Paige, for being one helluva caregiver. So thank you to those who came over, called to check in, brought food, tidied my place, sent love through Facebook, and just cared. It all meant so much. xo


WHY I CHOSE TUBAL LIGATION

Making the decision to get my tubes tied seemed like a no brainer to me. I don't want more kids. Never did. I'm pretty anti-meds so the pill was never an option. My IUD experience was short-lived and painful. Condoms are great for casual encounters, but when you have a steady lover who you know is also clean (which is generally the case for me), the ultimate experience is organic sex without any barriers whatsoever. So that was that. I went to my gynaecologist at the beginning of June and went in for surgery a few weeks later. That being said, I had been contemplating it for about a year beforehand.

The main reason I didn't do it sooner was because I have always hated the idea of changing my body through surgery. Apart from getting my tonsils removed as a kid and my wisdom teeth pulled as an adult, I couldn't wrap my mind around getting something done elsewhere. It freaked me right out. My other surgeries were necessary but this one would be chosen, and I just didn't know how to place it.

Over time I grew more comfortable with the idea and I especially just liked that it was permanent (although it can be reversed) and even though it's not 100% effective, 99.99% is good enough for me. I also had a close friend who got it done and said she went on a date the next day so I took her word for it and figured recovery would be no biggie. I was wrong.


MY RECOVERY SUCKED BALLS

While I envy my friend who bounced back so quickly after surgery, I had no such luck.

I had an allergic reaction to the demerol which resulted in hives and a black out before I even made it home.

On Day 2 my breathing got so shallow that I honestly thought I was going to die. I couldn't speak for fear of using up my last breath and after I refused to go to the hospital (Paige wanted to call 911 but I was too terrified to move or be moved), she called my friend who swiftly came by and took charge of the situation. Eventually the tears stopped flowing and I was back to breathing without fear of death. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it was one of the worse experiences of my life. Pure terror. At that point I also stopped taking my prescribed Tylenol 3's just in case it was the meds screwing up my system.

On Day 4 or 5 I ended up in emerg because of an inordinate amount of bleeding. I called Tele-Health first to see if this was normal and they told me I should go to emerg and that if I don't there is a chance I will bleed to death. Nice. I believed them of course because I didn't know any better, but after I met with the doctor I became enlightened. He said never to call Tele-Health again because no matter what the symptoms are they will tell you to go to emerg and give you the worst-case scenario if you don't. Lesson learned. He checked everything out, said all is well, said I would have been better off sleeping than coming in, and that I only need to worry if the bleeding goes on for many days, which it didn't. Thank God. I left feeling grateful that I'm not gonna bleed to death.

By Day 6 I could sit up without much discomfort and graduated from my bed to the couch. I still could not stand upright.

Day 7 I had to take my kid to the airport and overall it was good, considering. I was still a bit hunched over and I couldn't walk at my normal pace but it was nice to be out in the world after almost a week of living lying down.

Day 8 I took my first walk on my regular route and although I could not walk fast, it felt amazing to be fully upright and mobile. I took two more walks that day and did an hour of gentle yoga and I was so grateful and happy!

Day 10 I was back to doing handstands and and by Day 12 I felt back to my regular self and was biking soon after.

P.S. I also had a ton of great sex this week so things in that department are good as well:)

P.P.S. If you are considering tubal ligation, please don't assume your recovery will be like mine. Everyone is different. Of the 9 friends I know who have had it done, none of them faced any complications whatsoever. It just took a few days for them to get back into the swing of things.


BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS AMIDST THE PAIN

Despite being bed-ridden and uncomfortable for almost a full week, so many special moments occurred along the way. One stands out in particular. Here is the Facebook update I wrote about it:

"At emerg:( on a positive note, they gave me blankets to rest in the quiet room for the next few hours until it's my turn, and when I went in to lay down, there was a woman in tears. I knew immediately that we were meant to meet. She welcomed me in, I listened to her story (so tragic), and we bonded heart to heart. It was just like a DIVA class. I think it's amazing that our circumstances brought us together like this, and even placed us in a quiet room together to heal. What a blessing. Sacred connections everywhere I go. xoxo"

The woman (who shall remain nameless) was there because her husband of 22 years tried to commit suicide and had been brought in after she called the police. Naturally, she was in pain. As she shared her story with me, I learned that her hubby struggled with mental health issues as well as alcoholism when he was off his meds, and of course I could relate given my upbringing and my own life experience.

I was grateful to be in the room with her because I knew she needed someone who simply cared. And I kept thinking of one of my favourite quotes,"You are in the room to heal the room." (A Course In Miracles).

So while the doctors took care of the physical aspect of her husband's suicide attempt, I addressed the spiritual and emotional pain she was facing. All she really needed was love and understanding; both of which I gave.

Our time together was short, but it was most definitely sacred. I knew this connection was divinely orchestrated and I appreciated being given an opportunity to help alleviate someone's suffering if only for a few moments. She left with my information in case she needed more support, and I laid back down knowing that I did exactly what was required of me in that situation.


A REMINDER OF WHO I REALLY AM

What I was reminded of through my experience with the woman mentioned above is that we are not our bodies. We are pure souls travelling through and beyond physical form. Whether I am mobile, in recovery, or even when I am on my death bed, I am shining my light, affecting lives for the better, and bringing beauty to the world just by being here. Same goes for her. Same goes for you.

Even if I could no longer write or speak, I'd still be doing my soul's work because my soul's work is not dependent on physical matter. It simply runs through it. My spirit would continue to express itself regardless of my physical state or perceived limits because the thing that makes me most beautiful is not a thing at all. It is an energy that we all possess at every moment whether we are aware of it or not.

It is the light of who we really are. How beautiful is that?

So here's to Spirit and here's to life, and here's to no more babies! HOLLA!

With love,

Mandy of Mandyland xo


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Rock on.

She's "Crazy"/He's A "Jerk" (Part 1)

As the DIVA Extraordinaire, both men and women alike open up to me about things they tend to keep on the down low from others in their lives. I hear a lot about relationships especially, and in this 2-part post I'd like to address the "women are crazy" and "men are jerks" theme because I hear it far too often and I think we all could use a refresher on personal accountability. As well, much of the discord we experience with those we love comes from not doing our own inner work and/or not having a clue how to love someone else so my hope is that these 2 blogs will point you in the right direction regarding both subjects.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

First, we are fully responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions and no one has the power to pollute our experience unless we've given our power away in the first place. We teach people how to treat us and have full control over who we let into our world and what we are willing to accept from them.

Second, a woman is not "crazy" just because she doesn't "get the hint" from your passive behaviour, nor is a man a "jerk" because he's just not into you. We all love to cast blame for the ways we feel like shit, ignore our gut, do things that are not aligned with our highest selves, avoid being truthful, and end up in situations or with people that suck, but the reality is that you chose it (albeit unconsciously in most cases) and only you can change it. More on that later. It's time for some crazy talk, yo!

ALL ABOUT THE CRAZY

Generally speaking, "crazy" in a man's world can include calling too much, talking too much, acting jealous, interrogating him, not taking the hint, calling him out on his behaviour, giving the silent treatment, bringing up past transgressions, or even just having and expressing feelings. I won't go into the "crazier" stuff because it is beyond the scope of this post and I'd also like to point out that women deal with the same things as men do, but for simplicity's sake I'll stick with the stereotypes.

What men need to know is that for the average female, "crazy" doesn't just come out of nowhere. More often than not, a woman's "crazy" behaviour is in response to a man's inability or unwillingness to 'man up' to the said female in the first place. Were he to be upfront with her about all things, use his words instead of trying to avoid confrontation, be completely honest even if it's risky, accept responsibility for his behaviour, care about how she feels and validate her experience, take the time and do what it takes to resolve each issue, or if he was aware of how his words are actions were negatively impacting their dynamic, he wouldn't have to deal with the natural repercussions of dishonouring a female. Not that he ever intends to. He doesn't.

MEN WANT TO MAKE WOMEN HAPPY

In my experience, a man's ultimate goal is to make his woman happy. Period. This doesn't mean he knows how to accomplish this or that the woman is even receptive to his efforts, but men do try and they also give up (as they should) when their attempts seem futile. It really does take two, and it takes two who care enough to learn how to best serve, honour and care for one another.

HONOUR YOUR FIRST DATE AS MUCH AS YOUR ONE & ONLY

Even if it's just your first date with a female, you can practise upping your man power by acting with integrity from the start. It isn't just the woman you'll fall for that deserves the best of you; it's every female along the way. So the date sucked, she's not your type and you're totally not interested in date #2 but she is? Grow some balls and give her the respect she deserves by thanking her for the date and letting her know that you're not interested in anything more.

I know it's hard because that last thing you want is to hurt her feelings, but if you're not willing to be straight up with her then you need to quit your bitching about her inability to 'take the hint' when you ignore her. If she's contacting you after the fact she obviously had a different experience than you did so be fair and let her know what's up so that she can move on to the next one without mistakenly believing she has a shot with you. No, this relative stranger is not your responsibility per se, but as a decent human it is your responsibility to be as honourable as possible in all situations.

IF YOUR LADY IS ACTIN' A BIT "CRAZY"

For the men in relationships with a woman who is acting a little "crazy", let me give you the inside scoop so that you can begin turning that around. Yes, you really can. Here's what you need to know:

If a woman's need for emotional connection, honesty, respect, and genuine care is not met, she will demonstrate her dissatisfaction, hurt, disappointment or anger somehow. Ideally it would be through open communication but most times it is not. Neither men nor women are especially gifted at communicating their feelings to those who have the potential to hurt or reject them; more so if they have already felt hurt or rejected by that person.

When your woman starts acting in the ways listed earlier in this post, she is hurt and is self-protecting. She is frustrated and feels like there's no point talking about it because "you just don't understand" anyways. If she is at that point it's because you have already shown her you can't handle her reality and she is being wise to stop sharing it with you.

You don't deserve her open expression if you cannot treat it with the honour it requires.

If you want to remedy this, you need to demonstrate that you care about how she feels, what she needs, and that you are willing to do what it takes to make things right. You need to learn how to listen to her and validate her feelings. Most men invalidate a woman's feelings (and therefore the woman herself) without even knowing they are doing this, but if you can master this one thing, you are well on your way to having a happy hottie by your side.

The more cared for, respected, honoured and understood a woman feels, the happier she is, the more she is willing to give, the happier she can make her man, and the better the world is. When you treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated, she opens up like a flower and gives you a part of her no other man has earned or taken the time to discover.

And you, my fine sir, reap the benefits of this treasure because there is nothing more fulfilling to a man than knowing he is competent at satisfying his woman on all the levels that truly matter. Sure it's a tall order, but if you want a thriving relationship without the "crazy", you need to rise above your conditioned ways of relating to your woman so that she no longer has a need to shut down or shut you out.

A PERSONAL STORY

Last month I had an experience with a man that left me feeling pretty insulted. I am quite a direct person by nature and I don't like to play games so I was straight up about why I didn't like what just happened and I refrained from being intimate after the incident simply because I no longer felt close to him.

When I feel dishonoured by someone, that person no longer feels safe to me and I naturally close my heart (and legs) to the individual. Most women do this and men just don't get it. A woman needs to feel good in order to remain open to a man and if she has shut down emotionally or sexually it is for a damn good reason. If this happens, your job is to figure out why and if she matters to you, you're going to have to do what's required to fix it.

So this man I'm speaking of couldn't understand why I was so upset (even though I explained it) and he did everything he could think of to make things right, to no avail. He didn't understand why "sorry" wouldn't cut it, why making me dinner wouldn't solve it, and why I would no longer kiss him. Most men can relate to the above scenario, and it makes sense that they get frustrated. They really are trying but they are missing the mark completely because they have no idea what is really going on.

Sorry didn't cut it because one word can't resolve an important issue. There needs to be a discussion so that the woman can feel understood and validated. Dinner won't solve it because nothing tastes good when you're pissed at the person in front of you and why the hell would I kiss the guy who totally insulted me just hours before whether he knew it or not? Exactly.

So what did this guy end up doing in this situation? Impressing the fuck out of me, that's what. He cared so much about what we share and about making things right that he rose up like no other man I have ever met and took full responsibility for what happened. He not only validated my feelings, he clarified what he meant when he said what he did so that I could understand where he was coming from. He also stated in no uncertain terms that he will do whatever is necessary to replace that negative memory with a positive experience and not only did he mean it, he has already achieved it.

Our lengthy and open conversation coupled with his complete respect for me and our dynamic led to me opening up to him again on every level. Because my emotional needs were met in such an amazing way, I released my resentment, the hurt fell away, I became incredibly turned on (respect and honesty has that affect on me), and the result of our deepened connection was the best sexual experience of my life to date. HOLLA! So yes, a man can redeem himself after a major fail and basically create a fresh slate as it were, if he is willing to do the work to meet a woman where she is at and correct his wrong-doing.

THE RESIDUE OF DISHONOUR

That being said, this really only works when there is not a history or backlog of dishonouring experiences. If you have weeks, months or heaven forbid, YEARS worth of hurt working against you both, then you will have much more work on your hands to wipe that slate clean. Best course of action is to take care of every little issue along the way from this point on so that you don't build up a residue in years to come.

Unresolved hurts are the reason why women tend to bring up past transgressions. Had the issue actually been dealt with fully and properly, she would feel healed and free of it and would have no need to bring it up again. Pinky swear. So if your lady is actin' all "crazy" and bringing up shit from the past, that's your cue to help heal her heart.

Because of how the man in my life dealt with our recent situation, it is no longer a sore spot for me at all, nor will it be in the future. It was healed because that was his priority. Now we can move on and are free to have fresh new experiences untainted by that one; something we both deserve.

HOW YOU MAKE HER FEEL IS THE KEY

Let me share a secret with you, fellas. A woman's feelings for a man are directly related to how he makes her feel. Guys think it's about looks, money or performance but it's not (unless the woman is superficial, in which case, who needs her?) because if the guy succeeds in making her feel like the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent, hilarious, competent female in the world, he will get her.

The man who is steadily winning my heart is doing so because of how he treats me and responds to me. It has nothing to do with looks, because I'm not even particularly attracted to him physically, but the way he makes me feel turns him into the sexiest man out there. True story. Women of quality are attracted to men of quality, plain and simple.

A REMINDER 

Every person and experience in your life is not by accident; it was manifested by you so that you can grow more fully into the person you were born to be. To continue to give your power away by pointing fingers instead of looking within, is to waste these countless opportunities you have been given to be, do and have more of the things you truly desire.

Everything that comes into your life (even that "jerk" or that "crazy" chick) has been intricately designed for your expansion (especially if your buttons are getting pushed), and to throw a hissy fit over what your soul has created for you is a lot like having a fight with your reflection in the mirror. Completely useless. Do the work to create the relationship that is truly worthy of your time and effort.

JERKY WERKY

Stay tuned to my next post as I talk to the ladies about all those horrible "jerks" out there and what you're meant to learn from them.

Cheers, hotties!

Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com 

My Only Goal In Life

My only goal in life is to be happy. True story. And over the past few months I'd say I've exceeded this goal by being exceedingly happy; happier than I have ever been for longer than I thought possible. It's been a long time coming and so many amazing things have been flowing to me as a result.

Happiness is my ultimate goal because I think that all the other things that make life wonderful just naturally flow from consistently feeling great about yourself and your life. It's really that simple, in theory, but living it can be quite a challenge for most of us.

Although you wouldn't believe it based on the people around you, being unhappy and unfulfilled is not normal. It means something is off and we need to realign with ourselves and the things that bring us joy if we are to return to what was effortless as a child. Children always know what's up. They are in tune with who they are, respond appropriately when something is wrong, and are happy for no reason. That's normal. That's healthy. That's our natural state. And that's what life is like for me 99% of the time and it freaking rocks.


HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED

As mentioned in previous posts, I finally fell in love with myself in January of this year and since then nothing has been the same. It's now April and things just keep getting better. I really believe this is how things are meant to be, but it took me a long time to get to this point because I was so accustomed to the emotional pain I had grown up with. Over the years however, through facing and healing myself inwardly, I experienced less and less pain and more and more moments of peace and happiness because I peeled away the layers that prevented me from seeing myself clearly. Now the scale has finally tipped for good and joy is the new standard in Mandyland.

I think that when you are consciously and consistently doing your inner work, you build up a reserve of healed moments that will, over time, lead to extended periods of inner peace and happiness. The more you peel away the layers that cover up the real you, the lighter you feel and the happier you are. And those dark times, should they come again, will not be able to remain active for long, if at all.


HAPPINESS & INNER PEACE ARE AVAILABLE TO US ALL

Happiness and inner peace are states of being readily available to all of us when we are ready to reclaim them. Let us remember that they weren't always so foreign to us. We used to be happy all the time. We are born to be, and if we are not, well then it is our job to figure out how to fix that. Believing lies we have told ourselves about who we are tends to strip us of our ability to enjoy life, but what I have learned is that happiness and inner peace is a choice. To allow your past or others to rob you of your right to a great life is both delusional and a waste of your potential. It's your job to liberate yourself from the box you've put yourself in. No one else can do this but you.

You can be happy again. You deserve a fresh start. Pick any moment and begin from there. My new beginning began on January 3rd, 2012. Sure we are reborn in every moment, this is true, but for each of us there are certain moments, days or experiences that mark us in a profound way. Seeing myself as beautiful, both inside and out, was the beginning of my new life that is now filled with even more love, beauty, wealth, peace and joy than I had previously allowed myself. The remaining blocks finally dissolved and now I feel more capable than ever to have everything I've ever wanted.

I honestly feel like a new person this year, or rather, the me I was born to be. The me I've always been underneath my insecurities, fears, depressions and anger. This is the real Mandy, and I feel so blessed to be, know, and love her. Every day is such a treat that begins and ends well for the most part, and I have not had a major down day in months which is absolutely amazing considering that depression and suicidal thoughts were such a regular experience for me.

What I especially love is how relaxed I feel about life overall. Feeling good enough as I am is a pretty new experience and it has taken the edge off of everything. I trust life completely and am more than happy to just float day to day and moment to moment without much thought of the future. I still have my dreams (like being in music videos) but nothing is more important to me than feeling wonderful as often as I can. Paige and I get along sooooo much better than we have in years, money keeps flowing to me without much effort, and my nails remain unbitten. That's 4 months now which is a record for me! Woohoo!

Even a few weeks ago, I was faced with a situation that was very familiar to me and I had two choices: do what I did for years (ensuring two or three days of emotional disruption that inevitably follow) or say no to playing Russian roulette with my heart. To my surprise, I chose door #2 and I felt so proud. My well-being is my top priority and this means that I no longer try to get love from toxic people. I am my own source of love, affirmation and support now and therefore, I am no longer seeking these things through the kinds of relationships that mirrored the dynamics I grew up with. I feel so free.


THIS MOMENT WILL TAKE YOU THERE

When you feel good, you can discern more quickly all those things and people who don't feel good to you. But when you are stuck in a dark place it can be quite difficult to navigate this area because you are already compromised and it's easy to make choices that take you further away from what you truly want. If that's you right now, don't lose heart. No matter where you are at in this moment or what you've been through in the past, you are always moving in the direction of healing and freedom from those things and people that weigh you down. It may not feel like it, but every moment is serving you and its purpose is to move you towards your highest good.

You cannot fuck this up. Ever. I promise. Every thought, word and action (misaligned as it may feel) is bringing you closer into alignment. And yes, most of us choose to learn and grow through pain, but it is not necessary for growth. If you really want to shake things up you could experiment with pain-free living, where every day really does feel like a wonderful adventure instead of a dreaded reality. It's always up to you. And the moment you are truly ready for this way of life, there will be no turning back. When you're truly content with who you are, the world is yours. Every bit of it. When you are in alignment with your true power (your spiritual power that is), then you have access to all the good you desire on every level.


FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT

I already know more than enough about the dance of darkness, and I appreciate all it has taught me over the years. I am especially grateful for all the hearts I was able to touch through my openness about the things I struggled with in life. It made the pain worth it, as does the joy I feel now.

It feels amazing to be this happy and I have no desire to return to weekends of crying over someone, or moments of hating on myself, or fighting with the kid over stupid shit. I love the 'new' me and this 'new' life so much that I will do what I must in order to have it remain a lifestyle instead of just a fleeting experience.

What's great is that I don't feel like need to try to be happy. My only job is to appreciate and love myself exactly as I am, as often as I can, and the rest just takes care of itself:) Same goes for you.

Rock on.

With love,

Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

Living In Lala Land

I live in a dream world that my daughter thinks is absurd. She says I'm out of touch with reality and I thank goddess that I am. If it wasn't for my mystical nature I would have given up on life long ago, and I imagine I am not the only artist who feels this way. In an effort to cope with the world, we create and enter other realms that serve as our true home. Without our arbitrary north star, we can remain shattered and lost forever.

The world needs more dreamers to dream of things that never were. They are the pillars of life that give us a taste of the more that exists beyond fear and convention. Dreamers have a way of bringing out the mystical in everyone; inspiring deeper thoughts, reflective conversations and opportunities to step out of the mundane. They show you what it means to live on the other side of fear, where all the magic lies, by riding the razor's edge and taking the jump before thought kicks in.

To others we may look strange but they are captivated nonetheless. There is something quite delicious about a person who is turned on and tuned into life. It's a rare art that most people have yet to master.

My efforts may come to naught, but I'd rather see and experience life as I want it to be than to live the limited reality that others are so accustomed to. Where every day basically mirrors the one before, and any hope for a brighter tomorrow lies in the dream of winning the lottery. No thanks. I'll pass.

Let me be fully immersed in the moments while steadily moving towards my goals (lofty as they are), and should none of them come to fruition, well at least I was courageous enough to try. If this is the only day and only moment I've got, I can die knowing that I dared to dream.

Sometimes I end up in wonderful places, sometimes I crash and burn, but the day I stop following my impulses is the day I end up like them. I can't even think of a worse fate.

I may look like a fool to those without big enough balls to follow their heart's desire, but I wouldn't trade my inner and creative freedom for their illusion of external security on this day or any day.

They are caged while I am free. And I'm the foolish one?

With love,

Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

Tough Love Thursday: Live Your Life Now

Today I'm feeling quite inspired with lots to say and the result was a pretty long status update on Facebook that I would like to elaborate on without mincing words. Here's what I wrote this morning (I will split it into paragraphs for an easier read) followed by some other goodies:

******

"So excited about my life, my dreams and all the possibilities. I feel unlimited and inspired and ready to take on the world!:) Every hour feels like a day and every day feels like a lifetime to me so I don't waste any of those precious moments on shit that won't inevitably take me where I want to go.

My biggest dream is coming to fruition now because I finally stopped feeling undeserving of it, and I look forward to standing in the midst of it and be able to say, 'This is what I have wanted and been moving towards all my life'. It's never too late. We are always right on time.

We are all given the same 24hrs each day to work with so how are you using yours? Every hour and day not spent on creating the life of your dreams is an hour and day you will never get back so deal with the shit that's holding you back and move on to the life you want and deserve. Dream as big as you can and devote your life to making it a reality.

You owe it to the world to be happy and fulfilled on every level. You can change it all right now no matter what has happened before. You might be like, 'But...but..but..'. Well I don't want to hear it. News Flash: we all have shit to deal with and 99% of us have shitty pasts. None of us feel good enough. Most of us hate ourselves. So what. That's everyone's story. Welcome to life. Now recreate it.

Do what you need to do to claim what's yours. True success is born of the hell we have endured and overcome so man up, do your inner work and go after the things you want even though it's terrifying, even though you don't feel worthy yet, even though you believe you're too this and too that. It's all bullshit anyways because you're good enough as you are right now and you are meant to have the dreams you desire.

You and your distorted beliefs are the only thing holding you back from what you want. You can't blame circumstances are other people for the way your life sucks because you are 100% responsible for every bit of your experience and the world is filled with people who have been through just as much, if not more than you, and they have found a way to rise above it. You can too.

Don't be like the masses who are content with mediocrity, misery and poverty consciousness. Wake up because this is YOUR life and every hour matters more than you think. The moments just keep collecting until we're gone so use them wisely while you've got them, folks. Quit believing you have all the time in the world. You don't. You only have this moment and you're never guaranteed the next. LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW."

******

Phew! I had fully intended to write an update but it turned into a mini novel;) It all felt quite urgent to express and afterwards my bestie and I had a fabulous and lengthy chat about it (as well as a number of other things that I think are quite relevant to those on the sacred path), so I would like to share some additional thoughts regarding the process of transforming yourself and your life. Here we go, hotties!


1. The world is fucked, as are most of the people in it.

Put in a less harsh and more spiritually centered way, most of us are completely out of alignment with who we really are and the result is pain, suffering, violence, addictions and other forms of destruction. We are bred into insanity and then spend our lives feeling like we're going crazy because it IS insane and crazy out there (and consequently in here) and very few of us have healthy role models to follow; least of all society and the warped messages it sends.

So if you feel like you might be nuts, I'd like to reassure you that you are responding quite appropriately to the fuckery that surrounds you on a daily basis. Stop blaming yourself for all the symptoms of your misalignment (depression, addiction, anxiety, weight issues etc) and know that you are not to blame for the ways you need to cope with what you've been raised into. It's not your fault. It's how you're trying to survive until you find a better way and that's ok. Easy does it, hot stuff. Being sane and balanced in a world gone mad is one of the most difficult tasks for any of us. So if you need support to get through each day, get it. That might mean counselling, supportive friendships, classes, medication, art therapy, exercise, adequate sleep or the million other things that can help you along your path.


2. It's easier to play a victim than it is to take responsibility for ourselves and our life.

So when I say don't blame yourself, it's not the go ahead to start blaming everyone else for all the ways you're suffering. That's not healthy either. Too many of us blame society, our families, our exes, our past, big corporations and/or the government for our plight in life but that's just a cop out and solves nothing. They aren't the ones thinking your thoughts or preventing you from succeeding in life. You are. You are not powerless at all and they these people or systems have no power over what goes on inside you. Many people have risen to greatness despite and because of all the negativity and repression that surrounded them. Be one of them.


3. Most people don't want to see you happy. Be happy anyways.

This makes sense when you think about all the people who hate their life, their job, their relationship or you. Your happiness would make any miserable person hate you even more. It's not personal; it's only natural. When I was depressed I thought every happy person was faking it and those stupid happy people drove me fucking nuts. I wanted to smack that stupid fake smile of their stupid happy face because I could not even imagine how anyone in the world could be that happy. I couldn't relate at all because I loathed myself every minute of the day. Joy was foreign to me, and definitely to my family, and I could not see beyond my own limited experience of life. I was only familiar with the dark side. My pain ran too deep to see much light.

I eventually got there (here...to the other side of pain) but it has been quite the journey to get here. Growing up, happiness was not tolerated for long because broken people can't stand when you're happier then they are. It makes them uncomfortable. In my family, my mom made sure I never stayed happy for long by criticizing me until I came down from the high of feeling good about any aspect of myself. I learned that lesson young and spent the rest of my life being just as critical to myself which made it really hard to appreciate my accomplishments and my being for years to come.

Depression, however, was always received well by my mom because she could relate to that 100%. She was always most loving to me when I was in emotional pain, but intolerant of any anger I displayed, and overly critical if I felt the least bit good.

I am not criticizing my mom for this because she did they best she could with what she was given, as did her mother and her mother's mother. I am sharing this to demonstrate what underlies the issue of others seeking to bring you down. It is never about you. It's about their own pain that they have yet to heal. It hurts them to see you happy because they have yet to find that happiness within. Your higher frequency really shakes them up but that is no reason to meet them at their level. You deserve to feel good no matter what and only you can make that happen. Be an example. They need it. We all do.


4. Martyrdom is so not hot.

I may ruffle a few feathers with this one but it needs to be said; especially to women. Martyrdom is so not hot. Serving others while neglecting yourself is not admirable at all. You belong right up there with everyone else, pretty lady. Pinky swear. Why have you deemed someone else more important than you? Why are you going broke for them to thrive? Why are you meeting their needs but ignoring your own? Why do they get to drain you and keep you up at night so that they can sleep soundly? That's just not right. Or healthy. You deserve better.

You deserve the kind of treatment you bestow upon others and if you're hoping and waiting for the day when someone will give it to you, you'll probably be waiting a really long time. Most martyrs are instinctively drawn to people who take advantage of them so you can't expect those same people to be there in the same way for you as you are for them. Most often they won`t be there when you need them. Sad, but true.

If you want to change that dynamic, you have to change yourself by setting new boundaries, putting yourself and your well-being at the top of your list, saying no, and deciding to hang out with people who actually care about your needs as much as their own. Easier said than done, I know, but people will only treat you the way you treat yourself.

No need to blame these parasites for all of their taking though because you taught them it was ok. Your over-giving and self-scrificing nature invited them in and perfectly demonstrated what you believe to be true: everyone else's needs are more important than yours.

The people around you cannot be faulted for acting in accordance with your beliefs, so if you're sick of feeling burnt out, resentful, used, undervalued, and taken for granted, you need an inner shift. You need to look within and ask yourself why you need to feel needed, why you feel the need to fix others, why you do not feel worthy of your own love, and why you can't say no to them and yes to yourself.


5. No one but you (and me) will give you permission to change something. Don`t let that stop you.

More often than not, the people around us are invested in us staying exactly where we are. Therefore, it`s up to you to make the decision to change even if others might throw a hissy fit because of it. Unless you have a really super and supportive partner, mother, father etc already, you will rarely hear someone you love say 'Sure, go change in a BIG way and I'll deal with it no problem!'. Change is uncomfortable for everyone and when you change it forces everyone around you to change as well to match the new you. Some people can do that without much fuss but some can`t handle it and that`s when there`s a split.

If you start feeling better about yourself than those around you are used to, it might make them feel insecure, threatened or scared. That`s natural because they have no idea what these new changes will mean for them and your relationship. It`s human nature to hang on to the way things were, even if there`s something better on the horizon, because we are all most comfortable with what`s familiar.

So let`s say you have been married for years and you have been overweight most of your life. Then one year you lose all the weight and feel way more energized, confident and happy. Maybe even happier then you`ve ever been because you get to wear all these new clothes in these new sizes and you feel like a different person or maybe you just feel like the person you were always meant to be.

You`d think your hubby would be totally happy for you and hot for this new version of the woman he adores, but sometimes that isn`t what happens. He might feel quite resistant to the new you because maybe he was struggling with weight too and feels shitty that now he is on his own. Or maybe he fears your increased confidence will attract more men and that maybe you`ll be tempted to leave him; something he might not have worried about in the past if you felt badly about yourself. So you may start to receive guilt trips, snide remarks or other things that might make you question if you did something wrong or that maybe you`re the one responsible for his feelings. You`re not. His issue, not yours.

If you`re a hottie who wants to be empowered, you are going to have to accept that many of the choices you make to better your life may not necessarily be supported by those around you unless they share the same goals. That is not a reason to stop growing.

Of course it doesn`t feel good when those we love don`t approve of something we do, but it feels even worse to live a life based on the desires and opinions of others. That is no life at all.

You`re here for you and to share your awesomeness with everyone else. You get to decide what you want and go after it. You don`t need their permission and you certainly don`t need mine. You just need a reason to want more for yourself, because once you do, you`ll get it.

With love,

Mandy xo


www.mandylandrocks.com